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Life is really starting to piss me off. You know. Really. So instead of dwelling on exactly how I feel right now, which would involve a whole lot of swearing and all that, let's just do a list of my life in the past few weeks.

"Hey pretty, don't you want to take a ride through my world?" - Poe

Work.

My day job is kicking my butt. I've never had to do tech support for such crazy and messed up things like people sending ads in stupid formats like Publisher. Or .art files. WTF-uh??? Just stupid stuff. People should have to take tests before being allowed to have computers and being in charge of important stuff like sending ads or email. I mean, how hard is it to get through your head that we are MACINTOSH BASED. We can accept ONLY .pdf's or .eps files with .jpegs in a pinch? HOW HARD?

Apparently most of our clients don't understand English.

"Well, I think I hate you. ...I'm never talking to you again...... I'll go join the Marines. And then I will peacefully sail away..Stop singing that song, I'll stand hard like a tree. Yeah you make me sick......" -Shivaree

I've also had personal sales goals I had to meet along with my "imposed" goals. And I've don't it but it sure doesn't leave me very social like afterwards.

I'm also under a lot of pressure because the entire newspaper site as well as a bunch of big time advertiser site's are going to be moving to new hosts and software this month and the launch date is March 4th. Which means I had to come up with two new designs as well as trying to keep all the technical elements rolling plus being the ONLY one that knows about this stuff.

Not to mention that I have to design all the ads I sell after I sell them for my goal. Which means, the more I sell, the more work I make for myself. Thanks self.

Not to mention the ongoing daily updates of the actual news and various tech support stuff that keeps coming up at work. Back up tapes and people that lose their recycle bin icon and everything else. Which, I must stress, I DO NOT mind that stuff. Most of it I can fix but damn. I'm tired and running in 20 different directions.

Not to mention that I'm not allowed overtime so must do all that plus various other "little" stuff in 40 hours or less a week.

So just from work, at actual WORK go figure, is frazzling me and keeping me in mental and physical knots.

I don't even want to talk about it anymore. It's stressing me.

"Everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake. And everybody's empty and everything is so messed up. " - Puddle of Mudd

Trying to get my pictures from my trip fixed and editoral-y commented on. Slow going. I keep reliving it all in my head and getting side tracked. I'm sure people are tired of hearing "Amanda and Jeff...", "When I was in New York...", "When I was in Philadelphia...."

sigh. It seems a million lives away now.

God I am so tired.

Okay, now let's tackle the STUPID medical crap.

Pinched nerve in my left shoulder blade. Or under it actually. But it's been almost a week and it hurts so bad I could cry. My doctor's office hasn't returned the two calls I've place since Friday. I guess a firm, "I pay a whole lot of money for this service you provide" call is in order. Unless they don't want my business but please let me know so I can find a doctor who does. Thank you.

My mouth, the insides keep going numb. Why? Who knows. I can't get my doctor to return my phone calls.

My ear, nose and throat doctor's office? Let's see, the migraines are back almost every. single. day.

I schedule to go in and start the allergy immunology therapy shots or whatever they are and the Allergy nurse has to check my charts to tell me what office I need to go to (they have three locations with one central office in Cary) and she tells me Erwin is fine and then calls me back after she "checks my charts" (aren't you supposed to do that first?) and tells me that I'm NOT ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING.

I am of course stunned and do the whole, SAY WHAT? So you're telling me that for a year and over 4 different medications that don't work, LATER, I'm NOT allergic to anything???? What the hell?

Do you know what this nurse tells me?

"I'm sorry. I read your lab results wrong. I'm really sorry. I guess I'm just getting old. I AM 66 you know."

I shit you not. She said that to me.

I'm so flabbergasted and blown away that I can only hang up and stare at the wall until someone walks by and asks why I'm still at work so late.

So I keep the appointment and go talk to the doctor because whether I'm allergic or NOT, they tell me that the blood test can give false negative's and that a skin test is in order now to really rule out allergies, I'm still having sinus problems and pain and MIGRAINES.

Do you know what he tells me?

"They placed someone else's results in your file. But a Rast test isn't 100% and rather only a guide and we need to schedule a CT scan of your sinuses and a skin test AND you may need surgery for your sinuses."

My God. They won't even help me. Won't even admit a mistake was made and what if I'd had a bad reaction to one of those allergy medications?????????

I'm just so messed up in my head over this still that I don't have much good to say about any medical professional in my life right now.

Not to mention!!!! that I specifically requested my CT scan to be done at one hospital, took time off work to go and they had SCHEDULED ME AT A DIFFERENT HOSPITAL.

They are not batting a 1000 with my stuff at all. I don't get it.

So I've got to find a new ENT. Great. Right after my appointment with a Rheumatologist in April.

*sigh*

I'm so tired. Just tired. I get so angry for a few minutes and then I get so tired and just so apathetic a few moments after that. I'm so depressed and angry and sad that I can't get any answers or help. I'm trying so hard dammit. I really, really am.

I'm watching so carefully what I eat and exercising and trying to maintain a positive attitude and shit just keeps getting shoveled down my throat.

NOT TO MENTION. That Mikey got hurt and had to go get his foot XRayed and he turned out with a bad sprain but was able to go skiing after a miraculous recovery a week later. (snort)

AND that he got in trouble at school ONCE AGAIN and had In School Suspension for three days. I don't even want to talk to him. I'm so pissed off.

Plus, toting 5 dogs to the vet for shots and various treatments. $130 later.....

Plus the Olympics are going on and I'm not going to miss certain parts of that.

Plus, the ONLY really good thing: I got a piano for free. Just go move it and it was mine.

Plus, I went to Raleigh with Dorothy.

Plus, Alix visited twice since coming back from my trip.

Plus, caring for three puppies, two dogs, Erica, ignoring Mikey, arguing with Stuart and then getting along with him, being upset with my Mom, being mad at Jeremy, going to a Mary Kay party for my sister Jennifer, missing Amanda....

I'm just tired and spending a lot of time on the couch. And not on the computer.

..........

Sorry if you've come here for the Diarist award things. I appreciate that someone keeps nominating me but really, I'm the Susan Lucci of the Diarist Award Legacy thing.

I've only kept an online journal for almost 5 years (5 years on February 17th for God's sake) and now have the energy to do little else but just keep my own nose above water for now. So, I'm sorry. That's all I've got but I appreciate the people who have read me for years and keep cheering me on. If anyone deserves an award, it's those readers who have stuck with me through thick and thin, in sickness and health but mostly just sickness now.

I'm not sounding very happy or perky or uplifiting to myself at this point, so I guess I'll just bow out for now.

Ugh. I'm going to bed. I have no energy left at this point and I said I didn't want to dwell on how i feel right now. It's ugly y'all.