Mikey,

I am so proud of you. And I love you so very much. I do.

I know I don't show it very well or often enough and for that, I apologize. It is hard for me to show my feelings sometimes because of sadness or fear. Instead of crying or being sad all the time in front of other people, I get mad and angry and I yell. And I always say things that I hate myself for as soon as they come out of my mouth. And for that I apologize. The only thing I can do is keep trying and keep trying and to try in all the other ways I can to show you how much I love you.

Because I do love you so very much.

Words can't even come close to describing how much I do. Sitting here trying to put it into words makes my heart swell until it hurts and it brings tears to my eyes. This, well, this is the kind of stuff that I have a hard time showing. So I'm showing you the only way I DO know how and that is to put it into words.

I know how difficult it's been this past year. It always seems like SOMEthing is going wrong and just being your age is difficult enough as it is without always having a Mom who doesn't feel good and a Dad who is always worried about the Mom not feeling well.

I know that you sometimes feel like we can never understand and never could even try to understand how you feel. But I do. I remember being a teenager. I remember my 7th grade and 8th grade and it's one of the reasons I DO get so angry and scared. It was hard. It was so very, very difficult just being me.

The drugs, the drinking and smoking and the whole sex thing: all the things that terrify a parent. The peer pressure. The pressure to to well and excel in sports and you worry that you're too short and you worry about where you come from and I know it's something you think about all the time. The whole biological father issue. I know you do because I did the same thing and went through the same feelings you did.

You have so much pressure on you from everyone. You have pressure from me and Dad to maintain good grades and you have pressure from your friends to act in certain ways and to do things the way they do. I keep telling you to not follow the pack, to lead the way. But it is never, ever, ever easy to lead. People are always saying, "be different! Stand out!" but as soon as you do try to be different people start calling you weird or crazy or whatever.

Some people hate that you make excellent grades. Some will hate you because of your looks. Some won't like you because you aren't popular enough and then there are the kids that won't like you if you are TOO popular. It's crazy. And it sucks a lot of the time because you ARE going through puberty and hormones and it is. so. difficult.

Hormones don't ever go away you know. You just learn skills to cope with them and by the time you're my age, you're usually too tired to worry about it.....

But all this just comes down to one thing, and yes, I do have a point in here somewhere, I'm getting there. ......

You are an incredible person. You are not just smart but exceptionally smart. You have great ideas and wonderful creativity. You have one of the biggest hearts and I know that when you love someone, you love them deeply and have loyalty as great as any adult. You are wise beyond your years in some ways and yet you are still so young in others.

I know, I know. I tell you I wonder how you manage to get dressed by yourself yet I sit here and write about how smart I think you are. You just need to learn common sense and that comes with time. You'll get there even if I have to drag you to it kicking and screaming....but I digress. (One good thing about this whole writing it down is that I don't have to watch you roll your eyes and say "yeah, yeah Mom. Hurry up and what's the point")

There's just so much I need to say to you and to let you know that I know how you feel, I'm sorry for the hurt feelings I've caused you in the past, I believe in you and Love you.

Being a parent is not easy. I don't have all the answers and a lot of the time I'm probably wrong. Sometimes I let my crankiness and dissatisfaction with life intrude on my time here at home and for that, I'm sorry.

Watching you have to deal with life and the hurts that it brings, breaks my heart and makes me sad. (Which makes me seem like I don't care when I tell you to deal with it but I do care and I care too much and it hurts me when you're hurting and I can't fix it.) I wish I could protect you like we all protect Erica right now. It's easy being 3.

It's not so easy being 13. Or 33.

I can't kiss everything and make it better and I get so frustrated because I can't. I wish I could. I would give everything I have to keep you from experiencing any more hurt or pain or sadness again in this life. If I could protect you and shelter you, like you were still 3, I would. The only thing I can try to do is to tell you. And hope that in your heart you will pull out the courage that you will need to keep on going forward and continue to grow in wisdom and expand your mind and keep aiming for the highest goal you can dream of. I admire you for that. I think that if anyone can achieve what they dream of, it will be you. Not just because you're smart but because you believe in you and you have hope and faith. Most of all, because you have faith.

Just remember, I always love you. You will always be my first child. My oldest child and no matter the circumstances on how you got here, you got here, you were given to me, not once but TWICE and my life would be so empty without you. I am a better person because you keep on setting examples on how to love someone and it's because of you that I keep trying to be a better parent because YOU are such a good son.

Congratulations on all your achievements. YOU did it all by yourself and that is something that you will always have no matter what happens in the future. You have every right to be proud of yourself and what you have accomplished thus far in your life.