| August 2a, 2007 I've spent the past few months beating the hell out of myself for being so stupid and blind. And I haven't really written it out to GET IT OUT. I spent a lot of time, money, love and energy on a person that didn't warrant a fraction of it. I ended up looking (or at least feeling) like a complete blind fool because apparently there was a little someone extra in the works for at least a few months. and I think it burns me a bit because I've always been so damn judgmental, not out loud, but in my own head, about "those stupid women" that stay in relationships that are OBVIOUSLY fucked up and are they fucking stupid or WHAT??? Yeah. Those that have lived in glass houses don't throw stones anymore. And now I know how they got there. You don't go to sleep one night and wake up in the morning faced with this huge FUCKED up relationship that is very obviously fucked up. Every time I think I'm smart or better than someone else, that little karmic boomerang comes spinning right back at my ass and takes me down a few pegs. So. What did happen? It happens a little bit at a time. A sideways comment that has just a little sting to it. A disapproving frown. A temper tantrum. The bargaining. The manipulations that are both subtle and about as subtle as a hammer blow. Give a little, take back a lot. A little bit at a time. Just one day after the next. And you WANT to believe in this person you've given your heart and trust to. Nobody wants to give up on a relationship that you think can be fixed. And when you have two people saying "yes, let's fix this." but only one person that REALLY MEANS IT..... Well. That's that. When you are in the middle of the hurricane, the eye is very calm and the destruction outside is not apparent until after the hurricane is gone. And then you're standing there with a piece of straw sticking out of your forehead and the family cow in the tree, going WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED????? So yeah. I made the stupid mistake of trusting someone. But Not really. It's NOT MY FAULT. I did not lie and deceive and manipulate and use. And I refuse to beat myself up over it for one damn second longer. The only mistake I made is trusting the wrong person. I made the mistake in not listening to the family and friends who were trying to point out the very obvious shit storm going on but being as hardheaded as I am, must learn things the hard way. And it hurt and it hurts because nobody likes to be played the fool. It does hurt because you trusted someone and believed in that someone and then it's like it was nothing. Even when you don't want it to, it still hurts. But it's the way it was meant to be and that's how it played out. And now, it is in the past and that's where it will live. I'm done with all of it. The bitterness. The hurt. The everything. And it's taken me a few months to process all the stuff that went on. But I learned a lot from it. (aren't i just a made for tv special) I know what I will and won't accept and I how I, as a person, deserve to be treated and how my CHILDREN deserve to be treated by the people I allow in my life. And I will never, ever make the mistake of being around people who treat an animal better than an 8 year old little girl. I think that's what burns my ass up the worst. The hurt on E rica's face when she tried to engage him in conversation or give a hug and the rejection she received. Never. Again. will I expose her to someone like that. I had a friend give me a magnet that states: Always make new mistakes. You let the old mistakes go, and you take yourself back and put your house back in order and you can bet that I will be a better person and a stronger person when it's all said and done and I can live with that. And that is the close of that chapter of my life. It is my time to move on to what I have been given and blessed with right now and I don't want any toxicity from the past to be in my present and my future. What I have right now is far too important to me.
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