| July 20, 2007 From the vaults: September 24, 2004: I'm glad I don't have to go to counseling today. Maybe my mood won't be in the toilet for most of the weekend because of it. It'd be nice for once. I guess that's how you know that it's working, right? Confront all those crappy memories, review your pathetic life, come to conclusions. It's very frustrating to me. What's it matter though because I know I have to do it regardless. .... My evening last night was capped off by a conversation with a drunk ass N@than, probably one of the few times I have EVER had to deal with that, and talking to @lix and crying again. I can't get through a conversation with her on the phone without either crying during the phone call (silently of course, I don't do it to hurt her) and then crying AFTER the phone call. Usually, I hide it well enough from Stuart and Mikey and Erica but I didn't do such a good job of that last night. Mikey tried to comfort me though. That was a first. Just hugged me, patted me on the back and kissed me on the cheek. He's smart enough to not even say anything. Most grown men don't even know how to do that. We don't usually do that, comfort each other, we both grieve the same way: with anger. We get angry and push everyone as far away as we can. I can count on one hand the number of times that he has seen me cry. There aren't enough hands in this building to count the number of times he's seen me get angry. That's not good either way. ... Took Mikey to the bone doctor yesterday and he received the OK to play. Thank GOD. I don't think I'd have had the energy to resist the endless pleas that would have ensued to play injured. ....... Dear Dad, I love you and have so much respect for what you've had to deal with and all that was thrown on you when you were so young but you did some really fucked up things and those things had such an impact on me that I can still cringe today when I recall some of them. I always knew that I didn't want to grow up and parent like you did in certain ways. Is that the good part of having free will? You get to grow up and try to filter out the bad crap from the good crap and hopefully when you lose your temper (like I do), the terrible, bad things don't come crawling up out of that emotional basement. Because of what you did, I can say that I never have and never will do the following to my own children. I wouldn't do these things to someone I hated let alone the people I'm supposed to be guiding and training and loving. Little people with hearts and brains and dignity. I will never and have never made my child pull their pants down, underwear as well, to receive a spanking with the belt. I think you are seriously fucked up for even thinking that THAT is an appropriate punishment. Degradation all mixed up with pain and humiliation. That's a great feeling to generate in a child of 9 years of age. I still remember crying and asking, and begging, "please not the underwear too" but it didn't matter to you. I remember feeling so weak and helpless and angry when you did the same thing to Jeremy and I could only stand by and watch. I hate you for doing that. I may forgive you but I will always hate you for that. Maybe that means I don't really forgive you. Mom was never around when this stuff happened. I mean, she may have been in the house but she was never a witness that I can remember to this particular punishment. I hate that I had to stand by and watch you hit Jeremy and I couldn't do anything to save him. And that's what a child usually wants to do, to save their little brothers or sisters. Jeremy wasn't like me, he was quieter, more mellow. Not some big hulking boy. I tried to be the boy that you so desperately wanted. The only thing I lived for was your approval and attention. I wasn't the right gender and Jeremy just wasn't tough enough. I would have turned out so much differently, my LIFE would have been different if you could have just been a normal Dad. A normal Dad that encouraged their kids to aspire to something besides being able to stack a cord of wood the proper way. A Dad that showed something besides indifference and anger. Just a GLIMMER of love somewhere. Children don't know that adults equate sharing their knowledge with loving someone. It's got to be more obvious. A hug, a smile, a pat on the head. A "good job!". It's not even you that I am ultimately angry with. Because it's just life and that's just the hand I was dealt. Life laying down the rules bright and early for me: LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Someone has to get the shitty parents.
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