| July 5, 2007 Well. I think George Straight pretty much covered how I felt for most of the afternoon and evening: "What a rotten day this turned out to be." Started out with great potential but things changed and well. It hurt a lot more than I had thought it would. I had gone up to the quarry for a gathering of some fellow divers (great group!) for cookout and diving and all that. That part was fun. I didn't dive because I wasn't in a good mood after a phone call and just didn't have the heart to do it. So, I hung out with various members of the group between their dives and chit chatted and killed time. It's funny. That group is like a collective brain trust of diving. They all have so many different levels of experience and some are more interested in the technical cave diving than diving in the ocean so that creates plenty of differing opinions on gear and all that goes along with that and diving techniques. I learned a few things: why the shop's steel tanks are heavier than another shop's steel tanks, learned I had not cleaned my mask well enough and that's why it keeps fogging up on me, started learning about the rigging and stuff for cave diving and just a bunch of things from talking to them. Then it was time for the remaining members to do their night dive and they went in and I went over and sat on a ledge overlooking the quarry. I watched their bubbles for a bit and the sun finally went down and it was almost completely dark. Someone started popping off some pretty large fireworks over on the north end of the quarry and about 10 minutes later, someone started setting them off on the southeastern side of the quarry. I laid down on the rock, watching the sky and the fireworks and all the feelings that I'd been blocking all day came back to the surface. I was so lonely. I lay there and watched the damn fireworks by myself, and couldn't stop the stupid tears from coming back up. Stupid emotions. Sometimes.....wish I could not feel ANYthing. I wouldn't let myself dwell on it for long but in that 10 seconds of allowing myself to feel exactly how hurt I was, it was not good. Longing for someone that I could not have and knowing that the choice had to be made and had to be let go, sad and in pain at what WAS and should have been and how that turned out just.....sucked. Big time. But. That is the reality of what it is. Neither really by my choice but you can't change other people and that's just that. And now, I'm off to the rec center to work out.
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