| December 3, 2008 I think I have stage fright. I have so much to say but am so aware that people are reading and I am just weird about that now. I've spent a lot of time putting up what I consider "fluff" and basic crap on the myspace page that it's hard to let go and just write like I used to. Things are difficult in my head right now and I'm growing and morphing and changing, lots of changes. That makes me feel a little off kilter. I don't have my old voice and am not sure of the new one. I don't know. That's sort of damn stupid too. I guess, whatever happens, happens. Yesterday was really not a good day for me, mentally. I had the paranoid feelings that accompany being bipolar and it's just not a pleasant feeling. It's also tiring. I KNOW the thoughts are irrational, yet I KEEP TRYING to tell myself that what I'm feeling is just for right now, no, my friends DO care about me, yes everything WILL be okay let's just get over it. *sigh* It's tiring. Second, I've been battling my insurance company, the company that handles the pharmaceutical requests, (MEDCO SUCKS ASS) and Cobra. The combination of BCBSofNC and Medco is why there must be patient advocates in this world. I'm not in wonderful health and a lot of what I feel really sucks but it could be a LOT worse. And I have no idea how people, or if I, felt even a little bit worse and trying to handle the stupidity of large companies. Insert long scream. Yeah. So. I'm pretty pissed and disappointed and feeling like crap. What is good? Well. Kevin is good. Food is always good. Erica is pretty good, most of the time. I am not dying and none of my family is, that I know of. Pretty grim. And I didn't want to write like this but it's just been bottled up for so long that I'm about to just WEEP with putting it to words. Ugh. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
Tomorrow WILL BE BETTER. Damn it.
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