December 28, 2008
Sunday
Dear Alix,
Happy sweet 16 Alix Jade Elizabeth. I wish with all my heart that I could be there to celebrate this huge milestone in your life but I'm not.
I know that you get frustrated and upset and think I don't care or don't think about you but I do. I try NOT to think about it too much because it breaks my heart that you're so far away.
I never should have trusted Nathan, but I never believed he would take you so far away from me. I would never do that to him and I would never do that to Stuart. As always though, Nathan is very selfish and that's where you ended up.
I didn't have the money to go to court and fight him to keep you in NC which has always been such a crappy reason but when you have to decide to keep food on the plates for the kids and family you live with, unfortunately, it comes down to just surviving.
Many times in the past few years, after you would come visit, you would always tell me that you wanted to move back in with me. And I always thought you really would. But every time, Nathan said or did something after you got back and changed your mind. I can't tell you how much this broke my heart each and every time. Mikey may have been born first, but you were my first baby.
I raised you and protected you and spent time with you and coached your cheerleading team and took you to soccer and cheered you on. It was wonderful having all three of my kids in one place.
And then you left.
Now, you have Hondo up there and I know that you will never come back to NC to be here and live with me and Erica and Kevin.
I miss you so much and I've missed out on so much and it's very hard not to resent Nathan and Vicky for making this so difficult. It's hard not to resent the decision you made to stay with Nathan.
I still love you and I still wish you could spend the last few years of high school with me. But if you're happy where you're at, then that's what I have to be happy with.
But don't ever think I don't love you as much as I love Mikey and Erica and don't think that your presence in my daily life and your absence has left a giant hole in my heart. You're becoming a smart and beautiful young lady and I am heartbroken that I haven't been there to be a part of that.
I wish you the happiest birthday of all birthdays because I know this one is a big deal.
I love you, happy birthday.
Love,
Mom
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