December 31, 2008 Another year is gone. This is the year that has been very difficult many times, I just wanted to give up. And when I say give up, I really mean just stop living. I know how my brain got to that point but at this time last year, I didn't know how to make it stop. Kevin is great in so many ways but he really didn't "get" me for a long, long time. It's been rough going. We were talking the other night about something and he was like, "that was about 3 years ago, that can't be right." And I told him, no, it was only a YEAR ago. Our relationship underwent the crash course of learning each other through very difficult times. Lack of work for him, lack of money, difficult job for me and then me quitting, finally getting to work back for the Daily Wrecker but from home two days a week. And it was so hard for me to go back to where I left, I had a lot of reasons why I had wanted to leave in the first place and most of those things hadn't changed. I believed that if I worked from home two days a week, I'd be able to hang on. Erica has changed so much in just a year. It's better but it's also starting to creep into the preteen years and those of you who have them or remember that stage, Dear Lord. I am going to need all the help I can get. And that's where Kevin comes in for that part. He's not just a "figurehead" parent. He backs me up and I back him up: presenting a united front. Kids are selfish and self-centered at that age still and she still tries to play one against the other to see which is going to net her the best result. Mikey did the same thing to me and Stuart but instead of sticking by my side and presenting that united front on what was and what was NOT acceptable, he let Mikey do a lot of things that I didn't believe he should be doing; like smoking. Stuart let him smoke when he was with him but he kept that a secret from me. Stuart was more of Mikey's buddy than his parent. This led to a severe undermining of my authority as his Mom and he didn't give a crap and did what he wanted. Sure, when Mikey knew he pissed me off he would do things like extra chores to make me not so pissed but it wasn't the right way. And Mikey is still trying to figure out how to operate in the real world within the real parameters of society. Not Mikey's world. My defense mechanism has always been to leave. To say, fuck it, I'm better off alone than with this other person and when things have been rough between me and Kevin, at the beginning, instead of trying to figure out what was going on, I'd start distancing myself and think the same thing. And then my rational mind would prevail. I love Kevin. I like him. He's a good, honest, caring, loving and honorable guy. But we were both hurt so badly in the past and our stubbornness and pride kept getting in the way of making progress. That changed sometime late this summer. We both decided that in order to get through the rough spots that were bound to come up, we would both need to let go of the pride and the stubbornness in order to keep what we really wanted: each other and a good, solid relationship in that we grow TOGETHER. It hasn't been easy. I made the decision to finally seek help and go to a psychologist. I find the whole process difficult...I vacillate between WANTING to get better not only for myself but for Erica AND Kevin. I WANT to be a better parent. I made a lot of my own mistakes with Mikey. I come from a family that is DYSFUNCTIONAL and that's putting it lightly. I never had any role models that weren't crazy in some form or fashion, to look up to. They didn't raise me, I just survived. I learned a lot from them, but some of it was bad. Like arguing. I used to be the meanest person to argue with especially if I knew you and knew your weakness. I would exploit that in the middle of an argument because I knew I could do it and win the argument. I love my Gram and I love my Mom and Dad but never once did I learn how to normally relate to other humans. I spent time distancing myself from everyone except for my Gram. When Warren, the man I consider my Dad, adopted me, I started to change. I learned all this by finally opening the doors to my past, something I really didn't TRY to figure out, I was just bitter and hurt by it. I wanted my Dad to love me and accept me so I turned myself into a female version of him. Basically: I modeled my behavior beginning at the age of 6 after a man who suffered from severe post traumatic stress syndrome. .... in a family full of people that tended to drink too much. I have learned to give grace to people when before I would have ranted and raved or slammed the phone down in their ear. I've become a much better communicator. Which is strange, I can sit here and communicate all day long in myjournal but to TALK out loud to someone about what triggers a bipolar episode or feeling to someone who comes from a loving, stable, secure and strong household, it has been difficult. We think the same things and believe in many of the same things but how we both get to that point, is vastly different and has caused many tense conversations. My thinking pattern is like one of those giant balls of rubberbands. You can pick one strand of thought but boy, you are going down a twisty, stubborn, and uncertain path to get to the answer. His thinking is much more linear and always has been even before the military. So, while we may be talking about the same thing, it never SOUNDS like it. Kevin has taught me a lot about love and acceptance and how to relate on a human level. But I have also taught him many things. Even though my family is crazy and full of the DRAMA, I love them. Sometimes my friends have drama but I love them too. It's just what love is. My Mom can say something to piss me off but I'm STILL going to show up for Thanksgiving and Christmas and there will be no arguing. Our family tends to let time work things out. Then we MIGHT discuss what went wrong but mostly not. This drives Kevin crazy. He doesn't get it. He sort of does NOW but man. This has been a tough one. He is a solitary guy. He hasn't seen his mom and dad in probably 7 or so years and as far as I know, he doesn't plan on seeing them anytime soon. Which is VERY strange to me. I can't imagine not seeing my kid for over 7 years. The telephone and email just isn't that GOOD. Kevin is adjusting to my family and is starting to feel more at ease with them. They, of course, accepted him the day I introduced him to them. That's how we are. Renee loves Kevin? All right! Welcome to the family! I find it funny that I have changed enough in the past year that my sister thought I was taking medication for the bipolar or whatever it is that I've got. When I told her that I was taking no meds, she was really surprised. THAT'S how much I've changed. I have tried to make amends with people I've hurt in the past, I've put my neck out there and faced rejection of my apologies. And I'm all right with that. I'm getting better all the time. I don't expect perfection but I do have to remind myself that all the pride and stubbornness in the world can never replace someone that loves you deeply and cares about you. Letting go of all that baggage is so fucking hard but it's also very, very worth it.
|
Recent Play List
|
|
|
copyright : photos by renee. content by same. don't steal. |
||