| February 25, 2008 Can’t Imagine It My thinking: Long term = 3-6 months Kevin's thinking: Long term = 10 years. My life over the past 4 years has shifted in such dramatic, problematic, exciting, chaotic, and heart wrenching ways that I stopped trying to look into, or trying to picture, a FUTURE. I took a big risk (although I didn't know it at the time) in getting involved with someone that was not what they claimed to be or what they promoted to everyone to be. I should have let go long before I did and I blamed my own pain and screwed up iife on myself for a long time after the beginning of the end in the fall in 2006. I'm smart. I can read people. I SHOULD have known that there was something much bigger, a much bigger lie, going on, but I had committed myself and I am not a quitter. I had changed my entire life for this person, had uprooted and taken away all the stability for my kids that I had worked and wanted for them. I hadn't known that the highway to hell would start in Dunn at the Rec Center. Never would have believed what a chance meeting would turn into. I disregarded the advice I was given by everyone from my family to my friends. I overlooked and tried to live with so many lies and deceptions that my head still freaking rings when I look back on that time. I was so furious at the end of it when I called (what Kevin says) "NO JOY". I had sacrificed EVERYTHING and he had sacrificed nothing. I supported both of us with just my job. I supported both of us emotionally. And I never received anything back except disdain, 17,000 stupid rules, lies, drama, more lies, and just everything bad. Just everything. It all sucked. And it didn't suck for just me. It affected Erica deeply. She was treated well at first but it soon degenerated into "don't touch me, no hugs, ewwww, you're contagious, don't come near me." She was 7 and 8 years old. This person, who started out being very loving and giving, turned his back on her after she thought he was one of the coolest people in the world. What kind of person does that to a kid? Red flags all around me and still I struggled forward. It's just sad. I can laugh about some of the things now, (I'll randomly open Kevin's glove box and he's like, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? and he'll laugh and I'll tell him that I'm spying on him and looking for EVIDENCE or something stupid while I'm busy fishing out a kleenex or napkin.) I don't have to walk on eggshells around Kevin. There is no reason because he has nothing to hide. There are no head games, no manic depressive mood swings, NO LIES. But still it has been hard to bring myself to fully trust a man again. Sometimes, if we have a disagreement, and we do disagree and we think very differently..... I'll feel myself go into the "flight" mode. As in: screw it, not going to work, I've been down this road before, WHY waste any more of my precious time. It was my last defense mechanism. I have a plan. I know where I'll go. Since Erica is stable and thriving with Stuart and Stephanie, the only person I have to worry about is me. I've always been able to take care of ME. Screw this, I'm out of here. But it's a mechanism that needs to be disabled and I am working on that. In the midst of my disbelief when he states what he believes and its like NOTHING I've ever encountered, he laughs and extends his hand to shake mine and says, "Hello. I'm Kevin. I'm not like anyone you've ever met." And he isn't and sometimes, I don't even know how to .... take it. I've become such a cynical person. Every nuance is cataloged and I go through what I've known in my mind, and it's funny because while I'm doing that, Kevin will be watching my face and he laughs and asks straight out what I'm thinking to myself: "What's your angle boy?" Like, how is what you're saying going to benefit YOU the most and how is it going to impact ME and how painful is it going to be? And the thing is, he doesn't have an "angle". He is not trying to keep secrets. He is not withholding information to make himself look better. He is not deceiving me or cheating on me or lying to me. It used to bother him, I think, when I'd automatically start doing that in response to something that was said. Nobody likes their morals or character to be questioned but he knows it's not because of him or things that he has done that raises that question in my head. It's not easy. Both of us are "new" as he puts it. We just met last summer (Thank God for that chance dive.....I was attracted to him immediately but put it out of my head as I was "with" someone else.) We moved in together in August. It's been a very intense 6 months. Two times, one or the other had decided it wasn't going to work. One of us was going to call NO JOY. But every time, I would picture this FUTURE without him by my side. And I knew that I had to figure out a way past both of our past hurts, our stubborn sides, our prides, and get to the real problem. And we did it together because it's what we both want. He doesn't just talk the talk, he DOES it. He IS it. And I've never met a man like him before. So, I can finally picture a future that isn't short term only. We have plans to do things that are a year or years away at this point. He constantly amazes me. He is an amazing man with a past that includes things that I can only shake my head about in disbelief (really. just. damn. really, take my word.) He is a full ON Scorpio Man. There is no damn doubt about that. He is 8 years older than I am but he is in reality, a 21 year old in there and it's all I can do to keep up with him but it's a challenge I love. He is my best friend and my mate. He is my dive buddy and my medic. He is both the anchor AND the adventure. He is protective of me but there is no jealousy attached to it, which in and of itself, is a HUGE freaking revelation. I could not have asked for someone who is more perfect for me. He doesn't create problems, he digs them out, talks about them and then comes up with a plan to solve them. And it's the little things too. Little things add up into the big picture. We were leaving to go pick up a key for a job that he's doing and his checklist on the way out the door was, "keys, check. wallet, check. beautiful woman, check." He loves that I turn him onto new music. One of our favorite things to do is just hang out and listen to music and talk about it and the memories and just everything. He is like Crazy Chef in the kitchen. He'll make some of the best food ever and even if he's not eating (he likes to eat later than I do), he'll still make sure dinner is cooked for me. Breakfast too, on the weekends. I'm clean up duty which I think is a Very Fair trade off. We talk about everything and anything. He likes to hear the stories of my past and sometimes, after I tell him something that was a particularly key piece of my history, he'll shake his head and say, "And now the world is round again." I love that. He's got this positivity about him and he believes in it fully. He goes out of his way to help people (well, except those that are driving with their heads up their rear and then watch out because that scorpio temper comes out and also he has no patience for liars, cheats, and people who can't be bothered to be on time) and is respectful and calm. He doesn't take any crap though. But he is showing me that it's "safe" to be positive. That I don't always have to wait for the other shoe to drop, the bad news to come in, to be on watch at all times. He is a great teacher and example in that respect. I've changed a lot just in the past 6 months and I know that it's only going to get better. Whatever the future holds, I can't imagine not having him by my side the whole way. -originally written on my myspace blog.
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