| January 27, 2008 It's me. I have a lot of stuff that's happened in the past two years. A lot of it of my own doing and sort of my fault. A lot of stuff with the kids. A lot of stuff with family. A lot of stuff with my personal life. Right now....I feel a little invisible online and forgotten. Everyone who reads, all the support I used to get from the group of people on certain message boards, it's sort of gone. (Except John, Amanda and Becky! I can always count on you guys. You have no idea how much it means to me. Really.) But I think I did that myself. In the midst of leaving Stuart, meeting Michael, all the stuff with Mikey, my family, my nerves...it was all too much to contemplate looking at in black and white and I just stopped communicating (except for stupid myspace stuff) and isolated myself from everyone both online and in my life for the most part. I almost committed suicide twice in the past two years. The first dry run through was in September of 2006. The second time was in March of 2007. I know what the onset of having a complete nervous breakdown feels like. The only way I was functional was to live in a haze induced by Xanax. I'm better now. A lot better, I rarely ever have the anxiety and the panic attacks now but there is a lot of new pain. New fears. Little quirks and bugs that I've never had before. In a lot of ways I'm much better than I have ever been before but I still feel a lot broken. I still feel like I have a lot of things to fix in my head and heart. But I'm working on that. My personal life is profoundly part of why I can start healing now. Kevin and me. I wasn't sure if this was going to be another bad relationship....we started out great but had a very rocky, very, very bad month or two where both of us were trying to figure out if it was worth working out or just saying fuck it. Something happened though. He went away for a weekend. I spent the entire weekend alone and crying my eyes out but something clicked in me and he came back and we talked and we tentatively set back out on our journey together. And then I broke my wrist. And with that, I learned I had to completely depend on someone for the very simplest of things. And I've never been that dependent before. I've never allowed myself to believe or depend on anyone. Not ever. And Kevin learned how to sacrifice and take care of someone other than himself. Graciously, lovingly and patiently. And in that time, we both found the REAL Renee and the REAL Kevin and the feelings we have for each other were completely cemented. Nuts and bolts of it: We both finally decided to COMMIT completely, to be at the mercy of someone else, to let down our guards and truly TRUST someone again. I fight with it more than he does though. My natural distrust (I am the glass half empty girl, he is the glass half full guy), makes me a bit weird sometimes but he takes my face between his hands and he looks me full in the eyes and tells me, "I will never fuck you over." and then he cradles my head on his shoulder and holds me. I have never felt more loved and cherished and protected in my life. We talk a lot. Not just talk though, we communicate. We talk through issues and have resolutions and figure out how to fix what any problem is. We've learned to compromise. I'm learning to be less harsh, less of a bitch really, when talking to him. He deserves my respect and I deserve his. It's been a level playing field and 99% of the time, life is wonderful. The world outside might be falling down around my ears but OUR world, is wonderful. He asked me to marry him on New Year's and I said yes. Something I never thought I'd EVER contemplate again. We're thinking September-ish. It's beautiful in North Carolina in September.
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