| Posted December 1, 2008 Here we go round the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush... Well. Lots of things have happened and changed and gotten better since my last entry here in February. Things have been great between me and Kevin and they have been very, very bad. At times, it seems as if one of us, at any time, was ready to pack it in and just get the hell out. Sometimes, I still feel that way. I was diagnosed, professionally, not just by my own guesses, as having bipolar II disorder. She also suspects that I may have borderline personality disorder. So, yeah. I'm just as freakin' crazy as I've always thought. Now, I just have a professional's opinion to back that up. I have been to see her three times and it's not getting easier. The news is not getting better. I am still as unstable as I have ever been...more so because I'm trying to fix what the problem is which means digging around in my stupid brain and working on finding out what my "triggers" are and all that crap. But this really righteously sucks. Kevin acts like he can handle this and we'll all come through this in the end and be okay but it's not easy to live with me. At all. And I think underneath all his talking, and consoling, and kind words, and support, that he will leave. Eventually. Everyone always does. It sucks. I suck. I am not a positive person. I try but mostly, I remember all the past crappy experiences I've had and I fail to believe that it's going to get better. Yes. I think of killing myself often. Not every day. But often enough that I have everything planned out about how I would go about doing it. I rationalize that as unstable as I am, my kids will be devastated but how much damage am I doing by just being here? Being a parent and being "possibly, most likely" bipolar, having a borderline personality disorder is just asking for a kid to end up just as screwed up as I am. Alix is gone, gone, gone. Nathan has created something there that I have no idea what to do with. I have no contact with her and I haven't spoken to her since July when she wrote an incredibly ugly myspace entry about what a "disappointment as a parent" I have been. And a bunch of other hateful crap. All because I didn't have the money to fly her down this summer. I really, truly didn't have the damn money. And the fact that she can be so freaking selfish makes me just want to slap her. SHE is a disappointment as a daughter. She is definitely Nathan's child at this point in her life. And honestly, I don't have time or the energy for her histrionics at this point in time. Grow the hell up. Nathan buys her this and buys her that and she is still not happy with what she has. Whatever. Mikey, at least as I write this, is doing okay. He was at a pretty low point back at the end of April and was going to kill HIMSELF and Kevin and I made the decision to bring him up to Raleigh and help him get his feet back under himself. He was a mess when he got here and it was a hellish 4 months but we finally got through to him and he got a job and a car and he got off the drugs and started working out and that's what his career is now: he is the Asst. Manager for a private lesson physical fitness company. He was in an accident the other night, his car is totaled but he is okay. I don't know. He's okay and shows so much maturity and tenacity but then he turns around and crap like that happens. He says someone cut him off the road when he was trying to merge but we all believe that he was just speeding and lost control of the car. It's his mess and he's figuring his way out of it without using drugs and without getting into trouble with the police. He moved out about 2 weeks ago into his own place. It was the right time for him, I think. Not the right time for me but that's not important. He has a core group of friends and coworkers and seems to be doing okay. Crossing my fingers that this time, it's the real thing. I still worry about him. It's a mom thing, I think. Erica? Poor girl. She's been through the ringer in the past two months as well. She had a bad report card, Stuart and I talked and a few days later, much to our complete surprise, Kevin and I were enrolling her BACK in the school here. A different one than when we first moved to Raleigh and a much, much nicer one. But. The bad part was that she was just so far behind in Math (they gave her an assessment test at my request and she tested as being in the range of a middle year Second grader. .....Yes. Trying to figure out 4th grade math. Her reading comprehension was only mid third grade so she was struggling with that as well. We made an incredibly difficult decision and put her back into third grade.
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