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Monday, August 13, 2001

I still miss my Gram. I sound like a broken record. I'm so tired of hearing myself say it. I wonder that if my Mom dies or someone else who is equally important, ... no I kNOW that when that happens, because I still mourn the loss of my Gram, that the pain will be doubled on my heart. Such wonderful things to look forward to. I'm trying here but I just ... I don't know.

Tuesday, February 06, 2001

I'm tired of backwards, archaic thinking in this town. I adore the south but the expectations of women the men have, it's driving me crazy. I hate Bush. I can't stand what he is doing and trying to do that will affect millions of women's lives. It isn't fair. I've never been a raging feminist but I'm getting damn close to it. I wonder if somone will try to assasinate him. If so, the person won't be from this stupid republican stronghold.

sic parvis magnus "from little comes much"

Saturday, November 25, 2000

Why am I having such a HARD time this year with missing my Gram? Is it because of all the death that seems to have surrounded us this year? Is it because I've started sinking back into depression?
I put up the tree today. And took out all the ornaments and knick knacks that I've had for years. Things that Gram had for years and passed onto me.
All of this angst isn't made any lighter by the fact that I am still in limbo about the waitressing job and I'm reading a book that is pushing my emotional panic buttons for some reason: Message In A Bottle by Nicholas Sparks. I've never seen the movie.
I'm so tired of missing her. So tired of hurting inside. Maybe that is what let's us know we are alive. Pain.

Friday, November 24, 2000

As we celebrate each holiday season we enjoy the season and the family. But it isn't the same. The day doesn't feel quite complete and I feel as though we grasp desperately onto traditions that mean nothing without the matriarch of our family here.
We celebrated this Thanksgiving without Stuart's Gram and My Gram and it is so telling. The only time anything was said about either missing woman was when Uncle said the blessing and thanked the Lord for someone like Stuart's Gramma.

I thought of my Gram many times that day and the other Saturday because of something my Mother mentioned. That we celebrate the holidays with food that my Gram came up with or decided to coed. It feels hollow. This desperate holding on of old traditions that were made by a person long gone. I say this every single year but Thanksgiving just isn't the same, Christmas just isn't the same without my Gram. I miss you so much Gram. I get so mad that you had to leave so soon. You would have loved Erica and you would have loved Stuart. I miss you every damn day. I surround myself with memories of you. But all those memories are like dust to be blown away because they aren't what I want.
So here I go celebrating a season with my family that for me, will never ever be the same because you aren't here with me. I can't even stand trying to think how it will be when my Mom is gone and all the grandchildren that will be with me. If there are grandchildren. But those maybe grandchildren won't know how horrible the season truly is until they too lose a loved one that is a central figure. So life just continues on its circle.