Untitled Document

May 15, 2007 - Tuesday

iTunes Playlist

Dancing In The Streets - Mick Jagger and David Bowie
Coming Out - Diana Ross (shut. up. i like the song)
Walk of Life - Dire Straits
Tonight The Heartache's On Me - Dixie Chicks
Walkaway - Kelly Clarkson
Twisted Transistor - Korn
Steal My Sunshine - Len
Are You Gonna Go My Way - Cover by Lenny Kravitz
Numb - JayZ w/Linkin Park
H to the Izzo - JayZ
Boom Boom Boom - John Lee Hooker
Know It All - Jordis Unga (remember the first RockStar: INXS?)
You Had Me - Joss Stone
Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake

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Tonight

In a good mood this morning! For once!

Slept great. Have a picnic and volleyball game to attend after work and I LOVE volleyball.

Hopefully, today will continue to be a good day.

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May 14, 2007 - Monday

also

I read what I wrote earlier this morning and I hate it. I hate that I've become so damn cynical.

I NEVER USED TO BE THAT WAY.

I used to believe in family and marriage and love and all that other stupid hokey crap.

I've walked around the previous few years with the belief of "expect nothing so if you actually do get something, it's all good." And then, something happened. I met someone and I let myself believe in someone. In what we had. I believed that I could have a future with someone that I absolutely adored and loved and trusted and considered my friend.

And every. single. time. I let myself BELIEVE in something.....it's all bullshit and not true and why do I even TRY?????? Why?

I can see why people in so much emotional pain turn to drugs or alcohol or whatever.

Sometimes....too much of the time (only when I breathe) the only thing you want is to feel NOTHING because everything else hurts so much.

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Mother's Day

I hope all the Mom's out there had a good day.

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I went to a church dedication of my nephew yesterday and while I don't normally like going to church, since it was Mother's Day and the fact that I may have been completely excommunicated by my family if I didn't attend, I went.

The preacher was doing all this talking about the raising and the dedication of children and how we as parents set this environment and that if we do all the right things and take the kids to church and look after them, that it will be okay and we're doing what we're supposed to be doing.

Which is the biggest load of BS.

That may be true of younger children but when they get older, it doesn't matter what you've done or what you've sacrificed or what you wanted for them. They do what they choose to do.

I quit smoking 8 years ago because I didn't want to be the hypocritical parent that mine were, standing there smoking and telling ME not to.

What did my oldest do? Started smoking anyway.

I went to church for over two years, setting an example. My oldest and my ex couldn't be bothered after a certain point.

I went to every game, supported him in every activity and in the end, he still made choices that were not the right ones. And it devastated me.

Parents always want better for their kids than what they had (well, most of them do) and we invest so much of our hearts and souls into them that when they make choices (example: stay in high school vs. quitting) that don't go with what you, the parent, envisioned, it takes a huge mental shift to get out of what you always dreamed of your child accomplishing. And it hurts. More than I can put into words.

I got married to someone who I thought was going to be the last guy I was ever going to be with. That changed too over the course of 10 years. I had my middle daughter decide to move to Montana with my first ex a few years ago. I now see her once a year. I had another child. I work at a job I don't really like and I don't make a lot of money.

So yeah. I've changed. I've CHANGED A LOT. Life has a habit of doing that to people.

And yes. I am more liberal and more complicated than I used to be. It's called growing up. It's just life.

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May 9, 2007 - Wednesday

That was weird....

I just got a strange phone call from my Mother asking me if I was okay.

I was like, "uh, yeah. I'm fine. Why??"

She was pretty shook up and told me that someone had called my son on his cell phone and said that their name was Mike and that he knew me from (the paper I work at) and that he was a friend of the family's and did he know that I had died in a car accident this morning.

Wow. My boy was FREAKING THE HELL OUT. So I got off the phone with my mother and called him. He didn't even recognize my voice at first....asked who it was. I told him, "It's your Mama, boy. What are you doing?" And he just broke down. Said that someone had called him about 25 minutes ago, the number came up restricted and he thought it was me. Then this guy told him that. He tried to call me at work but I was apparently on the line with a customer or away from my desk and then he tried to call my Mom and couldn't get ahold of her and then he tried my stepdad and stepdad went and got my Mom.

I don't know who it was that pulled a sick prank like that but they better hope I never find out who exactly it was.

Children: BE CAREFUL who you give out your cell phone numbers to. PLEASE.

Whoever did it knows where I live (duh, it's in my profile, guess that needs to change or I need to move) and where I work AND had Mikey's cell #. They tried to get the restricted number from US Cellular but of course you can't get that info without a subpeona. So. I called the police department and there is a detective being assigned the case.

I hate it for whoever did this.

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May 8, 2007 - Tuesday

Arguing

Everyone has good habits and bad habits. Sometimes we're very aware of, exactly, what they are but sometimes people are mostly blind to their own faults.

And then they (I) wonder why we have certain problems that continue on throughout our lives in patterns.

One thing that causes a lot of problems is miscommunications or complete lack of communication. Yeah, it's a cheesy phrase that you've heard about a bazillion times but that's only because IT IS SO TRUE.

I took this little test:

Take short test

Funny. I thought I argued reasonably well. But At least, I know exactly where *I* fall short.

My results:

About Arguing

We might wish for an ideal relationship. One in which our partner anticipates all our desires, keeps the passion burning indefinitely, fulfills all our needs before we even realize we have them, showers us with attention and unconditional love, is always there for us, gives us just enough space, genuinely agrees with our opinions, shares the same values, has the same approach to parenting, knows exactly what to say to make us feel good, and says it at the right time, is great with our kids, families, and friends, is good-looking, charming, considerate, and appreciative. We might wish for it, but it would be unreasonable to expect that such a person exists. Besides, after a while, being with such a great-all-over person would get pretty darn annoying, making our little flaws seem huge in comparison, helping us to build up resentment, intensified by the recognition that there is really nothing to resent, except for our partner's perfection.

Once they leave the initial stage of the relationship (a period that is as close to the ideal as it gets), real couples have to face quite a different scenario. We realize that if we are to be together, there are many things to be negotiated. Many of these can be solved by peaceful discussions, but many conflicts provoke hurt, anger, defensiveness, aggressive feelings, bitterness and other strong emotions.

In a long-term relationship, it is nearly impossible to avoid negative feelings, misunderstanding and conflict. Some people solve it by eluding all relationships beyond the limit of the initial infatuation and their evasive maneuvers result in a perpetual chain of short-term courtships, where passion is imperative but real intimacy and commitment are missing. Others give it a sincere try but eventually give up because the same conflicts go unresolved for years and the couple move in circles, slipping into an old inefficient pattern every time they start arguing about an important issue. Yet others learn how to communicate and solve conflicts efficiently.

Conflicts might be inevitable in a long-term relationship. However, destructive fights, that lead nowhere except to hurt, defensiveness, disappointment and resentment, can certainly be avoided.

Negative, even aggressive feelings can be vented and resolved in a constructive argument before they are bottled up and start spoiling the positive aspects of the relationship.

A healthy relationship has room for open confrontation and constructive criticism. If the couple fights constructively, the arguing becomes less frequent, and communication becomes more effective. The relationship becomes a ground for personal growth. The partners get past their defensiveness and start to work out their inner conflicts, to heal old wounds, get over their insecurities; simply put, they evolve as individuals and as a couple.

Your score = 50 (on a scale of 0 =destructive and 100=constructive)

The results of the test you just took indicate that you are not a bad fighter, but you still have a lot to learn when it comes to your fighting style.

You might have very good reasons for using inefficient fighting tactics. Maybe you didn't have such a good example in your original family. Maybe you have been hurt in the past. Or maybe your present partner fights inadequately.

Insight into the origins of your fighting style might help, but by itself will not solve the problem. You need to make an effort - a lot of thinking, reading, some more introspection, and finally, learning how to incorporate the newly acquired knowledge into your everyday behavior.

Obviously, it would be great if your partner joined you in this quest for a better relationship, but if s/he resists, you can start by yourself. If you start arguing differently (with clear ideas about what you want, a solid stance and fair tactics), your partner will have no choice but to adjust, because the vicious circle will have already been broken by you.

It sounds so easy to do but it's not. The good thing is that if I had taken that test a few years ago, ten years ago, 15 years ago, I would have been all up to a score of ZERO being a very bad arguer. It's taken me years to change the way I argue and I still have a bit of a way to go. My family has never fought fair. We all love each other but we also know each other's weaknesses and man, did we zero in on that target when things pissed us off.

I know the questions that caused me to get that score and it's those portions I need to work on. I'm going to answer the why's of what I THINK I got wrong and then I'm going to take the test with different answers to see if I am right about what needs to be changed. Navel-gazing at it's finest!!!!!

#1: Once I start to argue with someone, I prefer to tackle all the touchy issues I need to discuss with my partner (rather than solving them one at a time).

( I answered True. I'll beat a horse until it's not just dead but revived, dead again and revived and on and on. Until I get an answer that's satisfactory to ME.)

#5: When arguing, I ask my partner for her/his side of the story.

I answered false. I do TRY to understand but I don't always wait for their side. In fact. If it's a touchy subject, even the hint of it coming up can raise my hackles and cause the other person to feel defensive before they even get a word out. This is going to be the hardest habit to break as I am a very emotional person and it's incredibly hard to keep my emotions in check and off my face.

#6: We end up fighting over something completely different from what we started with.

I answered True. It's not all the way true but more true than false.

#7: I get so furious during arguments that it is difficult to think straight.

I answered true. I get angry very quickly but I don't hold a GRUDGE and I don't keep a list of past sins that I drag up every time.

#10: When the argument gets heated, I suggest a temporary cease-fire, a break to calm down.

False false false. If I'm upset enough to argue then I want resolution RIGHT THIS INSTANT. That's not necessarily a logical expectation.

Okay. Let's do the test again.

Geez...... At least nobody can say that I'm lying to myself. Perfect score of 100 after reversing what I thought I needed to change.

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May 3, 2007 - Thursday

Learning To Fly

Learning To Fly - Pink Floyd

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction holding me fast, how
Can I escape this irresistible grasp?

Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, i

Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything
No navigator to guide my way home
Unladened, empty and turned to stone

A soul in tension thats learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, i

Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air,
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night

Theres no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, a state of bliss
Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, i

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May 2, 2007 - Wednesday

of course mama's gonna help build a wall...

I'm listening to a lot of Pink Floyd.

For those that know me, that says it all.

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April 17, 2007 - Tuesday

cryptic

I can't stand it. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. I'm going to need freakin' prozac or something before it's all said and done.

Also: both of my kids are grounded from the myspace. BAAAAAAADDDD teens. Hah!

Also: Regrets: a few: quitting HS (got a GED worth it's weight in Gold), starting smoking again after being quit for 7 years. S-t-o-o-p-i-d. Believing. Hoping. I always lived by the creed of "expect nothing from people. then you can be happy when they actually do something good." Hope will kill you sometimes. Period.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe was not batting .300 or whatever when he said: Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.
If only it were that easy.

Also: stupid weather. I was going to take off of work one afternoon this week but the weather is not even worth the trip to dive. Blah! I have stuff I want to work on in the water. MUST get back in the water soon.

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April 16, 2007 - Monday

Just. Tired.

I am absolutely tired.

Tired of worrying. Tired of trying NOT to worry. Tired of stressing. Tired of trying NOT to stress (it doesn't work.)

Tired of being tired. Tired of misconceptions. Tired of feeling. Tired of being adult. Tired of being jerked around. Tired of not knowing if I'm coming or going. Tired of the nightmares (lots lately. hate them).

I think I'd like a 24-48 hour vacation in a hyperbaric chamber. Maybe without any sensory input, I can rest, get my mind put back where it used to be, and get my crap together. *picture of my little mental ducks all lined up in a row*

p.s.: Alix. Don't freak. I'm fine.

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May 22, 2007 - Tuesday

Scuba Diver Logs Online?
Category: Sports

Do you post your dive reports online in any format (journal, blogs, myspace, etc.)?

I post my dive logs on my own personal domain which can be accessed here:

dive time.

I've learned a lot from the few that I've found so far.

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I Don't Want To Be The Skeleton At The Feast

Frederick Buechner:

Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back -- in many ways it is a feast fit for a king.

The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.

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May 21, 2007 - Monday

It's Monday Again.

Moving a little slow this morning. Even after two cups of coffee.

Did the CPR/1stAid class this weekend with Michael. We already have our CPROX class and the next thing is Rescue Diver. I'm about finished with the academic portion. I'd already read the book once but now I'm re-reading the chapters, answering the questions and preparing for the written test.

Hopefully, we can get that nailed down and finished by at least mid-June. The schedules are looking not great right now because Michael has to have hand surgery this thursday, this coming weekend is memorial day weekend and I hope we are busy at the shop. Then Dave has to go out of town the first weekend in June, then Michael leaves for a week long trip and that puts us into the second week of June before we can do the water portion of the class. Hopefully his hand will be healed enough by then to accomplish that.

Then it's on to Divemaster. From what I can recall, there are 5 portions to the course. What's cool though is that if/when I pass the course, I'll be able to help Dave out with some small training stuff with students. And then I'm skipping Assistant Instructor and going to Instructor. Lots to do within the next few months.

I'd like to find a treasure chest filled with lots of money so I can quit my job and focus on what I really want to be doing. *sigh* Pipedreams. Reality is such a grim bitch.

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May 18, 2007 - Friday

Where did all the energy go?

I was going to leave work a bit early (since I got here so early) and go up to the shop for a bit but had to deal with some computer stuff and by the time I finished up it was close to 5 and now, I am just dragging.

I have a bunch of questions to answer for the Rescue Diver course and I'll probably just go lock myself in my room and flop down on the bed and try to finish it up.

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Friday Early A.M.
Current mood: groggy
Category: Life

I slept like a rock last night even after some upheaval the night before. I don't remember exactly what time I went to bed but I crashed. Didn't even bother getting up when my alarm (actually using my cell phone) went off at 5:30AM. Hit snooze on it until about 5:50 and still made it to work by 6:10AM.

And now, they have a coffeemaker upstairs and the coffee is slowly clearing the cobwebs out of my head.

Finished chapter 5 and the questions in the Rescue Diver book I'm studying. Already read the whole book and did the questions for Chapter 1 and 2 but I'm skipping around it right now. I plan on making a copy of my questions and using those as my study guide. It's not the academic portion of this dive class that freaks me out (that's coming up with the physics section in the Divemaster course) but the in water stuff is making me want to just rocket out of my skin. I have a great instructor though and the guy I am supposed to take the class is pretty comfortable in the water so it should go, if not great, at least okay. We shall see.

Can I just say: THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:33 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

quotes and miscommunicatin and wtFFFF??

People that live in glass houses shoudn't be chunking rocks.

What's it say in the bible? Interesting take by some here:

http://allphilosophy.com/topic/1596

Scary. I had to look up a bible quote on the wicked internet.

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May 17, 2007 - Thursday

co. picnic

Had a good time at the picnic and playing volleyball the other day. Put two pics up in the gallery of Erica on mine and Tracey's team. I think we had most of the young kids playing that were there and they kept switching sides throughout the game.

And it must be noted because I NEVER EVER win anything: I won a hanging basket. I'm going to take it up to the scuba shop but still, I won something. :)

4:35 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Decisions, decisions, decisions
Category: Romance and Relationships

Life is all about decisions. And you have to live with the consequences of those decisions whether they're good or bad.

The good thing about a decision though is that you know you've made the right one when when your brain and heart are at peace no matter what happens.

If they're ARE NOT, you didn't make the right decision.

And when you've made a bad decision, you, not anybody else, but YOU, have the ability to turn around, suck it up, and fix what got broken or messed up. The longer you put off the decision to right a wrong, the more tortured you will become and it gets bigger and bigger in your head.

So if it doesn't feel right, change it.

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May 16, 2007 - Wednesday

Cheesy late 70's, 80's and 90's music

I've been stuck putting together not ONE but FIVE dang CDs for a stupid sales presentation and have been suffering listening to some of the lamest stuff lately.

So, since I've been accused of being such a miserable b*tch, I'm going to share the misery here.

Or at least try to get them OUT OF MY HEAD (yo, yo, yo, yo baby pop! celebrate good times).

The best thing though? Is that I promise that I won't be asked to make any more of these suckers because I'm going to seed each disc with some REAL music.

The Real Music:

1. Must Be The Money - Nelly
2. Money, Money, Money - ABBA
3. Money - Pink Floyd
4. Money Talks - AC/DC

Songs I'd Rather Not Have To Listen To:

1. All Fired Up - Pat Benetar
2. The Gambler - Kenny Rogers
3. Celebrate Good Times - Kool and The Gang
4. Staying Alive - Bee Gees (ack!)
5. The Warrior - Scandal

Other Random Listening That May Or May Not Be LAME:

1. Push It - Salt N' Pepa
2. Move Along - All American Rejects
3. Miserable - Lit
4. Breathe - Anna Nalick
5. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
6. The Smile Has Left Your Eyes - Asia
7. You Belong To Me - Michelle Featherstone
8. Gone Away - The Offspring
9. Why Cry - Panic Channel
10. Hey Pretty - Poe

Enough. Enough music for today.

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Wednesday..

Finally made it to Wednesday. Thank God.

Tuesday ended up being a pretty trying day at work. I hate computers somedays. I really, really do. But the day finally ended, went by quite fast even with all the irritations and problems and we had a great cookout and game of volleyball.

Some not good news from my son though. Not sure what's going to happen there...can only hope and pray that it shakes itself out.

Fell asleep pretty early and so the day ended.

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June 3, 2007 - Sunday

Sunday
Current mood: frustrated

Not much to say today. I'm at the shop. Dave doesn't feel good and I'm feeling a little blue.

10:01 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

June 2, 2007 - Saturday

Dive Shop Day

Looks to be another busy day since a vital component of the operation isn't going to be here or will be in late and Dave has THREE students.

*trying not to freak!*

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June 1, 2007 - Friday

Busy and Things I don't get
Current mood: contemplative

This whole week has been insanely busy. It's already almost 4PM and I'm getting the heck out of dodge ASAP.

The moon as it was rising last night was absolutely gorgeous. I'd like to get a camera one day that I can take pictures of things like that and not have it look like just a white dot in the sky.

Things I don't get:

- people who WALK through a drivethrough window line. What is up with that?

- physics. Can we just say PHYSICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a lot of problems with math and it takes me forever and more studying than I'd care to admit to when it comes to that stuff. I'm freaking out over here because in the near future I'll be taking the Divemaster course for Scuba and it involves an entire CHAPTER dealing with physics. Pray for me people, send good vibes, do a dance sing a song and wish me luck.

- Why must I HAVE to work for a living? I just wanna play all day and divedivedive. Or hit the interstate and see the country. (damn bills)

- Why can't I stay mad and KEEP IT THERE? (i'm a fool that's why. or a sucker I guess.)

- I'm doing everything I always tell other people NOT TO DO. Why do I not follow my own advice? Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go. Maybe a tattoo will help remind me.

- Why I ever started smoking again. I could kick my own self in the butt for that.

- people who are spiteful and vindictive. What's the point? I've done something out of spite once and the only thing I felt was worse afterwards. Do they feel better? Am I missing like a strand of DNA or something?

- why the people who are your family or love you treat you worse than your enemies.

Life is way too short for hatred and anger that never goes away. I've already gone 34 years....who knows how many I have left.

Let it go. Forgive, learn from your past, keep on trucking. Otherwise, you might get run the hell over.

Mikey and Alix - give your mama a call. Love to you both.
Amanda - I'll get up with you this weekend or maybe tonight.

As Mikey used to say:

Peace. Out.

12:38 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Glorious Lovely Wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Current mood: bouncy

It's FINALLY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHOOOO!

More later. Must catch up on work.

4:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

May 31, 2007 - Thursday

Observations

-Love sucks. Really. Especially when it's not returned.

-I'm ready to run away. The only thing holding me back is that, unfortunately, I am an adult with adult responsibilities that I can't turn around and walk away from. Yet.

-Some people wouldn't know a good thing if it jumped up and sat in their lap.

-People can change. If they WANT to. Goes back to the old saying, lead a horse to water.

- Put the damn past behind you, where it belongs. You can't change what's been done. You can only change how you handle the NOW.

- Never give up.

- When VIP'ing tanks (inspecting scuba tanks and making sure they're up to DOT standards, be very careful when using the tools, especially the dental pick otherwise, you end up with a very painful puncture wound on your primary typing finger. O to the OUCH people. I feel like a pincushion.

- Never say never.

- Forgive, forget, move forward.

- If someone gives you a priceless gift, for God's sake, don't screw it up or reject it because you're afraid.

- Trust No One is a big crock of s-h-i-*. Being suspicious of everything and everyone's intentions is no way to waste your life. Unless of course you believe you have more than one life to live then hey, have at it.

- Math sucks.

- Scuba diving rocks.

- I'm READY to get BACK in the water. But my preferred dive buddy is out of commission.

7:24 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

VIPs

Lit out of work at about 4:15 trying to beat the ugly traffic up to Wake Forest.

I did my first SUCCESSFUL VIP by myself. Well. With a few bits of help from Dave. But watching Michael doing VIP's helped a lot. I learned more from watching him than by the book.

It only took me 3 hours and 20 minutes though. (rolls eyes). Hopefully I can become a bit faster.

Got home late, that was the intention. Wandered around until abou 11:30 and finally was able to fall asleep. I'm t.i.r.e.d today though.

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May 30, 2007 - Wednesday

WED NES DAY
Current mood: crushed

Today's a sad day. Lot's of broken dreams, hopes and a heart.

I spent a few hours last night washing my car. Trying to sell it and have a few interested buyers that wanted photos.

Then this morning, I took it to the car wash and washed it again, cleaned the engine off, did the tires, spot free rinsed it and then waxed it. eh. Not perfect but it's what I can do right now because I had to send the photos off.

Plus, had to keep busy. Ate leftover indian food from the other night. didn't sit right on my stomach and just gave up and rattled around the house.

Got some flea and tick stuff for dog and cat. Did my laundry.

Tonight is Erica's night to spend with her Gramma and Poppa so I am planning on going to the dive shop to do some VIPs. I don't think I can face rattling around the house alone like a pea in a tin can right now. Trying to stay busy as I can.

9:21 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

May 29, 2007 - Tuesday

Things and Stuff From Weekend.

It was incredibly busy and exhausting weekend.

I don't know if I have much hope left with certain situations and it's bringing me down a bit. I can't see much signs of progress and yes, I admit, I'm not the most patient person in the world but still. Sad. Time is ticking by so fast and I feel like I'm losing ground.

All this may just be from the fact that I'm just so drained emotionally and mentally. But having hope sort of keeps a person going and I'm running pretty low on it right now.

My Dad came into town on Thursday. I hadn't seen him since my brother got married 2 or so years ago. So I took off Thursday to take Michael in for his surgery and then saw my Dad a bit that evening and then took of Friday to spend the day with them. Then Saturday, Sunday and Monday were spent up at the dive shop working. We were super busy on Saturday and Sunday but Monday was not as busy at all. I was mentally distracted and just wasn't able to focus on much of anything so I don't know that I accomplished much of anything.

I'm actively looking for different employment and that's worrying me a bit.

I'm trying to find a different vehicle and worrying about that and trying to figure out the what's and the how's and all that other stuff. The GOOD thing about that is I was approved, finally, for a loan and I don't need a co-signer. I'm very proud of myself for that. My credit was really super bad because of some mistakes I made early in life and I'm slowly, slowly starting to get that stuff straight and that makes me feel good.

I learned the hardest way that you MUST live within your means. And that means: NO CREDIT CARDS. It means you controlling your finances, it means paying bills FIRST and on time and if that leaves you $20 bucks to make it til the next payday, then that's just what you do.

-----------

On a competely different note. I watched a new show last night on television that I thought was going to be pretty stupid because of the premise and the people but I was seriously impressed.

It's called the X Wive's Club with Marla Maples, Angie Everheart, and Shar Jackson as the hostesses.

They focused on two individuals who were in very bad relationships and who were devastated by what they'd gone through. One man, one woman. And the stuff they (the show) had them do, first and foremost was to let go of as much of the anger they felt over what had happened to them. To force them to confront what had hurt them the most about the relationship and then gave them ways to get rid of all the baggage. And everything they did and showed them how to do, is exactly the way it's supposed to be done.

Yeah, I cried. The good thing about it is at least I KNEW that what I know for a fact and have talked to people about is right.

Unfortunately, people have to WANT to change and get better. It's so easy to hold on to old habits of anger and hate and living in the past. It's hard and painful, at first, to learn how to let go. But when you, as they said on the Lion King, put your past behind you for real?

It's the most freeing and liberating thing you will ever do and your life does change for the better.

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May 28, 2007 - Monday

Remember The Meaning of This Day

I will be busy working at the dive shop but I will be thinking and thanking with all my heart, the reason I'm still here. The men and women who sacrificed so much for this country.

I love you Dad and I love you Granpop H.

Thank a veteran today or send up a thought or prayer for those that didn't come home and those that did who still struggle with the past and what happened.

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May 23, 2007 - Wednesday

bad night followed by not great day

I don't mind getting blasted if I screw up. I'm a big girl, I can take it. But it hurts a lot when it happens for no apparent reason.

Today was the kind of day where I walked around with my shirt on inside OUT and it wasn't on purpose. *sigh*. I have a headache and heartache and job burnout.

My default picture says a lot right now. Short walk off long pier....end of the line. Nothing there.

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June 8, 2007 - Friday

A different place on myspace for just me

Since this little slice of myspace is used to keep in touch with my kids and friends. I feel a need for a bit of ....anonymity. So if you want the new site, send me a message.

Perverts need not ask. Thanks.

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June 7, 2007 - Thursday

Camping Friday Night....sorta. heh.

I'll be sort of camping tomorrow night. I'll be safe but it's going to be so weird. At least it's a familiar place. :)

AND has internet access. Hmmm. Maybe that doesn't really make it camping?????

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A Tombstone Night
Current mood: calm

It's going to be a get ready for an insanely busy weekend, eat some Tombstone (with jalapenos and extra cheese), watch some DVD's, surf the internet kind of night.

It's Thursday already?

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Last Day

EDIT:

TOMORROW is the last day. Sheesh.

Today is finally the last day of school for Erica.

I attended the end of the last 9 weeks award ceremony on Tuesday. This is a big deal because Erica has had a tough year at school academically and this 9 weeks is the first time she made Academic All Stars and the A-B Honor Roll.

Check the pics for that.

Alix has been out of school for a week now (as I can tell from the BAZILLION bulletins she keeps posting on her little myspace page (good God girl, read a book or something). And Mikey started at the Community College to get the last class finished in order to get his high school diploma.

It's been a really tough year for all of us. At least for the kids, it's over.

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June 6, 2007 - Wednesday

Thank you

Tracey. Kate. Amanda. Shawn.

I don't know what I'd do without y'all. Thank you for loving me and giving me a kick in the pants and making me laugh and reminding me of what's most important.

It's a blessing to have people like all of you in my life that I can call true, real, and steady friends.

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The dog and the cat and Erica.

Zooey keeps trying to get in my vehicle thinking we're going to visit Michael. Erica asked the other night if we could go stop by and say hello and Diablo will NOT SHUT UP THE HOWLING.

They are not helping matters.

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And still, the day gets even BETTER!!!!!!!!!

Not only does my boyfriend dump me through a private message telling me he's planning on seeing someone else...but a great job opportunity that I had been trying work out in Wilmington has fallen through.

So. I guess I'll be right where I'm at for awhile.

Life is great.

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Being A Good Person Apparently Is a Bad Thing

Where is the gene to be vindictive and a bitch because you've been hurt and lied to and walked all over?

I'm a "good person".

Nice ringing endorsement.

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You Suck

I was informed by private message, not even the decency for a phone call that Michael told me to "go on with my life" because he is seeing someone else.

Gee. Wonder why I didn't trust and my gut instinct was telling me all along that something was up.

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June 4, 2007 - Monday

no goodbye
Current mood: distressed

he didn't even let me say goodbye before he left for his trip.

i am beyond fucking devastated.

There are supposed to be 5 stages of grief and grieving.

I've been through the denial and anger and bargaining back and forth now for months. I think I've set into the depression hard now. The crying and crap.

I hope it doesn't last long. But people go back and forth between all the stages. I've been going through most of all of them except the acceptance part.

DENIAL

ANGER

BARGAINING

DEPRESSION

ACCEPTANCE

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June 15, 2007 - Friday

Finally Friday
Current mood: awake

Wow.

This week is finally almost over. Thank GOD.

Headed up to the dive shop first thing after work. Who knows what's going to go on at this point. I know I'll be there all weekend. Michael went up the other day to fill the banks and nitrox stuff but he's got to work somewhere else one of the weekend days and I don't know which and not sure when I'm going to have his help there. I do have another person who used to help Dave out coming in but he can only be there on Saturday from 8AM to 10AM and then if Michael isn't in after that, I'm on my own. Oh boy.

The other dude will be there Sunday from 8 to 1PM so that's good. Dave will be there at some point but unable to do much and I don't think he needs to push his recovery. I need him to GET BETTER!!!!! So, we'll work it out.

Worried about two very important young men in my life. If you pray, send the vibes and good stuff to that thought. They're both going through some major stuff and I love them and hate to see them in pain.

Song of the day:

Jimmy Eat World - The Middle

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
Or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything will be just fine (over, and over) Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright)

Hey, you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own (on your own)
So don't buy in.
Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
For someone else

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everthing, everything it'll be just fine (over, and over) Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright)
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be just fine (over, and over) Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright)

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
Or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts, are gonna say

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be just fine (over, and over) Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over)
Everything, everything It'll be just fine (over, and over)
Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright)

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June 14, 2007 - Thursday

Out of WHACK
Current mood: weird
Category: Life

The last few days have had this odd off-cosmic-balance thing going on.

No. I'm not some new age person that lives my life by that stuff but there is some weird stuff going on and strange things happening and things just feel OFF kilter in a lot of ways.

A lot of my normal routine (which I happen to like having a mostly normal routine) has been thrown off by a lot of stuff.

-Dave's surgery. We usually talk at least once a day about business stuff and I've gotten a few emails but he's still pretty exhausted and not up to par yet.

-I did something to hurt myself either diving on Sunday or slinging tanks all week and it hurts really bad and isn't going away. I hope it's just a pulled muscle or something but it hurts to cough or blow my nose. It doesn't hurt when I'm breathing in and out though but if I move wrong, it hurts. Weird. I'm not used to dealing with the scuba tanks much at all and when I'm working, I'm working fast and don't think about what I'm doing, I just pick them up, mostly using the right side of my upper body and move them and fill them. But it's not getting better. At all.

-Erica's been at vacation bible school each week night until after 9 and that I'm definitely not used to.

-Work's been strange lately too. Just people's moods and stuff.

I definitely won't be able to do the night dive I planned for Friday night and I'm bummed about that.

I don't know. I don't know how this weekend is going to go or who is going to be there to help me and just. Damn. Who the hell knows at this point.

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6/14/07: Thursday

My day did not begin very well.

The dog would not come back in when called, which made me late to work. Erica was being a little pill because she's tired and off her normal routine because of Vacation Bible School and to top it all off, I shut my thumb in the door of my jeep. The entire base of it is turning black and blue now. FREAKING OWW!

But. It's Thursday.

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June 13, 2007 - Wednesday

It's Wednesday.
Current mood: tired

I was awake at 4:37 or so AM and could not get back to sleep for anything. I am totally dragging today.

Plus we get to have a fun and highly enjoyable (not) manager's meeting at 2pm this afternoon.

There is one good possibility that may save the day but unsure at this point.

Have I mentioned I'm TI-RED!?

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June 12, 2007 - Tuesday

OMG!!!

Today is a great day to be alive. I'm blessed with my friends, family, lucky I have a job even though the pay isn't the greatest, and I'm content.

I'm not stressed. I'm not angry. I'm not hurting anymore. And that, is worth more than words can express.

Change is hard but change (in my case) is good.

*smooch* Love y'all!

Have a most excellent day.

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June 11, 2007 - Monday

And that's that.
Current mood: okay
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

One phone call. And Now. I can move forward and let go.

Thank God.

I would never do something vindictive towards a child. Not ever. I grew up getting the crap beat out of me, dealing with a lot of emotional abuse and I would never do something intentionally to hurt a child, let alone children that I care very much about.

Yet, I was accused of doing just that.

And at the end of that phone call, I threw away the one momento that had meant so much to me....that I knew in my head that I couldn't give up until I was really, truly ready to move on. And it was easy to do.

Sometimes, even though you love someone, you don't belong together because you bring out the worst in each other.

I hold no ill will, nor grudges, nor wish anything but the best for him. I wish we could have at least remained friendly or friends but I don't forsee that happening but that's not by my choice. I still care and love his children very much and I understand that they will of course, take their Father's side and that is only nature.

But you three, I love y'all. And if you should ever need anything, or your Mama needs anything, let me know. I will always be here for you, as your friend.

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Now this....
Current mood: peaceful

This is someone that I respect and highly admire for what she's overcome and what's she had been through and done.

Secrets and secret shames and fears will eventually drag you down and kill your soul and heart.

fallout

You go read that people. That's courage. That's how you get rid of the past.

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Monday afternoon

Woke up in a really good mood but it has slowly dwindled away throughout the day. Too many memories. Wish I could just shut off my brain for awhile.

Posted a new goofball photo of myself that I took this morning. It's in the my photos album if you care to see.

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June 10, 2007 - Sunday

Many miles covered

I ended up canceling my plans and dropped Mikey off at work (a double shift...I remember those miserable days) and headed back up to Wake Forest because he didn't have anybody and he's totally stressed because he has to have surgery tomorrow and there just was no way I could do anything else. So I made it back up there by 1:15. It was busy too. Besides. I am glad I was able to see him before and tell him he'd be fine and all that.

It only took me about 2 hours 15 min. Not terrible but dang. I am TIRED OF DRIVING. My butt hurts from sitting in the seat. My CD player is stuck in some kind of random shuffle mode that I can't figure out how to get it off of and even though I tried listening to one of my audio books, oh FORGET that crap. I was getting way too frustrated.

So. The end of my very exhausting weekend. :)

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June 9, 2007 - Saturday

Saturday Insanity

If Jr. hadn't stayed behind and canceled his trip plans with his Dad, I have NO idea how Dave and I would have managed up at the shop today.

Started out slow but my God, did we get slammed and it was a steady, steady, rush, steady, quiet for a few seconds, steady, rush, boom. Kind of a day.

I'm tired. But it was a great day and very satisfying. :)

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June 24, 2007 - Sunday

Books to read

Also from that same board, books I am going to check out:

Set This House In Order
Michale Perry's Truck: A Love Story
Dragonhaven by Robin McKinley
Nazareth Hill by Ramsey Campbell

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Recently...
Current mood: mellow

Sometimes things happen that still open my eyes to what I want and what I'm capable of doing, and how I really feel about certain things.

I guess you could say that some things in life are still big eye openers to me, that help me move forward and find that I'm still growing up.

And that's all they tend to be. Just things that happen, that move you forward through life.

I don't know. They are important but not quite so much as you would think.

(still not smoking! :) )

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Read It At Your Wedding

One of my boards was posting stuff they had heard read at weddings and although I, myself, do NOT want any more weddings, it was too good to let it slip by. I like lines 5 and 6 the BEST.

RESIGNATION
By Nikki Giovanni

I love you
because the earth turns round the sun
because the North wind blows north
sometimes
because the Pope is Catholic
and most Rabbis Jewish
because winters flow into springs
and the air clears after a storm
because only my love for you
despite the charms of gravity
keeps me from falling off this Earth
into another dimension
I love you
because it is the natural order of things

I love you
like the habit I picked up in college
of sleeping through lectures
or saying I'm sorry
when I get stopped for speeding
because I drink a glass of water
in the morning
and chain-smoke cigarettes
all through the day
because I take my coffee Black
and my milk with chocolate
because you keep my feet warm
though my life a mess
I love you
because I don't want it
any other way.

I am helpless
in my love for you
It makes me so happy
to hear you call my name
I am amazed you can resist
locking me in an echo chamber
where your voice reverberates
through the four walls
sending me into spasmatic ecstasy
I love you
because it's been so good
for so long
that if I didn't love you
I'd have to be born again
and that is not a theological statement
I am pitiful in my love for you

The Dells tell me Love
is so simple
the thought though of you
sends indescribably delicious multitudinous
thrills throughout and through-in my body
I love you
because no two snowflakes are alike
and it is possible
if you stand tippy-toe
to walk between the raindrops
I love you
because I am afraid of the dark
and can't sleep in the light
because I rub my eyes
when I wake up in the morning
and find you there
because you with all your magic powers were
determined that
I should love you
because there was nothing for you but that
I would love you

I love you
because you made me
want to love you
more than I love my privacy
my freedom my commitments
and responsibilities
I love you 'cause I changed my life
to love you
because you saw me one friday
afternoon and decided that I would
love you
I love you I love you I love you

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June 23, 2007 - Saturday

Done.
Current mood: accomplished

Today was a rough day.

And that is probably one of my biggest understatements EVER.

I quit smoking again on Friday 4PM and this morning? My brains?

WHAT brains? Like scrambled eggs without the egg part.

But it's now past my "magic hour" of the 24 hour mark. And I'm done. To HELL with going through this again.

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June 21, 2007 - Thursday

Things Turn Out....
Current mood: content

Not so much an easy night. Miss Foo decided that she'd rather come home and be here. She misses her "space" and familiar routine. She didn't feel great either, little bellyache going on.

Work was a bit insane today with server issues and the site that hosts our primary sites has been having a bit of trouble the last few days that have left me fuming. They tell me it's finally fixed. We shall see tomorrow.

.....

I got one of the best pieces of advice regarding life from an animated meerkat:

Ya gotta put the past behind ya". Thanks Timon.

For something I fought so hard to keep together for almost a year now, when I finally made the decision to just let it go, I have been completely at peace inside my head and heart.

It's amazing to me how much of myself was lost. I hit bottom on that one. Serious bottom but now, there's no where to go but up.

I finally feel sane and right inside my own head now that I only have myself to worry about and I'm good with that. I'm finally freakin' back to my happy (ISH) self. I'm making decisions that I feel are IN MY OWN BEST INTERESTS. Something I haven't done in a long, long time and damn but it feels freeing.

It feels pretty damn good to be me. JUST ME. Just like I am. :)

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Thursday!

It's almost FRIDAY. Whee!

Okay. i feel a bit better. (not really but I don't think there is much hope for THAT right now...)

I'm having a very hard time concentrating on anything worth a flip today.

So. We'll do a one liner thought entry.

Listening: Something's Wrong by K's Choice

Free night tonight. will be vegging heavily as miss foo is staying overnight with her G'ma.

So what is usually on regular television on Thursday nights? I may have a movie "Deep Blue" I think coming in but not sure.

More later....

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June 20, 2007 - Wednesday

Body & Weight
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Blogging

My longtime readers know the background on this so skip the first part if you like.

About 8 years ago I weighed about 135-140 lb. I was working an outside job at a greenhouse/nursery as the manager and I was in great health. I was strong, healthy, had lots of energy and managed to lose most of the weight I had gained after having Erica, which wasn't a super amount because of my job. I gained exactly what I was supposed to, worked up to the day I went into labor, had a very easy time of it and was back to work about 5-6 weeks later.

About a few years after Erica was born, I started gaining weight. Rapidly. My eating habits were pretty decent, I had changed jobs and started working at the paper and thought maybe it was the inactivity that was doing it. So I started walking. And watching what I ate. Very closely. No snacks, no junk, just 3 meals a day, healthy ones, portion control etc. I continued to gain weight. I think I ended up gaining almost 40 lb. in 3 months. Which is insane.

Thankfully, I had insurance so I took myself to the MD. Turns out my thyroid wasn't playing nicey-nice anymore.

My GP tried to fix it with medication but after 6 months of trying different levels of stuff, she decided that I should go in for a treatment to basically kill my thryoid and start from scratch. So I trotted on up to Wake Med, had the radioactive iodine treatment, it killed my thyroid production completely and we started on the meds again. After still another 4-5 months of her playing with the levels, I got ticked and made an appt. with a specialist. It took almost 3 years of going in every three months, getting blood drawn, adjusting the dosage level, etc. before I FINALLY got to where my levels were reading where they were supposed to be in the normal range.

And I was able to finally start feeling better. You may not realize it but your thyroid affects MANY aspects of your health including your mood and all your body processes.

Check out this link if you want the details but it's amazing what can happen if your thyroid decides to malfunction.

So anyway. I've been stabilized for the past two years. Until now. I lost some weight a couple years ago by being extremely serious about working out and walking. I was walking 3 miles, 5 days a week. I started losing. The right way.

Got to about 140 doing that.

Then I had a bunch of life drama (that I've been told is all my fault but whatever). Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, my nerves were wrecked and I dropped another 15 due to that.

Well. All of a sudden, I'm now down to 122 lb. And I am not happy. I know, a lot of people say, oh you poor baby. What a TERRIBLE problem to have.

But dude. I eat but I'm not hungry. I had to FORCE myself to eat dinner last night. Like, actual food when I could have had a yogurt and gone to bed just fine but I've been noticing a few other things. The same signs as before when my dosage level isn't right.

My hair is acting weirder than it normally tends to do. If I get a scratch, it's not healing as fast as it should or is supposed to. I don't FEEL healthy. I don't care what I weigh. I want to feel healthy and this is bothering me.

I think the dosage is now too high because I've lost weight and I called yesterday to schedule a blood draw and an appt. with my endocrinologist.

I don't want to weigh what I weigh now, feeling like I do, and also, I have ZERO clothes that fit and I am not in a position to go out and buy varying sizes of clothing. So I walk around in baggy clothes and people asking me if I'm anorexic.

Which is starting to piss me off.

Now. I'm off to find some chocolate covered donuts and a damn Bojangles biscuit.

Crap. I hate thyroid problems.

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June 19, 2007 - Tuesday

Tasty Tuesday
Current mood: busy
Category: Life

The title is a lie. I haven't had anything tasty yet today.

It's going to be a BLAZING hot one out there today boys and girls so make sure you drink your water/gatorade if you're out in the heat. Better this than cold though.

I dragged my sorry butt through the day yesterday, work finally ended and I went home. Where I did more computer work and not much else. I did watch an incredibly good movie (while doing web work) though: Boondock Saints. AWESOME. Plus, lots of eye candy by way of the two main characters ( especially Sean Patrick Flanery) and Willem DaFoe is in it too.

In other highly interesting (NOT!) breaking news: I got my real license plate to go on my really cool and cute little Jeep Liberty. No more 30 day tag. I am so proud of myself for being able to get that thing without having a cosigner. I got it ALL BY MYSELF. ON MY CREDIT. A loan.

Story: Mitsubishi Galant was getting mighty close to having 100k miles on it. Me and my OCD find it a bit difficult and nervewracking to watch numbers (that started out under 20k) climbing that high (98k). Plus, a car and scuba diving gear do not mix well.
So I started looking around.

Found the thing through Autopark in Cary at the Leith Dealership (ask for Sylvana and tell her i sent you, she is triple awesome and NOT like a regular car salesperson). Saw the pic online. They wanted 14,995 for it. Nope. Not paying that much. But I called and told her what I could pay. 12500. She came back with the number of 13000. I said, no. 12500 including taxes, tags, etc. out the door. With new tires and new floormats.

Which is exactly what I got it for. It had under 49k miles on it, the thing is almost completely perfect inside and out, love the color, love it, love it, love it. And I got it for what I could afford and what I was willing to pay. It IS a V6 and I've never owned a V6 before and probably not the best time because of gas prices but I do what I can to not spending my entire check on gas.

Probably the best part of the whole thing was that I still owed 3300 on the Galant and had a year and change left to pay. It's actual value (based on the secret black book that car people use) is only 2200. I found someone willing to buy that thing at PAYOFF in exchange for me putting down fresh pine straw two times. So poof. It was paid off. I'm over the moon about that.

I got it because I have a plan. It's not an immediate plan but it's most definitely a plan. My next purchase for it will be to get a hitch put on it. After that, I'm going to get ahold of a tiny little pop up camper. And then after that? I'm free.

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June 18, 2007 - Monday

Wow. True friends.

You know who the people are that really care about you, that have known you forever, are hardcore with the online stuff, will actually come to myspace and hook up with you as a friend in order to see what you've got to say.

You guys made me cry. In a good way. I have missed each of you so much.

More later when I don't feel like a Mack truck has been dragging me about 1/4 mile down a dirt road......(god, I need to WAKE UP).

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June 17, 2007 - Sunday

Father's Day
Current mood: sad

I just got off the phone with my Granpop. Called to wish him a Happy Father's Day.

I love my Granpop dearly but it's so hard to call him and see him because it reminds me more than ever that my Gram is not here anymore. And that brings me down pretty fast. It's not his fault but it still hurts so much.

I'm going to plan a drive up there to see him this fall. He's getting old fast too and you never know how much time someone has left. *sigh*

Happy Father's Day to all the Daddies out there that are the REAL DADS.

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July 2, 2007 - Monday

short week

It's going to be a short work week for me. Finally. My vacation time is almost here.

Stuart is currently on his vacation and he's got Erica so I REALLY get a break this week.

I'll probably not even know what to do with myself by Thursday. :)

I'm working on a new project of my own, posted a new dive log for the two dives I did this past weekend, and now I'm off to do some research.

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July 1, 2007 - Sunday

time for me to fly
Current mood: moody

Last night was a rough night.

I will not lie about it. I had a lot to grieve about and get over and I haven't done that yet. But now I have and while I don't feel like leaping tall buildings in a single bound, a lot of the mental and emotional crap is out and over with. It was definitely needed (stupid movie Castaway set me off).

I don't like change. I don't like making plans and having them come down around my ears. I can do anything in the world as long as I feel I have an emotional and mental anchor SOMEWHERE.

I live in two different places I live (in Stuart's house on the weekdays) and that truely isn't a home anymore. The funny part is that it REALLY isn't. There isn't even a couch there. He took all the furniture to the aparment (for work) in Charlotte area. So. There is this HUGE living room with one small blue chair, one little end table and a lamp. At least there is still a television although I tend to watch TV in my own room. My stuff is still all packed up in bags and boxes in one room and I've only taken out the essential everyday living stuff.

The other place is at the shop on the weekends. It's got cable, internet, air conditioning and it doesn't bother me to stay out here by myself. It's safe. AND it saves an hour drive each weekend morning and saves gas.

But neither of them is MY SPACE. With my things. I don't have a lot of things but what I do have I am very attached to emotionally because they all mean something to me. Most of which has been given to me by my Gram.

I feel a bit homeless sometimes. It's strange. I don't mind living a stripped down life but when it's just myself, I don't know. It's coming time.

But I'm starting to feel a little too unanchored. I have one stable and reliable influence in my life right now and to be quite honest, I'm not sure what I would do without it.

Well. Actually, I do. If that disappears, I'm definitely out of this state and gone.

Stuart has a great new girlfriend and she's smart and sassy and just perfect for him. I hope she has a lot of patience though because Erica ....whoo. We know how she can be at times.

So. It's almost time for me to go. Not sure exactly where. Florida? Somewhere further south or out west. I love this state but the urge to go is getting stronger day after day.

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June 30, 2007 - Saturday

Castaway: possible movie spoiler alert

You know that movie with Tom Hanks in Castaway?

The part where he loses Wilson? And he's laying there just crying and floating on what's left of his raft? The utter loss and devastation and loss of hope he conveys when just saying Wilson's name?

Yeah.

That.

I can identify with that feeling.

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my own devices...

they've left me alooooooooooone. to my own devices. with a 52 acre water hole. and lots of scuba equipment.

shop's closing soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hear water calling me.

oh yeah. did i mention that 2 out of 3 of my offspring have jobs??? DANG!!! Now that my friends, makes me feel old.

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Another Day In Paradise

It's slower than normal here at the shop today. I hate that! I like it to stay busy even if I feel like the top of my head's going to pop off. Slow days like today make me antsy.

Antsy is not good.

I am ..... I don't know. Having a bit of a roller coaster ride past few days. I need to get back into my "happy place" (hah!!!) and get my crap straight.

Whatever.

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June 27, 2007 - Wednesday

bad day: rated PG for some language

Today was not a great day.

It was stressful and frustrating and damn it. Just frustrating on many levels.

Did you know that the majority of the people who have to go to a courtroom don't have a spare brain between possibly, oh, say, 50 of them? That most of them have NO CONCEPT of the freedoms and liberties they have by being here, in the United States????

You don't get to do things that are ILLEGAL, then get caught and THEN get to bitch about the concept of there being "no justice" and how the goverment is just milking you of all your hard earned drug dealing dollars by dragging your butt to court. Oh man. The level of stupid was actually physically painful.

The disrespect people have for ANYTHING in authority is mindboggling. And you know, don't get all pissed and surprised when you fail to read the signs telling you NO HATS in the room and then you wear the hat and get called to take it off by the deputy. READ THE SIGNS people. God.

So.

That was most of my day.

I did get finished up but because of a little glitch in our system, plans had to be changed, things had to be figured out and in the end, I'll spend some more time in my beloved Jeep. But it's all good. You know why? Because I have a car charger for my phone that my son purchased for me!!! AND maybe I'll just say to hell with it, drop Mikey off and head to the beach before I get back on 40 and back into the country.

p.s.

i don't recommend that anyone should eat an entire can of spinach with vinegar because you might get a bit of a stomachache afterwards. (where are the antacids???)

It'll be all right. I got all my dang Vitamin C for the day you can believe that!

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June 26, 2007 - Tuesday

diving and A DAY

Did an entry in the dive log about my first night dive. Very cool.

Then read on a local diveboard about some of them going to cavern country in North Florida and realized I was more jealous about that than anyone going on a trip to Key Largo or whatever.

Is that crazy or what? I'm more interested in diving in the dark than in the ocean with the fish and reefs.

I never said I was sane. Or rational. :)

...

Got A DAY ahead of me tomorrow. Not sure what it holds and I hate that feeling. It's not my fate hanging in the balance and it won't affect me directly but mmm. I just want it over with already.

...

Still not smoking.

Weight is better and so is my appetite. Food! Good! Tastes extra good too!

Good thing I started back to my walking regime this past Monday.

I'm going to need it.

But! almost at a week. It's been a long couple days in a lot of ways.

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June 25, 2007 - Monday

...Should Be in the myspace blog FAQ
Category: MySpace

I've always been a fan of Firefly and the movie Serenity but have resisted all attempts to be assimilated online (Hi Amanda!).

BUT I have given in and read one blog post on Nathan Fillion's myspace page and oh hell but it IS entertaining.

He posted something that every freaking user on myspace should read.

So, there.

There's my effort to help spread the "sane" word around this insane little community.

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Muffled Monday Madness
Current mood: Muffled

It's A MONDAY at work. That's for sure.

I went and worked out though for my lunch hour. I thought that would wake me up a bit and I'm awake but the stupid brain fog is still present. I don't like it at all and hope this phase passes sooner rather than later.

I can SMELL better already. It's freakin' amazing. It smells funny in this basement and I said something to one of the girls and she said something about the electricity going out. There's a lot more but that was one of the smells: electricity burns.

I am not relaxed a bit and starting to get wound a bit so I'm out of here to try and lose myself in some stuff. Damn cigarette bullshit.

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June 24, 2007 - Sunday

a things weekend.

Just. Wow.

It had a lot of very good things and some very surreal things and some very difficult things.

I did my first real night dive and it was absolutely an incredible dive. I'm going to do a dive entry about it so not going into detail here. But yeah, awesome. :)

I quit smoking.

It was B-U-S-Y this weekend and probably not the smartest time to quit, but in my own little head, I'd been planning on quitting as soon as I got to the shop, all week long.

I can say one thing, it's not a weekend that I'll soon forget. I am tired though and I need a real shower and a REAL bed and it won't be too hard to go to a job tomorrow where I have to park my butt in a chair most of the day because it's been a very physically demanding weekend.

And have I mentioned how lucky I am to have y'all as my friends? Seriously. I have always been fortunate in that respect.

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July 11, 2007 - Wednesday

it's ONLY Wednesday

Sometimes the weekends don't ever seem to get here fast enough.

Another busy little 'non' day.

Work. Workout. Tan. Dr. Grocery store. Home. Eat. Watch movie.

Yep. I'm ready to come out of my skin!!!!

I've relaxed enough.

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that which has brought unexpected joy

a phone call
a particular voice on the other end of the line
talking
thoughts aloud
laughing
(trucks)
the time spent
plans made
what the future could hold

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Big Brother SUCKS
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I tried to watch some of this show last night but I think that the group's collective IQ is about 100.

Scotch-free? What an idiot.

Whatever. I am so over that show. It used to be rather interesting but they are scraping the bottom of the barrel at this point.

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July 10, 2007 - Tuesday

not sampson co. anymore toto

Did a quick jaunt up to North Raleigh for a special delivery.

Drivers up that way are FREAKIN insane. With a capital INSANE.

Traffic back wasn't too bad considering I was getting out at 5PM. I would have thought it much worse. I lucked out. No wrecks, no major issues.

After picking up Erica, hit a MAJOR rainstorm on the way home. Sheets of horizontal rain. The ex (almost ex's) inlaws corn was laying on it's side. Wind was fierce and the rain just pouring down.

Finishing up watching Jarhead. Then have a couple others lined up after that. Depends on the mood.

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etc.

working. while on vacation. hah!

No worries, it saves my vacation time for what I'm going to need it for soon enough.

My middle child is coming back to visit for a few weeks on Monday, my birthday. She's flying in from the big NOWHERE (see: Montana). I haven't seen her in over a year now.

I am not EVEN telling Erica that she's coming in because I don't think I can handle the amped up Erica for an entire week. *shudder* She'd be duct taped to the chair or something. (kidding! don't call CPS on me. I wouldn't really do it, but I'd think it!)

It's Tuesday. But!!!! It's all good.

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July 8, 2007 - Sunday

Swimming

Swimming with fins on will totally spoil you for swimming without fins.

Today wasn't too bad at the shop.

Now! I have all week off from work. Yay!

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July 7, 2007 - Saturday

Most Excellent
Current mood: accomplished

I had one of the best days I have had in a long time.

I took the day off from working at the scuba shop so I could dive with some friends from the ncdivers group. Lead the dive. I warned them though before we went out that there was a very good chance we'd get lost since I don't know the quarry like the back of my hand yet. Nobody else wanted to lead so off we went. Ended up WAY WAY over in the most North Western Corner. We surfaced to see where in the world we were because we were seeing a lot of pieces of machinary and nothing looked even vaguely familiar.

No wonder. None of us had ever been that far over, that far back. It wasn't a big deal, M. and B. laughed and I drew a bead on the beach entry point with my compass, we went back under and ended sorta near the beach access point.

Hah! Great dive though. Long time, almost an hour.

THEN!

I was off to meet up with KC to shoot some guns. I haven't done that in...15 years??? when I was still married to Nathan. A long time ago. I was a bit nervous at first but did okay for not having shot in such a long time.

I shot skeet for the first time. Not well, but I can say that I did it.

That was the coolest though. I loved it. I'm going to post some pics that were taken in the gallery shortly here.

Then I got some stuff to eat for dinner, headed back to the dive shop and am just sort of relaxing and getting ready to watch a movie and head to bed. Working up here all day tomorrow.

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July 5, 2007 - Thursday

movies

I wanted to go see Live Free Die Hard or whatever the new one is with Bruce Willis but apparently, ALL OF FAYETTEVILLE had the same idea to go out and see it the same time I was going to watch it. I said to heck with it and did a few other things instead.

I'll wait for it to get to the dollar theater and then go see it.

Lots of movie action going on my way lately. Watched Ghost Rider (loved it), Shooter (with Mark Wahlberg) and that was good too.

Saw the previews for Black Snake Moan on one of the discs and have added that to my Netflix queue. I'm watching Man on Fire right now and Smokin' Aces just arrived in the mailbox today.

Should keep me entertained and out of trouble for At LEAST a few hours.

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July 3, 2007 - Tuesday

things and stuff and ya know.

There is so much pain and unhappiness in this world. I don't understand, can't even begin to comprehend, the mind set of people who WORK on dealing out more pain and misery on purpose.

I have some people I care about that are going through bad relationship things and I can sympathize AND empathize. It sucks.

Why are people such assholes? On purpose? Why? I don't understand the concept of people hurting other people ON PURPOSE. Just messing with their heads. If you don't want to be in the relationship, GET OUT. Don't stick around, don't contact them, don't do anything.

I don't like vindictive, revenge-fueled people. They always want that extra pound of flesh. That extra little poke of manipulation.

I have halfway decided to never have another "relationship" again. Just you know, friends.

There are not many people out there in this world that believe in working on what you have, keeping it on track, being fair and equal in all things, taking care of each other instead of ONE PERSON taking care of the other.

I'm sick and tired of being the one that has to do everything.

I'm actually enjoying the living alone thing right now. BECAUSE I don't have to worry about anyone except me and Erica when she's with me. And at least she's not playing head games with me. AND she goes to bed at 8:30 and I get some peace. ;)

I have figured out a lot of things in the past month because I've made myself work out the crap in my head and heart.

I've only got one thing that I'm not sure about. It's a relatively new thing. And I'm a bit ..... I don't know. Uncertainly certain about how I think and feel about it all. It's very different from anything I've known.....I don't know. It's a really, really good thing though. A really good new thing that I'm not sure about. LOL!!!

Yeah. I'm okay. I'm better than okay. I'm actually enjoying living my life again. It's been awhile.

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July 2, 2007 - Monday

How much more right?

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Everytime you trample across my peaceful mind
Flailing freely, want me to let it slide
How you hurt her went so far beyond wrong
I burn you down to cinders, ashes now you're gone, yeah

And the scars you left behind
Slowly fade away with time
Ashes of what used to be
Now they tore you onto me

Begging mercy, shifting, playing on both sides
Cut your own throat open and ask me how you died
What was once respect has slowly headed south
Memory forces echoes better in my mouth, yeah

And the scars you left behind
Slowly fade away with time
Ashes of what used to be
Now they tore you onto me

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Well I have no respect left for what you're about
And sympathy won't come from me
Erase everything that you once could have been
Destruction of your dignity

I scatter your ashes into the wind
Regret is too short, now you're free
Leave here in shame doomed to fulfill
Your pathetic destiny

And the scars you left behind
Slowly fade away with time
Ashes of what used to be
Now they tore you onto me

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
It's history
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
It's history

AND it's got Jerry Cantrell singing. Perfect. It's called Ashes to Ashes by DamagePlan featuring Jerry Cantrell (of Alice In Chains). It's a pretty dramatic beat, matches the words perfectly.

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July 20, 2007 - Friday

I love you Friday.

Today is a good day. If all goes well, I'll be able to see K. in about 9ish or so hours. I can. not. wait.

Tonight, me, A lix, E rica, my oldest niece, and K. will be going down to Wilmington to spend the night. AND my Uncle Joe will finally be in town.

All of my children will be together at one time, in one place, even if only for a short period of time. I will get photos. I don't dwell on it much because it just is what it is but I really miss my kids.

But then they open their mouths and that passes pretty quickly. :P Hah!

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July 19, 2007 - Thursday

What to say?
Current mood: ecstatic

There have been some things that have happened in the past 24 hours that have left me ....... without words for the most part.

I am incredibly happy about the recent turn of events and it's so important to me that I don't even have the words to talk about it yet. Soon though.

.....

Going to Wilmington on Friday night to take Alix down to visit her G'ma and Mikey and Papa Ray. AND now!!! I just found out that my Uncle Joe, most favoritest uncle EVAH in the whole world (Mikey's middle name is Joseph after him) is going to be there too!!!!!!!!!

Yay!! So, I'm bouncing all over the place with anticipation and happiness and just WOW!!!!!!

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July 18, 2007 - Wednesday

my birthday

I wanted to thank ALL my friends here, on TUS, on OTS, on NCDIVERS and my coworkers.

I had THE BEST birthday. It's amazing and just so damn .....well. It fills my heart and makes me want to cry. In a good way.

Thank you. I am truly blessed to have each of you in my life and I appreciate your friendship so very much. It means everything to me.

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Wednesday, Wednesday...la la la la la (doesn't have the same ring as Monday Monday, eh?)

Have done some diving, need to update the dive journal. Sort of being lazy about it right now.

Have plans with dive buddy to start working on drills and navigation and stuff like that instead of just finning around and looking at stuff all the time. It's time to GET SERIOUS.

Anyway.

I'm at work. Big whoop. Need to start doing some "research" that the Powers That Be gave me to do. Not difficult, just boring and time consuming.

I'm stressing about Friday. Had something planned that I really really really wanted to happen but doubt that it will. (insert big sigh.)

......

We had thunder and lightning storms all around us for a few hours on and off last night around 2:30 AM and Erica kept waking up because she is TERRIFIED of lightning and thunder. I have no idea how to get her over that fear. But because SHE kept waking up, guess who ELSE kept getting woke up? So I'm a bit tired this morning.

......

Stuart's quitting smoking and man is he being such a short tempered ass about everything.

......

Started watching V for Vendetta last night while working on some web site stuff. I think I went to bed around 9:30 or 10 though. Still tired.

Back to work for now.

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July 17, 2007 - Tuesday

Today...

All of my children are in the same state.

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July 16, 2007 - Monday

The Playlist For THE Day: Happy 35 Renee Ann

1. All I Want Is You -U2

"You say you want diamonds and ring of gold, you say you want your story to remain untold but all the promises we make from the cradle to the grave... when all i want is you."

2. All Fired Up - Pat Benatar

Livin with my eyes closed, goin day to day
I never knew the difference, I never cared either way
Lookin for a reason, searchin for a sign
Reachin out with both hands, I gotta feel the kick inside
All fired up
Now I believe there comes a time
All fired up
When everything just falls in line
All fired up
We live an learn from our mistakes
All fired up, fired up, fired up - hey

Aint nobody livin, in a perfect world
Everybodys out there, cryin to be heard
Now I got a new fire, burnin in my eyes
Lightin up the darkness, movin like a meteorite

We live an learn from our mistakes
All fired up, fired up, fired up
The deepest cuts are healed by faith
Now I believe there comes a time
When everything just falls in line
We live an learn from our mistakes
The deepest cuts are healed by faith

3. These Things I've Done - The Killers

When there's no where else to run
is there room for one more song?

If you can't hold on, if you can't hold on,
HOLD ON.

4. American Badass - Kid Rock

"Yeah! And I've set up and tore down this stage wth my own two own hands...I will show no shame..I will die for this....Are you scared? Devil without a cause and I'm BACK!"

5. Are We The Waiting? - Green Day

Starry nights, city lights coming down over me
skyscrapers stargazers in my head
are we we are, are we we are, the waiting unknown
this dirty town is burning down in my dreams
lost and found city bound in my dreams

6. Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie

i need some shelter of my own protection baby
be with myself and center, clarity, peace, serenity
i hope you know, i hope you know, that this has nothing to do with you
it's personal, myself and i, we got some straightening up to do

7. Big Machine - Goo Goo Dolls

.....God it's good to be alive!!!
I'm torn in pieces, I'm blind and waiting, for my heart is reeling, i'm blind and waiting for you.....

8. Breathe - Anna Nalick

Winter just wasn't my season......cuz ya can't jump the tracks, we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table no one find the rewind button girl, so cradle your head in your hands and BREATHE, Just breathe, oooh breathe, just breathe.

9. Bullet - Mat Kearney

....it doesn't matter AT ALL. I would take a bullet for you, I would take a bullet for you, I would cross any line and swim across the sea.....and show you, it's for real.

10. Call and Answer - Bare Naked Ladies

"I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again..........I think it's the getting to the point that is the hardest part...... And if you call, I will answer, and if you fall, I'll pick you up and if you court this disaster I''ll point you home. I'll point you home."

11. Crush With Eyeliner - REM

"I know you. I know you've seen her. She's a sad tomato. She's 3 miles of bad road....she's a real woman, child. I am smitten.....I'm the real thing. The Real Thing. Have you seen her come around?"

12. Float On - Modest Mouse

"....and we'll all float on okay. and we'll all float on okay. and we'll all float on. now don't you worry, we'll all float on. All right already we'll all float on."

13. Getaway Car - Audioslave

"The first time I saw you, you wee chasing down a cyclone all alone in the field......never thought you'd wind up chasing me. Settle down, I won't hesitate to hit the highway before you lay me to waste. Saddle up and I'll help you find something to drive before you drive me insane......"

14. Goody Two Shoes - Adam Ant

".....don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?" ;)

15. Got To Be A Lover - Billy Idol

"Have I told you Lately that I love you.........When I realized that you need love too, Gonna spend my life makin' love to you."

16. Harder To Breathe - Maroon 5

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical......

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to fuckin' tread the ground that I'm walking on

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head
You should know better you never listened to a word I said
Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat
Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

Does it kill
Does it burn
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control

Does it thrill
Does it sting
When you feel what I bring
And you wish that you had me to hold

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say.....

17. Heavens Dead - Audioslave

Anchor the night, open the sky
Hide in the hours before sunrise
Pray for me not, I won't lose sight
Of where I belong and where you lie

Heaven's dead when you get sad
I see your wishes fly
Out of time
For the best time you've had

Shipwreck the sun, I'm on your side
An army of one, onward we will ride
Whisper your songs, birds to the air
We'll bury all of our burdens there

Heaven's dead when you get sad
I see your wishes fly
Out of time
For the best time you've had
Heaven's dead when you get sad
I see your wishes flying
Out of time
For the best time you've had

For the best time you had
best time you had
Heaven's dead when you get sad

Heaven's dead when you get sad
I see your wishes fly
Out of time
For the best time you've had
Heaven's dead when you get sad
I see your wishes flying
Out of time

take it all, arrows or guns
Hundreds more to save you from one
To save you from one
To save you from one
Heaven's dead when you get sad

18. Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

19. I Am The Highway - Audioslave

Pearls of swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel
yeah

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

20. I Hear The Bells - Mike Doughty

....I hear the bells
Down in the canyon, it's
Snow in New York
Some blue December, I'm
Gone to the moon
Without you, girl, and I'm
Calling to you
Throughout the world and well I can
Hear the bells are
Ringing joyful and triumphant and I can
Hear the bells are
Ringing joyful and triumphant...

21. I Write Sins Not Tragedies -

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oh yeah....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

:)))))))))))) < HUGE GRIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY 35TH RENEE.

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*bounce*
Current mood: bouncy

FREAKING EXCELLENT weekend.

I can't remember the last time I was so incredibly squeefully happy for that long. Over a year I think.

Work at the shop was good. Everything went smoothly. I went diving on Friday night, did a working dive (I actually just sort of helped, I didn't do the actually line tying) on Saturday, then Sunday worked half the day in the shop and the other half helping with the construction of a new changing room at the quarry. Which brings me to some wonderful, super awesome, excellent news.

I do work for both the scuba shop AND now the quarry owners and my dives are gratis as long as I continue to help out. Which I have NO PROBLEM with. I'm loving it. I've been watering plants and helping out at the gate for a few weeks now just whenever the owners have to step away for a minute but this is such a good thing I'm over the m-o-o-n about it. :)

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July 14, 2007 - Saturday

Marriage Proposal

I had the most lovely little marriage proposal today.

I told him if only he was about 30 years younger.

It's been busy as heck at the shop today. Steady busy. KC's been helping out in the compression room but I'm here by myself for now. Listening to my iPod.

Radio Kaos by Roger Waters.

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July 12, 2007 - Thursday

Friday is TOMORROW!!!!

I am actually not going into work at all tomorrow. Will be packing, work out, head north.

CAN NOT WAIT.

Nine Inch Nails released a song a year or so ago: Every Day Is Exactly The Same and that's usually what my weekdays are but the weekends are another story completely.

I did exactly the same thing today that I did yesterday. Now, I am surfing the web and killing time and soon enough it will be time to sleep and then it will be the day. :)

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July 31, 2007 - Tuesday

good mornin'!!!!!

Dear God. How is it like AUGUST TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm having such an awesome summer this year. This day last year is when shit really started going downhill. It's absolutely amazing what change a year can bring.

I had a bunch of kids staying at the house last night. Alix's cousins were both there. I really miss seeing those girls. That's the bad part of breaking up with people. If there are kids involved. I remember Ash being just a little girl of 5 years old. It's amazing to me that she's 17 now. And Sam. I am glad that they've been around since Alix has been down. It's been great to see them. And Sam is totally interested in learning how to dive and I love it. The girl rocks. I'd like to get her up to CS for a Discover Scuba class and then get her set up with her real C card before it gets cold.

Got some new music d/l'd along with some not so new stuff.

Listening:

1. Because of You - Kelly Clarkson ft/Reba McEntire
2. Wrapped - George Strait
3. Nothing That You Are - Mandy Moore
4. I Don't Love You - My Chemical Romance
5. Judas - Kelly Clarkson
6. Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston (loved it when the girls started singing that to me last night while I was talking to Kevin on the phone.)
7. Don't Waste Your Time - Kelly Clarkson (great new album btw)
8. One Minute - Kelly Clarkson
9. Tarantula - Smashing Pumpkins
10. Capital G - Nine Inch Nails
11. If I Never See Your Face Again - Maroon 5
12. This Is Why I'm HOTT - Mims (I''m hot cuz I'm fly, you ain't cuz you not)
13. Kerosene - Miranda Lambert (light 'em up and watch them burn, teach them what they need to learn - HAH!)
14. Float On - Modest Mouse

Note: One Minute by Kelly Clarkson should be the poster song for the Bipolar/Manic Depressive:

Kelly Clarkson - One Minute

You're going crazy,
Running on empty,
You can't make up your mind,
You try to hide it,
But you had to say it,
Restless all this time,
So completely drained from every thing that's in your life,
It's so wrong but you had to scream every thought you kept inside,

One minute you laugh,
The next minute you're slowly sinking into something black,
I get the feeling that lately nothing ever really lasts,I keep trying to get up but I keep falling back,
And you love,
And you hate,
And you wait,
Cause one minute goes fast,

You just can't escape it,
You're losing patience,
You wonder what went wrong,
Everything changes,
Happy then jaded,
Always a different song,
Playin' in your head just when you think you got it down,
Out of nowhere you realize it's different music playing now,

One minute you laugh,
The next minute you're slowly sinking into something black,
I get the feeling that lately nothing ever really lasts,
I keep trying to get up but I keep falling back,
And you love,
And you hate,
And you wait,
Cause one minute goes
Fast,

One minute goes fast,
Fast,
Fast,
Fast,
One minute goes fast,
Yeah,
Yeah,

One minute you laugh,
The next minute you're slowly sinking into something black,
I get the feeling that lately nothing ever really lasts,
I keep trying to get up but I keep falling back,
And you love,
And you hate,
And you wait,
Cause one minute goes,
One minute goes,
One minute goes,
Fast,

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July 30, 2007 - Monday

You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch....

*sigh* Misty is having a fit because she couldn't leave a comment on one of my blog posts. She said that it "wasn't like me". And I said, but it IS me. And she's like, but you don't normally let EVERYONE see that side of you.

And I don't. But sometimes it's necessary to unguard and be vulnerable. I can do that when I feel safe. And I feel more safe now than I ever have before. So, it's easier.

Does it make me uncomfortable at times? Yes. Definitely. I have a lot on the line. And there is no going back or building up little walls or anything. I don't WANT to do that. Because if there are walls, it is not worth the time. It has to be wide open. And that is exhilarating and scary and wonderful and fulfilling and the best thing in the entire world all in one package.

So, no. The Renee that most people deal with and see on a daily basis, they consider me a bitch and cold and uncommunicative and lots of other things. And I can be. Especially if I don't trust you or you have hurt me or I don't know you. But that, what most people see, is the FAKE me.

The real Renee is kept only for those I love and trust and for the most part, here, I am surrounded by those that love me and those that I love and trust. So, I can do that every once in awhile...even in such a public place. :)

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July 29, 2007 - Sunday

time is running out
Current mood: sad

I'm a little sad today. Time is running out and it's almost time for Alix to go back to Montana.

Kevin has the exact sentiment that I do and that my whole family does, "can't we just sort of forget to put her back on the plane."

I wish. I wish. I wish. I wish. She's so incredibly beautiful this child of mine and I've missed so much of her life and just watching her and listening to her....she amazes me. I'm so proud of her and who she is and who she is becoming.

It gets harder every time to say goodbye to her. Knowing that it will be 6 months to another year until I see her again.

Wednesday is when she goes back. *sigh* That sucks.

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July 25, 2007 - Wednesday

Congratulations Son!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!
Current mood: jubilant

Lots to talk about. Stuff I don't want to talk about. Things I can't talk about here. Sorry.

BUT!!!!!!!

What I DO want to talk about is how incredibly proud I am that Mikey finished out his last class to receive his High School Diploma.

And it's ALL to his credit. Because after all the crap that went down, I goaded him by telling him to just get a GED and get over it. But he refused. Even in the midst of court and lawyers and probation and having to ride public transportation to get to school and walk to work, he did it.

He stuck it out and got his High School Diploma. YOU DID IT!!!! And I am so, so proud of you. I can't even tell you how much.

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Yesterday

Yesterday I had to do something that I can't talk about yet but it was completely surreal and HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!

Then we (Kevin and myself) went to the Observation Deck at RDU (which was so very neat in itself).

Drove home. Crashed early. 10PM. Started working on the divetime entry but my eyes kept trying to close and I gave up and went to bed.

I will be moving soon. Again. :) But this time, I'm looking forward to it.

I can't wait!!!!!

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July 24, 2007 - Tuesday

Powerful Beyond Measure
Current mood: contemplative

it is morning and i am not yet awake. but i have 24 oz. of coffee that should do the trick shortly here.

About the movieCoach Carter.

I'm not a basketball person, in fact, it's the one sport that I truly hate having to watch. Hate it.

So, why did I watch a movie based on the game of basketball? I don't know but it was one of the best damn movies ever. Samuel L. Jackson was perfect and it was based on the real life of a basketball coach from California, Ken Carter.

Oh man. I watched that sucker and cried at the end. It was just incredible. It makes me wish that I could make that much of a difference in someone's life.

In a few of the scenes, the Coach gets up in the face of one particular player and asks him one question: "What is your deepest fear?"

Of course the guy doesn't know what the hell he's talking about but at one point in the movie, the player stands up and replies with this quote and it just sent chills down my spine.

The quote is from "A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles" by Marianne Williamson.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts.

Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us."

THAT is how I want to live my life.

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July 23, 2007 - Monday

10ish PM Rambles

Tomorrow I have to go up in a northernly direction and do something but I will get to see Kevin too!

That's enough motivation for me to get my butt to bed so tomorrow will hurrry up and GET HERE!!!!

Finished watching Coach Carter. That movie....my God. What an incredible story. The world needs more people like Ken Carter's in it. We'd be a much better world.

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Past weekend

The trip to Wilmington was awesome.

Kevin was worried he'd be in the hot seat because he hadn't met any of my family yet except for Alix. He went with me to pick her up from the airport.

But I tried to explain that with Alix being in town, Mikey being down there, Erica AND my niece Kelsey being there PLUS my Uncle Joe coming into town, it would be chaos and there would be no hot seat.

I was completely right. Of course. My kids loved him (especially Erica) and my family liked him too.

We went swimming at the beach with the girls Friday night. Tried to go Saturday but the surf was killer and we decided to get the little ones out and head over to the pool. Did that for a bit and then we (Kevin and I) headed back up I-40 to the quarry.

On Sunday, the guy that was supposed to be in on Sunday morning to help didn't bother showing and it was just me in the tank room AND the store and I was SLAMMED!!!! So I ended up having to call Dave in.

Later, we (Kevin, me and a guy named Chad) moved one of the airplane wings over to the shallow plane. Which was nervewracking as heck for me but worked out well. More details on that in the divetime blog when I update later.

Overall, most excellent weekend. Was very sad to see it end. Hated driving back down 40 to Sampson county.

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July 22, 2007 - Sunday

People That Don't Keep Their Promises
Current mood: irritated

You know.

You don't go around telling people you're going to be there and do certain things and oh yeah, you are 100% loyal and no matter WHAT and then just completely flake on everything you promised.

That is some sorry ass shit right there. Excuse my language and attitude but I am sick to death of people like that.

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July 20, 2007 - Friday

In the now: finding the one
Current mood: content

I found someone who is .... almost impossible to describe. I have felt this way for a while now but hesitated to put it into words. Because I wanted to make sure that what I was feeling and what he was feeling was REAL and TRUE.

After all the drama and ugliness I've been through in the past year, I didn't know if I could trust my own heart or head on anything or if I'd ever be able to trust again after what happened.

So there was a lot of talking.

Getting to know each other as people, as friends first.

And it turned into something else. A something else that is so much deeper and beyond what I've ever felt.

It's a feeling of finding your other half when you didn't even know you had a half missing. But it's a stable and calm and loving feeling.....it's like it's a key that's finally found it's home.

It's not all jittery and crazy and dramatic and wreckless and a trainwreck waiting to happen.

It's the feeling of being complete. And happy. And hopeful. And having absolute trust in someone. And finally feeling the tiniest blossom of optimism opening up inside my heart when I had given up on that a long time ago.

He's the kind of man who has the ability to BE a man. And to love ME. AND my kids.

He is one of those very rare men and I am so damn unbelievably happy and lucky that I have found him.

And that's why I thanked God (whether you believe in him or not) for my unanswered prayers that my previous relationship work out. Because that relationship was never meant to be and I ignored what all my family and friends were telling me and they were right.

Because my ONE was here and it was the right time and right place and I am his and he is mine.

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August 7, 2007 - Tuesday

Goodbyes and Thanks

I'm sitting here typing this blog entry while sitting on the floor.

My monitor is on top of a box and I'm in a house that is not and hasn't been my home for many years now although officially it's only been about a year and a half since I left. God. It seems like a million years ago and a million lifetimes too.......

In just a few days, I will no longer be here and I will say goodbye to all the memories: good and bad, again. I appreciate Stuart for being a TRUE friend and letting me stay here at his home during a very stressful few months of my life.

It's funny that as much as I hate being here and as much as I hated having to come back, ALL the GOOD stuff started happening to me the second I did. It's so weird.

And so at least this time when I leave, I can leave and have some good memories of the leaving.

Because I know what I'm starting out on next. And I can try to describe how this makes me feel on many levels but some things.....I don't want to share.

Some things, believe it or not, are meant to be held tight and seen and felt in your mind's eye and heart and cherished and for all that I feel and think, that's only to be shared with one other person.

So, to wrap up saying my thanks and my goodbyes to this house and my past and all:

Thank you Stuart.

If the world had more marriages and relationships that ended up as ours has, the world would be a much happier and less vindictive place. You deserve only the best of what YOU want. Thank you for giving me a haven when I needed it. Even if, ESPECIALLY because though (heh), it weirds everyone out. *grin*

And once again, Goodbye Easy Street.

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Stuck In My HEADDDDDD!!! Thanks Erica Shay.

La da da la la la
La da da la la la
La da da la la la la la
It took too long
It took too long
It took too long for you to call back
And normally I would just forget that
Except for the fact it was my birthday
My stupid birthday

I played along
I played along
I played along
Rolled right off my back
But obviously my armor was cracked
What kind of a boyfriend would forget that?
Who would forget that?

The type of guy who doesn't see
What he has until she leaves
Don't let me go
Cause without me you know you're lost
Wise up now or pay the cost
Soon you will know

You're not living
'Til you're living, living with me
You're not winning
'Til you're winning, winning me
You're not getting
'Til you're getting, getting to me
You're not living 'til you're living, living for me

This is the potential breakup song
Our album needs just one
Oh baby please
Please tell me

We got along
We got along
We got along until you did that
Now all I want is just my stuff back
Do you get that?
Let me repeat that
I want my stuff back

You can send it in a box
I don't care
Just drop it off
I won't be home
Cause without me you know you're lost
Minus you, I'm better off
Soon you will know

You can try
You can try
You know I'd know it'd be a lie
Without me you're gonna die
So you betta think clearly, clearly
Before you nearly,nearly mess up the situation
That you're gonna miss dearly, dearly
Come on!

This is the potential breakup song
Our album needs just one
Oh baby please
Please, tell me

This is the potential make up song
Please just admit you're wrong
Which will it be
Which will it be

La da da la la la
La da da la la la
La da da la la la la la

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Tuesday Countdown

So much to Doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! Things to wrap up. And dang. Very little time to do it.

EEEKKKK!!!!!!!!!

I need to get a bed!!!!! And a vacuum cleaner!!!!!

And Kevin is coming down today to help move some of the big stuff. I don't actually have to move things ALONE. I have help.

List. I need to make a list. I am not a list making person. :) Hah!!!!!

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August 6, 2007 - Monday

The Job.

I landed a job doing something at a place that just the interview itself was like watching myself on a television show or something.

Kevin went with me because I didn't want to have to find the place by myself (besides being able to spend some time during the week with him, bonus!) and I went in and the woman had to have a badge to open the doors and this big door slides open silently and we enter a small conference room that's all glass on one wall that's overlooking a stadium seating "pit" type room with rows of people sitting at computers and on the wall in front of all of them are all these projections of graphs and statistics and live weather maps and just DAY UM. The room was dark and they all had head sets on and were focused very intently on the computers in front of them and the stuff on the wall.

I was thinking there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that I'd get the job she was talking about.

The position I interviewed originally for was just a little data entry processing position. No big deal. The woman I talked to was very nice but the more we talked .... she said what nobody likes to hear: "you are really overqualified for this position."

I told her, that's not exactly what anyone wants to hear but she followed it up with the news that they had just created a new position for the VP of Security Operations and she was going to find him and have him talk to me about THAT position.

And he came in and we went over everything and he basically told me that I had the job after the criminal, credit and drug checks came back fine. And then named a figure that almost made me fall out of the chair.

My new job title is "Project Coordinator" but it's going to be a big free for all challenge and THAT is going to be so cool. He'll be my immediate supervisor, he travels a lot, the job deals with internet security and some travel will be involved at some point and I'll be coordinating and documenting and all sorts of stuff and oh my GOD I start on MONDAY!!!!!!!

I'll be living in North Raleigh (a city! wheee!!!! I need a map although I am managing to find my way in and out so far) with a Man I absolutely love and adore, who loves me back, who actively likes my kids, who is just absolutely amazing and a true partner in every sense of the word AND working at a firm that deals in Internet Security making enough money that I'll actually be able to pay my bills and MAYBE HaVE more than $20 left over to last until that next paycheck in two weeks.

If I'm dreaming, please don't wake me up because everything prior to this seems like hell on earth compared to what's sitting in front of me right now.

WHO KNEW????????

The only downside is that I will be leaving behind some people at the paper that I will truly miss.

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Oh. My. God.
Current mood: crazy

I have a NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That I start on MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More later after I scrape myself off the ceiling......

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Past Weekend: LOTS of stuff

First weekend spent in North Raleigh. Um. (BIG GRIN) It was wonderful.

And I have a new town (holy crap, a BIG one to me!!) to learn. I need maps, many, many maps!!!

S.C. and I also finished and completed our Rescue Diver course. wow. I don't feel like it but I at least I know if I'm ever placed in the position to have to do something, I have some working knowledge of what to do although I don't think you can ever learn enough to for that. Ever. It's gaining knowledge and information every time you dive and taking the time to learn and read and dive and learn at every opportunity.

But it's a big milestone for me and I am proud to have accomplished that.

Did even more work in the shop this weekend, the place looks very different than it did just a few weeks ago. Kevin is definitely an "all action" kind of guy instead of "big talk, no action." Niiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccccccccceeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

We also did some more "work" dives sinking a platform and using lift bags on weights to sink the platform and it's fun learning more and more every single time going out doing stuff like that.

Mikey and Alix: Hope y'all are doing okay and BEHAVING yourselves. I miss you both and love you. Talk soon.

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August 3, 2007 - Friday

Today is THE day

THE day of the rescue dive scenario.

I. am. freAKING.

I will be glad when it's passed and I can start focusing on really learning the techniques instead of worrying about the "testing" part of it. I hate that.

And tonight? I won't be sleeping at the dive shop. Tonight, I'll be spending the night in my new digs. In North Raleigh. With Kevin. Our place. WHOO!!!

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August 2, 2007 - Thursday

Just in case you live under a rock....

I love you Kevin G. Coleman!!!!!!!!

there it is. Right there in front of God and everyone. :)

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August 1, 2007 - Wednesday

even in the sad though...

there is still this guy.

and he makes my heart beat fast and makes me giddy and makes me smile even on my saddest day. we can laugh about things you would never think to laugh about which makes it that much better. he is someone who can take one look at me and know exactly how I feel inside and knows how to do one simple thing to make it better.

he is light and optimisim and love and caring and everything that's good and right in this crazy mixed up world.

And I hope that one day I will wake up and feel like I deserve someone like him to love someone like me.

because he absolutely is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

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August 1, 2007

Today was a bit of a sad day.

I had to send Alix back to Montana. I didn't cry until after she got on the plane. And then I went into the bathroom and had my own little sobfest. She cried the whole way onto the plane. This stuff just kills me and it doesn't get any easier and it just sucks. I miss her and Erica misses her.

I picked Erica up this evening and she looked a bit sad and I just sort of hugged her really tight when I put her to bed and told her it was me and her again. Man.

Freaking Montana. Thanks Nathan.

And then read through a bulletin here that a very good and long time friend had lost his wife to cancer. I am so sorry Doug and just wanted you and your family to know that I'm thinking of y'all. I know how much she meant to you as a friend and your wife. I'm so very sorry and wish I could take some of that burden off your shoulders.

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August 21, 2007 - Tuesday

entry up at the other place

tried to use the mail distribution list but the password i have is incorrect. amanda? email me please!

but for those on the notify, you know where it's at.

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August 20, 2007 - Monday

Mon Day : it is!

5AM wake ups and 2 mile workouts at 6 AM are NOT yet my cuppa tea. I don't even REMEMBER what I did that early in the AM.

I remember who was there with me for a too brief period of time but after that I just sort of wandered around the 6,000 different machines until it was time to hit the showers and head into work. And I STILL got into work too early.

Erica has her "Meet The Teacher" day this Thursday. I get to leave work early and go pick her up from G'ma's and I have to stop in Dunn so I might try to slide in and say hey to my persons in TDR. Depends on time. After Meet The Teacher, it'll be another drive BACK down to Sampson County.

I get to leave work early but good God. All the driving, I am not looking forward to. Must have new music to listen to for the drive!!!

This Saturday is my oldest neice's birthday party and also the first time that Kevin will meet my sister and Ollie and their two youngest kids. He's already met my Mom and Ray and Kelsey (oldest niece). Everyone loves him. What's not to love though? :)

Well. Okay. Except for the "ask the right question" thing. ;)

Oh yeah!!! I got to speak to his Mom and Dad on the phone the other night. That was cool. I enjoyed it. :)

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August 18, 2007 - Saturday

7AM Dive
Current mood: exhausted

Today was lllllooooooooonnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg. After a long week at work, good for the most part, still long though. Mentally challenging and I'm up for a hyperbaric session.

Did a very early morning dive using a very big tank a 130 and a diff reg set. The curtains of algae even at 50' and more were ..... interesting. The visibility in the water has deteriorated quickly....or so it seems. It's actually the middle of August. How did the entire summer already go by for the most part???? So fast. Soon it will be Christmas.

It's interesting to note that you can see the thermocline underwater in much the same way you can see heat shimmering off the pavement. Pretty neat. And also? It's still FREAKING cold at that depth. I was freezing my butt off after about 25 minutes down there and I was diving it dry. Still only about 50-55 degrees. Surface temps are at 78-80.

Didn't end up doing many air fills today for which I am VERY THANKFUL.

Went out to eat last night and Kevin indulged me when passing a football game underway at a local high school, I wanted to watch halftime and the game for a few minutes. I miss that stuff. I miss watching Mikey play sports.

Anyway.

I'm beat now. Early night for me.

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August 17, 2007 - Friday

FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I get a "hell yeah!" for my Friday? AND A CASUAL Friday dress code? Hell Yeah. Finally. Real clothes!!! :P

This has been a difficult week. I am not going to lie about it.

Adjusting to everything that is new. A new job. A new relationship. A new place of living. A new town. A different culture at work. New people. New places. All my friends that I no longer see on a day to day basis. My normal support system is gone. PLUS Erica has been at her Grandma's all week and will be there all next and I am missing her and my routine as well. She drives me crazy but she's my foo and I miss her bounce.

I feel a bit.......at sea if you will. Things are not exactly as I'd envisioned. In some ways they are better, in some ways they are a little wobbly.

I'm just glad it's Friday and that this weekend goes like most weekends. I really need that to happen.

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August 16, 2007 - Thursday

What is today???

Today is Thursday. It's been an insane week thus far.

Work is still cool as hell. Love the people, love the pace. It's crazy. No time for anything but what we're doing although everyone has fun doing it.

Traffic on 540 at 5 PM though? Can kiss my ass. Wow. I need to find some backroads or something because it took me 40 minutes to get from work to where I'd be picking Erica up from daycare before they close at 6PM. That's with NO accidents.

Need to find those shortcuts within the next few days and next week before she gets up here and starts school on the 27th.

I feel a lot more at ease....things are starting to make sense. I have already figured out exactly where I'm going to fit in and what my roles are going to be for the most part and now it's just diving in (hah!) and getting to it.

At least it is challenging and interesting and the people in charge aren't a bunch of morale killers. That's right on up there in importance (right after money). :)

Alix, send Clark your email address so he can get your info or you're stuff isn't going ot be on that site so you can get calls.

Mikey, give me a call later tonight.

Off to work!!

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August 13, 2007 - Monday

It’s Monday Morning....
Category: Life

I'm so not used to sitting around waiting to go to work. Usually I would have been at work since 7 AM at TDR. Now, I'm just sort of sorting clothes, checking email, and waiting for time to pass so I can get dressed and get going.

I am to report for my first day at 9:30 AM although this would not be my normal start time. Most of the day is over with by 9:30AM . :)

It's been a transitional weekend. The animals arent' going to eat each other at least. That's a good thing. As long as they understand that the guinea pig is the boss, everyone will remain standing. I'm probably just going to give up and let Diablo be in indoor/outdoor cat although I hate the thought. I've had to corral his fat orange butt back into the house about 3 times already. Fat Brat.

Had a BAD portion of an evening the other night...Saturday night, when my vehicle refused to start. I was highly stressed. We walked back to the house from the store (it's not that far away.) and since it was getting dark, we'd deal with it the next morning.

And we went out messed with it a bit and it was the stupid battery. It was reading that it had 13 volts but I guess no amps. So off to see the wizard and picked up a new battery and bada bing: it started.

One thing: Kevin was under the jeep and I was squatting down in front of it and a lady had apparently pulled in and walked over and said something about "what a way to start a weekend." Then she offered us some water. Which we accepted. That was very nice!

I've been in total flake mode apparently this weekend because just before the jeep incident, I dropped my stupid debit card on the ground. He found it.

And then made me a shelf, picked up a router and now we both have our computers on the internet.

KEVIN IS BOSS. And THE MAN.

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August 10, 2007 - Friday

Thinking out loud....

I need to be able to put the following into my jeep for the final move (at least for now. I'm not worried about bringing my Christmas decorations at this point. just the main parts and pieces):

1 monitor
1 hard drive
1 computer chair (this is going to be the fun one)
1 DVD player
1 Tivo player +brown box that goes with it
1 telephone
1 television
1 box photos
1 computer monitor (big'un)
1 large box
1 dog
1 cat
1 round mirror
1 dive bag filled with various bits and pieces and clothes

Anything else I can cram in the nooks and corners of the space that's left.

OY VEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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August 9, 2007 - Thursday

all the way.

I am ready now to go. I didn't want to come back to SC. EVEN with my beloved electronics down here. I am more than ready to move and finally have what I have been looking for in a man and in life for so long and have never found one strong enough, with enough courage and guts to stand beside me. And of course, one that thinks we're perfect for each other. Someone's who's optimism balances out my cynicism. Someone who doesn't believe in "can't".

I am so incredibly happy. This time last year was absolute f'n MISERY for me.

This year? 2007 started off pretty damn bad. But this early summer? 2007 has done a complete 180 on me and I am off the charts excited.

FINALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

I am a lucky, DAMN LUCKY woman. And a very thankful one as well.

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Last Day At Rec Center & School Stuff

I joined the local Rec center almost 2 years ago and have been going pretty faithfully since that time.

It's not a big facility and it only has 3 treadmills and the majority of the people going are older, older but it's close to work, relatively cheap and I like it.

I've also lost a lot of weight since starting out there. It's been mostly a good thing. And today I went and did my last workout there.

3 miles of which I ran 1.25 of them plus weights. I definitely couldn't have done that when I first started.

Hell, I couldn't have done the running part until just a month ago and since quitting smoking again. The closest I'd come to running straight at one time distance-wise was 3/4 of a mile. Now, that's cake and pie to me most days.

I'll miss my routine and all but I'll find another place in my new area and it'll be just as good if not better.

Tomorrow, I'm pretty sure that I wont' have time to go (I usually use my lunch hour) with it being my last day at the paper.

I also went and dropped off the info to have Erica's school records transferred to her new school.

That was a little painful. But, Wake County schools are better schools (educationally) than this little old county and they offer more progressive stuff and it'll be a good thing.

Age-wise, it's going to be the easiest age to move Erica to a new school. We'll see what happens and how it goes. It's going to be a lot of new stuff not just for me but for little Miss Foo as well.

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August 8, 2007 - Wednesday

Teenagers by MCR

They're gonna clean up your looks
With all the lies in the books
To make a citizen out of you
Because they sleep with a gun
And keep an eye on you son
So they can watch all the things you do

Because the drugs never work
They're gonna give you a smirk
'Cause they got methods of keepin' you clean
They're gonna rip up your heads
Your aspirations to shreds
Another cog in the murder machine

They said all teenagers scare
The living shit out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
And strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me

The boys and girls in a clique
The awful names that they stick
You're never gonna fit in much, kid
But if you're troubled and hurt
What you got under your shirt
Will make them pay for the things that they did

They said all teenagers scare
The living shit out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed

So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me

Ohhh yeah!

They said all teenagers scare
The living shit out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me

All together now!

Teenagers scare
The living shit out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me

Oh, Teenagers scare
The living shit out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me

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September 8, 2007 - Saturday

Saturday, Sept. 8

It's a nice morning, a little on the cool side. Summer, unfortunately, is almost at an end.

I hate the winter months and am not looking forward to another one.

I'm off to the shop in a little bit. Kevin has gone out to get stuff to make some breakfast and he's got some work to do. I hope it's not busy today as Mike is leaving around 11 and I think I'm the only one that's going to be there at that point. Don't know. Now that I know how to fill tanks and all, it's not a big deal.

I got a new reg set that I doubt I'll even be able to dive this weekend because of time conflicts but we'll see. Maybe we'll do a dive later in the evening or tomorrow while Mike is there at the shop and if it's not busy. I'd like to see how the regs do.

Other than that, it's going to be a nice relaxing weekend. That's a good thing. :)

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September 7, 2007 - Friday

randomnality

today was eventful.

the only thing i'm going to talk about though is a revelation i've had about my current job.

it's weird because it doesn't FEEL like a job in many aspects. it's a cross between going to school and being at some odd social event.

with jokes like geek jokes that crack me up. example. a worm was going through a network and someone started passing out sealed envelopes with a big ".zip" on the front. when you held it up to the light you could see there was a gummy "worm" in each envelope.

it's different. it hasn't become a real job for me yet. i'm sure that one day it will but at this point, when I'm learning so much and everything is still wonderful and new and shiny, i'm loving it. i love when i get to learn new things.

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September 6, 2007 - Thursday

getting in a nice groove

Things are going much more smoothly at this point. (I say this and wonder which shoe will drop today. Yeah. I tend to be overly cynical.)

I'm beginning to feel more comfortable with my new job, definitely still like the majority of the people. So that's a great thing.

Still miss my TDR people though. That's a given. I don't think we have a Tracey here or a Misty or a Suzanne or a Maria.

Erica is loving her school and is settling in although last night she wasn't feeling well and had a stomachache which of course, being the drama queen, turned it into an issue of such high magnitude you would have thought she was being disembowled. Oy vey.

She still wasn't feeling up to par this morning when I dropped her off but she was willing to give it a go and see how it went. I sort of expect her teacher to call me but maybe once she settles in, she'll feel better.

She is not taking the relationship between her Dad and his new girlfriend well AT ALL. Not even a LITTLE bit okay with it. I think that a lot of the behavior issues lately have been because of that and I'd like Stuart to get his crap together and help out with it and work with her and for Stephanie to do the same instead of Stuart asking me to "talk to her". I can talk all day long but it's going to come down to how they handle it and they need to do something quickly. Not sure what because I'm not around to see and hear but there's definitely a problem and it's up to him to fix it. Not me.

Missing Mikey and Alix. Haven't heard much from either of them lately. With Alix it's because she just started school. With Mikey though, I don't know. NOT hearing from him makes me worry about what he's dealing with at the moment. Radio silence is not a good sign from that quarter.

My Mother mentioned that she may be coming up to visit us this weekend. I'll have to leave the dive shop early on both Sat. and Sun. if this is the case which is not the best case scenario but D. is out of town until next Tuesday and I'm not sure who is covering the shop w/me this weekend. Waiting to hear back from big Mike. (he's worked there for 4 years or so for D.)

Healthwise, I feel better. I've been walking each evening after work and it makes a huge difference in how I feel. Mentally and physically.

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September 3, 2007 - Monday

hmmm.

It's been a relatively relaxing day.

I didn't have to work at work. I didn't have to work at the dive shop.

I did have to drive down to Dunn to pick up some dive equipment that was owed to me. I finally own something substantial in dive gear!!! It's cost is $600 retail so a tradeout in some graphics was well worth the time and effort expended.

It's a ScubaPro MK/25 First Stage which I love and the second stage is a ScubaPro G250HP.

Thanks to Kevin's generosity, he had another reg set and a bunch of hoses that he took apart and set me up with a complete reg set including a console with pressure guage, depth guage and compass. Yay!!! No more using rental stock. I have my own reg set.

He kept Erica today while I was out and about doing the errands which included stopping at Stuart's and getting Erica's bike and a few other things.

So now we're grilling out and hanging out and it's so very nice. A most excellent way to end the weekend and begin the whirlwind that is our normal week.

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September 2, 2007 - Sunday

Lift bag operation

Did a little diving yesterday that involved the use of 4 1000 lb. lift bags (you fill those with air to move things around in the water), 2 scooters, one large former platform that was above water but the owners of the quarry wanted sank at 30'-ish feet, me, Kevin and one other dude who offered to help.

It went off perfectly. We lifted it up out the water and scootered it across the quarry and dropped it down just like clockwork. I love doing stuff like that with Kevin. Especially since he's always so complimentary of me afterwards of how well I'm doing learning these types of things. I really, really need to update my dive logs and my dive blog. I love work dives. :)

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August 30, 2007 - Thursday

Tired!

I have been so damn tired lately. No down time. Especially on weekends since I'm still out at the dive shop. That's going to have to ease up soon because I'm reaching burnout status on it. Rapidly. I dread and look forward to the weekends at the same time and that is exhausting as well.

I really, really miss working out during the day. I think that's the only thing that still bothers me about moving and all. BUT I might have an option available in Morrisville. I'm going to see how much money I have after I get paid to see if I can do a little monthly membership to a place that's only about 6 miles away from work. I'm going to drive it and find it first to see if it's even a valid option but my other fitness clubs just arent' close enough for me to utilize during the day. And working out midmorning, early afternoon really gives me a much needed energy punch. I'm getting foggy and crinkly feeling because I haven't been working out and doing my walking like I'm supposed to.

So, with that and the fibro, I just feel sort of drained and tired and hurting all the time now. Which sucks and is def. not going to work.

Tomorrow I'll do a recon on the little rec place I'm looking at.

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August 28, 2007 - Tuesday

unease

still waiting for things to shake down into a semblance of "normal". Or what is going to be our normal.

last night with Erica was .... difficult when it came time for actual bed time.

i don't know. i'm having an off kilter day maybe. I hope that's what it is.

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August 27, 2007 - Monday

troembone

things are good. Kevin went with me to drop Erica off for her first day of school. (Have I mentioned how much I love that guy????) and that's really all I've thought about today is that she's in a new school and all. I've been busy doing some documentation and all but it's buzzing in the back of my brain.

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August 24, 2007 - Friday

weekend

so tomorrow it'll be flea market in raleigh and then bday party in dunn. and then back up to the big city. dive shop on sunday.

i'm already tired but looking forward to having some face time with Kevin. and then Erica starts school on MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3rd grade!!!

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August 22, 2007 - Wednesday

quiet

it's been a quietly busy day for once. instead of just outright FRENETIC. part of the reason is that my sup. is out of town and this office has a LOT of traffic in and out when he's here. so now, it's just me. and it's very, very quiet.

Tomorrow I get some free time! and get to leave at about 1PM to head down to the hinterlands to get my kid. I can't wait. I haven't seen her since the Friday I moved up here and I miss her SO DAMN much that I can't believe it. I enjoy the freetime I have when I have it when Stuart has her but I am NOT used to being without her for this long and it's too quiet and I miss her. I'm ready for my Foo to get back and start aggravating me again. :)

It's Wednesday and I'm ready for the weekend. We've got plans for most of Saturday that should be very enjoyable and DIFFERENT because it won't involve the dive shop. pshew. love it up there but it's to the point where I'm needing a break from it. When Erica starts back school I'm going ot have to change the schedule I'm there on Sundays anyhow. Need to talk to D. about that. Keep forgetting to do so.

Lots of stuff getting ready to roll out in the next week so I better get busy!!!

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September 15, 2007 - Saturday

Saturday afternoon

After being spoiled by Kevin yesterday evening (spoiling which included Godiva Chocolate Truffles) and this morning, breakfast in BED!

I am feeling slightly more like a princess.

I'm at the shop and it's rather quiet right now....not very warm out and very breezy. I will miss summer. I hope this winter will be easier than last winter.

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September 14, 2007 - Friday

It’s Friday

I'm still a little sad. Kevin nailed it on the head that I'm lonely. I've got no support system up here yet and I don't really see Kevin very much at all.

It sucks.

So yeah. A lot of it is that I'm feeling isolated.

I don't know. It's just been a very rough week. I've already told D. at the dive shop that I'm only working from noon to 6 on Saturday and from 8 to noon on sunday this weekend. I'm also taking all of next weekend off.

I'm burned out and tired all the time and I need to regroup a bit.

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September 13, 2007 - Thursday

Missing

I miss my Tracey and Misty and Suzanne and all of my favorite people at TDR. So much.

There is nobody to replace y'all anywhere.

I miss Amanda. And don't know WHEN I'll get to see her again. Hopefully, not another 4 years. That's ridiculous!!!

I miss my kids. Alix and Mikey.

Things are good at work but at the same time, sort of difficult. And, I am very emotional right now because of some of the stuff that Mikey's been doing and I'm a bit of a mess. So, bear with me.

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...

It's been a rollercoaster ride the past few days.

I'm not doing well but I'll be okay. Just going to radio silence for a bit.

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September 12, 2007 - Wednesday

Wed. AM

I usually drop Erica off at her before school care thing at 7AM sharp. I'm then on 540 heading to work within 5 minutes after that. Normally, there is very little traffic at that time. but this morning, it was starting to get very congested, very early. I wonder what's up with that?

Anyway. This morning is a coffee morning. I normally don't drink it anymore but I am T.I.R.E.D. and even that's not going to be enough I don't think.

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September 11, 2007 - Tuesday

This Day

I know what today is.

I've known what this day has been for a long time now.

I have still not recovered from what happened to the world and to my meaning of life on this day in 2001.

I still can not and will not watch movies, shows, documentaries, or personal accounts of what happened on this day.

I am still in mourning.

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Not a good tuesday.
Current mood: pissed off

I came into work this morning to a very, very, VERY DEAD HARD DRIVE.

With a month's worth of work that is unrecoverable on it.

Insert all the swear words in the English, Spanish and German language at this point in time.

I am not a happy camper today.

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September 10, 2007 - Monday

Good Monday Morning

Today started out lovely.

No. Seriously. For once I'm not being a smartass.

Got moving, packed Erica's lunch, dropped her off at school and headed into work.

Have a chance to see Kevin around lunchtime. Always good. So. Maybe it'll be a NICE monday for once. Or even if it goes to hell in a handbasket, at least the first part was nice.

Hope everyone has a great day!

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September 9, 2007 - Sunday

crossing fingers and toes

there is an event occuring tomorrow that I would really, really, really, really like to see happen in a positive way.

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Sun. Sept. 9

At the shop. Pretty quiet. Only a few rentals. When the big C. gets here, I'm out of here for the day. Mike left early yesterday (11) and I was here alone until about 6. So, today, I leave early. I have some stuff to do. Kevin has a job that he's got to be at so I'll probably either go work out before I have to pick Erica up or something. Do the errands and pay the bills that i needed to pay. Need to try to call Stuart now so I can find out when and where the exchange will occur.

Ugh. It's SUNDAY already. Which means tomorrow is back to work.

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September 22, 2007 - Saturday

rattle around

so i guess with kevin doing some work this weekend, i'm going rattle around and do some stuff on my own.

if i can get to feeling a bit better. was at home sick from work yesterday.

still feel pretty wobbly this morning. i went to bed last night at 11pm and just dragged myself out of bed. i did wake up at 8:18 but decided to go back to sleep. and now, i probably could have fallen back asleep again but made myself get up. i hate sleeping the day away like that but on the bright side!!!! At least there is less day to worry about what to do. :)

I think I'm going to go lay back down...

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September 20, 2007 - Thursday

change

If you are so afraid of change, then change is what you must seek.

You can't be so enamoured of your current state that you refuse to grow just because you admire what you are now and are afraid to lose what you currently have.

Change is difficult and painful at times.

Sometimes, if it hurts, it can be good. Sometimes. Where do you think the phrase "growing pains" orginated from?

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September 19, 2007 - Wednesday

Allergies & Hair

God. Allergies SUCK!!!!!!

The pollen is so freaking bad out here right now. I'm about to die. I forget about this part of fall and it's always such a shock to feel so bad.

Part two: if you live in the Raleigh area and need a hair person? Charles at haircolorexperts in Cameron Village IS THE BEST EVER. Awesome. He is extraordinary at color. Can't recommend him highly enough and I am very, very picky about that.

So.

Hair good. Went and worked out prior. Kevin watched Erica while I was out (thank you! *smooch*).

Dinner. Check. Laundry. Check. Any web work? nope, thank God. Check.

Next up? BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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answers to a survey

1. Who's 1 on your top 8, and where are they?

Kevin. He is currently in an orientation meeting of some sort.

2. What is your favorite possession?
Big item: my jeep liberty
Little item: my iPod Nano!

3. Do you own a gun?
No but have access to lots of them.....

4. If you could tell your last ex something what would you say?
Always tell the truth. No matter what.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
No.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Ewww. I'll eat them but try not to think of them. They're kind of gross.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
I'm unsure but I think the Merry Christmas from The Family is in my top faves of "not serious" songs. Actual songs of christmas and the faith? Probably O, Holy Night.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Diet Coke

9. Can you do push ups?
Depends on how many.

10. Is your bathroom clean?
Define "clean".

11. What is your Favorite Piece of Jewelry?
I don't have a favorite piece.

12. Do you take painkillers?
Over the counter ibuprofen, others when prescribed, as needed

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
Define A.D.D.

15. What's your name?
Reenee

16. Middle Name?
Ann

17. Name three thoughts at this exact moment.
*censored*
*censored*
is it 5 pm yet?

18. Name 3 things you bought this past week?
Gas, grape tomatoes (oh my God, love these things), beer

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Diet Coke
Water
Vodka Sour

22. Current worry?
Money. Kids. Work.

23. Current Hate?
Sharing a bathroom with a bunch of females that I'm not related to. I HATE PUBLIC BATHROOMS!!!!

24. Favorite place to be?
With Kevin. Usually doesn't matter location.

25. How did you bring in the new year?
In misery. Not well. This year will hopefully be better than last.

26. Where would you like to go?
Right now? Home. Long term: somewhere not in NC.

27. Do you own slippers?
Yes indeed!!!! Hand made knitted slippers courtesy of Amanda!!!! :)

28. What shirt are you wearing?
A navy blue sweater-ish shirt that has 5 buttons down the front and it's a vneck. It's comfy. I should have bought the other colors.

30. Favorite color(s)?
Green. Browns. Black.

31. Would you be a pirate?
Mmmmm. I don't think so. They are so disorganized and unruly.

32. White Sox or Cubbies?
F'in sports. Hate pro sports.

33. Do you sing in the shower?
Sometimes. I only sing out loud if I'm in a good mood unless I'm in a vehicle. Then, if I'm alone, I sing all the time. FUN!

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Something that I couldn't see. That's what made it worse. You couldn't actually PICTURE anything, it was just this FEAR.

35. What's in your pockets right now?
.65 cents.

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
None! I used to get into trouble for taking apart the bed. :)

38. Worst injury/injuries you've ever had?
self injury? Nothing major. I guess when I fell when I was about 5 and split open my wrist on a glass jar.

43. skippin a few?

rocks? that'd be great. haven't done that in a few years.

44. Do you wish on stars?

No. Why bother?

45. What is your favorite book?

The Stand - Stephen King

46. What is your favorite candy?
Chocolate!!!!
Tamales
Junior Mints

47. What song will/did you want played at your wedding?
none.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
amazing grace but I dont' actually want a funeral. thanks.

49. What were you doing @ 12 AM last night?
I think I was sleeping......

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
*censored*

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two reasons

There are so many reasons I love him.

Reason number 874: "You are the most normal person I know."

After all the people who have told me how screwed up I am over the years, how can you not love someone that tells you this? He said that it's the truly crazy people that think they're okay. And he's right.

Reason number 875: Him, Erica, and a dictionary and laughter in learning.

He is a true partner in helping me raise my last child. Which is exactly what I wanted and neeeded.

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September 18, 2007 - Tuesday

not enough caffeine....

my cat and my dog have now gone on little "walkabouts".

Anyone one want one fat orange cat with an attitude and an orange dog that doesn't come back when called?

ARGH!!

They both showed up the next morning acting like it was no big deal. Pets are worse than children sometimes.

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September 17, 2007 - Monday

things are as they should be

things are as they should be. things happen for reasons. dogs come home in the morning. life is life.

and i'm telling my life history to my boyfriend's mother. she probably will have quite a different picture of me after that fact.

i wonder if it will change from what it is now. it will but how? everyone's perception changes when they start gleaning little bits of information about you. even though they may try not to change, they still change.

....

erica didn't feel well and is with her G'ma until tomorrow after work. i'll drive down to pick her up from outer siberia later tomorrow evening. AFTER TRAFFIC. oy vey.

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weird.

i .... am having an unproductive day. this is not making me happy.

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September 16, 2007 - Sunday

wings and things

Went in last night after the shop closed to watch David and Kevin put the other wing on the plane. Viz was crap down there and then it turned dark and it was even worse. We were down almost an hour or so I think. They decided to call it a night and resume in the AM.

So, they are down there doing wing things and I'm working shop until about noon and then I'm outta here. They'll probably still be doing that but I'm not sticking around today. I'm tired and have a bunch of stuff to do like laundry and I'm going to skip down to the mall for a bit. Maybe. Unless the traffic and people piss me off and then I'll do something else.

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September 15, 2007 - Saturday

Entertainment Purposes

Watched "Crank" last night. It was pretty decent. Not great but Jason Statham makes a great action flick actor.

Next up in my Netflix queue: Alpha Dog. Also still in the second season Of House M.D. (disc 3 I think)

The next season of Nip/Tuck is up next after I finish this season of House.

Other movies in the queue:

Peaceful Warrior, Jet Li's Fearless, Glory Road, Perfume, John Q, Stranger Than Fiction, Donnie Brasco, and a bunch others. I just need more hours in the day to watch everything now!

AND Gray's Anatomy starts not next week but in just a few weeks and I think the new spin off starts Sept. 23. CAN'T wait for those!!!!

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October 8, 2007 - Monday

Learning Stuff

This weekend I went with Kevin to Greensboro to help him on a commercial electrical job.

I now know what things like 3 phase wiring and conduits and bending and shaping the conduit are and about pulling the wire and all sorts of little things like that. I used a saw-z-all, not well, but I used it. I also used a circular saw and hooked wire into an electrical outlet and yeah. It was great!

I get all weirded out sometimes by learning new things especially things of that nature because I HATE making mistakes but it went pretty well. We didn't get to finish the job because there ended up being more to it than originally planned and we ran out of materials and couldn't pick up what we needed from Lowe's and Home Depot so we headed back on Sunday afternoon. I was sort of bummed out about that.

If I didn't HAVE to have insurance........

Ah well.

I'm also a lot distressed about Erica.

Kevin and I work with her all week, to get her back in a "learning" frame of mind. And healthy and off sugar and off the television habits and focused on what she's supposed to be focused on and then she leaves for Friday night and Saturday night and Stuart brings back a completely different child.

It's difficult to explain the difference......but it's MARKED. HUGELY. It's depressing and disheartening and I don't know what the answer is.....I have two options and I don't really like either of them.

Being a parent really, really sucks sometimes.

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October 5, 2007 - Friday

wants: the possible and the impossible

I wrote this first thing this morning. Funny after the way the day turned out.

I want one entire week with perfect weather so I can go camping in New Mexico and Arizona. I want to camp in the Grand Canyon. Or the mountains. I need some wide open spaces with no people in the space except the one I choose to go with me.

I want everyone to be easy to get along with and to deal with.

I want everyone to act like an adult.

I want people to forgive and move forward.

I want imperfections in those that I love.

I want less arrogance and more cooperation.

I want to have more hours in the day....not a lot but a few more would help a lot.

I want to have no responsibilities but myself for longer than just 1.5 days.

I want more restful sleep when I am able to sleep.

I want a perfect Irish Creme Truffle.

I want a rainy afternoon to curl up on the sofa or lay out on the bed and read an exceptionally good book.

I want my brother and his wife and my nephew to come to North Carolina for a visit.

I want to drive a fast sports car, with a manual transmission, down the road at 100 mph without worrying about crashing and dying.

I want to work because I love the work. Not because I have to pay the bills.

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October 3, 2007 - Wednesday

random

When I went to Dunn on Monday for my Dr. appt., I met up with Tracey afterwards at the McDonald's. It's been almost 2 months since I've seen her and that's just unacceptable.

Funny thing is, we go in, get ready to sit down and as I'm going toward the booth, who do I see?

Mitchell. I almost fell out! I think he was about as floored as I was. It was good to see him. I got a hug and talked to him just a second and then got out of his hair since he was there with a friend. And then I got to see Zach and Misty and all the people at the TDR before I left Dunn to come back home.

I miss all my friends there but the atmosphere and work environment are the same, if not worse, then when I left and I DO NOT miss that.

This company may not be the most perfect company in the world but I really like who I work for and I don't have to answer to anyone but him and the pay is great and the benefits are pretty damn good too.

So, I'm still pretty stoked about all that.

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Public School System

It's been an interesting week in regards to Erica and her homework.

I know that the school system she was in was not perfect BUT what she's in now?

I have no idea how this county received any kind of high rating because if the teacher she has now is an example, Wake County Public School System is well on it's way to hell in a handbasket.

Example 1.

Her spelling words brought home on Monday evening consisted of words like belay, rappel, anchor ropes, and trekked, which she had to use in sentences. I don't know what your 8-9 year old is like but the majority of them are NOT going to know what the hell "belay" is or how to use it in a sentence unless their parents are rock climbers.

So we (me and Kevin) took turns talking to her about how to do this and that, pulled up some youtube videos of people rappeling to show her what in the hell it's talking about and she managed to get it all and understand it.

Then last night? She brings home the worksheet with a short story USING THE WORDS. The teacher had forgotten to include said story sheet in with her stuff on Monday night.

Example 2.

Have you ever heard of learning to subtract and add by using the "Touch Dot" math system?

When she explained to me what exactly that was, my head almost imploded.

They put dots on the actual number in the problem and according to how the dots look (solid vs. a halo dot), that's how she solves the problem.

They aren't teaching her MATH. They are dumbing down the entire process to shortcuts and stand-ins for actual learning and teaching.

So Kevin spent, literally, almost 3 HOURS working with her on math problems.

Example 3

The teacher corrects her homework and leaves spelling errors in and puts a read OK up above the misspelled word.

!!!!!

WTF? over?

I just can't believe what I'm seeing and hearing. I am not impressed at all by this elementary school.

I hope it's just an "off" teacher and not indicitive of the whole school system because if it is, that is just whacked.

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October 1, 2007 - Monday

Brothers & Sisters (Television Family And Why I Like Them)

I've loved this televsion show since I first watched the initial episode.

I couldn't explain it to someone though, exactly, WHY, it just resonated so deeply in ways that I couldn't explain.....

I mean, it is a television show about a family that's got some money but the people that make up this family are so real and flawed that I can't help but love each individual character. They (the television family) are perfectly imperfect. And it's a family that reminds me a lot of mine.

We drive each other crazy and are very and vastly different from each other but I can't imagaine my life without each of them in it and a part of it.

They make mistakes and they drive each other crazy but it's all good. Family can be so aggravating that sometimes you forget how good you have it when you DO have pretty good family members.

As much as my Mother drives me up the wall, as vast as the differences are between me and my sister, the distances (physical) between me and my brother: I wouldn't trade any of them or lock them out of my life for anything.

Most of the time.

JOKE!!

Family is forever. Good and bad.

I can be such the pollyanna sometimes.

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Welcome To October

Summer is really over. Fall is well and truly here. It's October.

Yesterday was one of the perfect fall days, warm, sunny, a bit breezy. Did I mention warm? It was.

We went diving out at Wendell Quarry and had the place to ourselves. That's where my new default pic was taken. After the dive. I still had on some fleece bottoms, warming up from the water.

The dive itself, for me, wasn't great.

I am having some serious issues with sinuses and every 2-3 feet in depth change, i have to go so slow to accomodate the forehead splitting pain....it was impossible to deal with. Something is definitely not right and I was only able to get down to 40' and when Kevin disappeared further into the water, I lost sight of him and said, "screw it." and surfaced. I was very frustrated. I cleared my nose and my ears and did everything I could to get that pain to stop (including moving my mask around on my face, opening my hood, making sure I didn't have any kind of squeeze going on basically). I also didn't have enough weight. 8 lb. is not enough when diving a new place. 8 lb. is fine for FLSP. I've got no problems with that but I think I would have been in much better shape, at least weight-wise, with 14 lb.

I know I don' thave a sinus infection and I just think it's because my fall allergies are so bad right now but I'm going to an Ear, Nose, Throat doc soon just to make sure that's all it is.

I have to leave early today and head to my Dr. in Dunn, too. So, today shouldn't be too long and drawn out. I hope.

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September 30, 2007 - Sunday

This past weekend

Oh, it's been a great weekend.

I didn't work at the scuba shop again and Kevin and I had stuff to do together and it's just been a damn fine weekend.

Many things occured that don't normally: relaxing. shopping together (clothes for him, he's got great taste in dress clothes), diving (in a different place!!!!!!!), cooking, eating out. Oh and margaritas!!!!

Again, one of the BEST WEEKENDS I've had in months and months.

*sigh*

sometimes, life is so good that I don't recognize it.

I need more weekends like this.

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September 26, 2007 - Wednesday

sledgehammer

this week has really sucked in a lot of ways and on top of it all? I still feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer. I am still sick and honestly, I'm barely maintaining right now.

Not good.

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September 24, 2007 - Monday

well. that’s nice.

I had to drive down to pick Erica up again, she was at her Grandmother's...school had a teacher work day and so I headed out, feeling like crap but on the way.

There was some kind of gigantor wreck on the ramp off of 440 to get TO 40 to get TO Erica and I was screwed but Kevin found a way around it and it took an extra 30 minutes on top of the hour trip one way but FUCK it. Right?

It's all just a fucking thing.

So, I get down there to pick her up finally and it's all good. Even better: my guts been burning up something crazy lately and it's not just a stomach virus....it's a FUCKING ulcer. I tasted blood earlier today, it comes and goes in waves, i'm still hungry but everything hurts so much. It's almost as bad as the gallbladder stuff.

I was smart enough to test the theory out and asked Erica's G'Ma if she had any Maalox or Pepcid or something and she had the good old Maalox and I chugged some of that down and lo and behold I actually started to feel some relief after being in a certain constant level of pain in my gut for the past 4 days or so.

Great. My insurance at work doesn't kick in until Oct. 1. So I have to make it until then. I can see that a bottle of Maalox is going to be my constant companion. Anyone else have any good ideas?

In the meantime, I get Erica, we're driving back and she tells me that her Daddy checked her throat and that it still has white spots on it.

I don't think I need to tell anyone who knows me that my head exploded all over the inside of my Jeep. I asked her why didn't they call me to let me know and she had no good answer about that. So, I called Stuart and blissed his ass out because how do you not communicate that kind of thing as a parent????? Then he made it ever so much better by trying to blame ME MOVING TO RALEIGH because at least if I were down there she could be staying with his Mom and Dad

THAT DOESN"T HELP THE FACT THAT HE KNEW SHE WAS SICK AND NEVER BOTHERED TO TOUCH BASE WITH ME AGAIN. EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW I TOOK HER TO THE DR. THE OTHER WEEK OUT OF MY OWN POCKET.

He doesn't get that I am beyond pissed that there were no further communication like, 'hey Renee. I checked her throat and it's still got white spots on it. Ya think maybe we ought to look into that????

Nope. I get the bat to the side of the head with Erica telling that Daddy checked and he knew.

Then, I get home and I'm pretty upset but everyone was busy.

So. Yeah. Business as usual for me. I'll just take myself on over here so as not to interrupt anything important.

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September 23, 2007 - Sunday

Sunday

I had taken the entire weekend off for the first time since, like, January. I have worked both Saturday and Sundays at the dive shop for a long time now.

I ended up actually going home sick on Friday, felt so bad all of Friday, most all of Saturday and the evening and only felt sort of okay this morning.

typical.

I went out this morning though to help Kevin rip out a big whirlpool type of bathtub and knock wood out (managed to only injure myself ONE time but it was a doozy) and then we headed out to the gun range to shoot some guns.

I only did the 9mm and the Savage 110 today because I hurt the hell out of my left palm near the base of the index finger (don't even ask but it involves a huge bruise and a blood blister...I'm good). So anything with serious recoil wasn't happening today.

We did that for awhile and then headed back home and stopped for some dinner before hitting the house. Now, he's sacked out and I'm sort of zoned, doing laundry and feeling not quite up to par still. I should have taken a nap too.

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October 25, 2007 - Thursday

so.

how is everyone doing?

things are crazy busy as always.

but they are a good crazy.

sort of.

work is just stressful crazy.

life is just being a process right now....I'm going to have a break from it all this weekend though!

Camping out and diving in Yancyville. :)

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October 21, 2007 - Sunday

Problems. Solutions. Communication.

In each day, we are presented with problems.

Some problems aren't going to be fixed overnight.

And if there is a solution, are you part of it or not?

Stop talking. Start listening. Believe. Dedicate. Continue.

Or you become part of the problem.

Every day, we make a choice to be part of a problem or part of a solution.

It's so damn easy AFTER the fact to see mistakes. To lay blame. Your heart leads your head. Don't let your head lead your heart or you will end up lonely, miserable and truely alone.

....I think I've OD'd on John C. Maxwell. (wikipedia him!).

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October 20, 2007 - Saturday

Friday night was not a great time to be me

I had my first really true hangover today in years. A bad night, BAD night, lots of tequila and I was dry heaving at 4 AM. And also crying for 3 hours? I needed an ice pack this morning. I looked like death warmed over. Fuck.

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October 19, 2007 - Friday

Best for me?

Per House M.D.:

House: You on the other hand, continue to act flabbergasted every time someone actually acts like a human being. Foreman did what he did because that worked out best that way for him. That's what everyone does.

Cameron: That's not the definition of being human. That's the definition of being an ass.

I happen to agree with Cameron. Go figure.

Same episode....

House: I don't care what they do as long as my life isn't interrupted by pointless conversations like this one.

Wilson: They won't trust each other and they won't trust you.

House: They shouldn't.

....

House: I could be the kindest, gentlest boss in the world and Foreman would still have done what he did because that's who he is. We can only hope that Cameron has learned something.....

Wilson: Right. 'Cuz you're all about the teaching.

House: Our children are the future.

Why do I do what I do?

Because I love Erica.

I looked at her tonight....and saw the little human that she is and all the potential that she holds for the future and my heart just breaks. She is still heartbroken that her Dad and i aren't together anymore. She is still heartbroken over the way Michael treated her. And there are so many more people in her life that will disappoint her...that won't be there for her...that will hurt her. That I can't do anything but WHAT I do. No matter how much it hurts me....no matter how inconvenient it can be...because I am the ONLY one that will love her unconditionally. That can make a vow and KEEP that vow, to always be there for her. In ways that my parents were never there for me.

When I looked at her...I felt all that in just a second or two and I hugged her so hard. And she just stood there and said to me, "I always wanted a squeezable hug from you."

And my heart just fucking broke all over again.

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well.

Kevin's off to DUI Days in Va. this weekend. I'm a bummed that I"m not going...I'd been planning on going for months but a lot of things fell apart with the dive shop I was affiliated with and I am not longer affilited with them anymore. So.

I've got a company picnic that while not mandatory to attend, has been "strongly" encouraged. Then I have my neice's birthday party after that.

Other than that, there is nothing written in stone.

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October 17, 2007 - Wednesday

don’t bother unless you like lyrics....

Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl in the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss in your first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final seconds you ever learned to me was love

We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness

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October 15, 2007 - Monday

who knew

Who Knew lyrics

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

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October 14, 2007 - Sunday

dive stuff

We did a dive yesterday and another today. Both at Wendell Quarry.

Dive on Saturday was about 30 minutes....froze my ASS off. Drysuit, 13 lb. Not enough weight.

Dive on Sunday was 30 minutes...was toasty warm, wore some hunting fleece of Kevin's as well as the 150 weight fleece, weight was 17 lb. Not enough weight. Oh yeah, used dry gloves for the first time. Didn't get cold at ALL. Great dive except for the weighting issue.

Back up to 20lb next dive if wearing both fleece and the two pairs of socks.

Work tomorrow. *sigh* Will miss being outside. Even when I'm cold, I'd still rather be outside.

Posted pics of the Saturday dive.

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October 10, 2007 - Wednesday

not ok

jabberjaw
comatose

not okay. not okay.

hurt feelings.

not okay.

and now the phrase has lost it's meaning because I've looked at it too long.

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October 9, 2007 - Tuesday

sometimes

Why must there always be so much drama before people can find workable solutions?????

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November 4, 2007 - Sunday

take it to heart

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

Daughters - John Mayer

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Weekend
Current mood: refreshed

It's been a very low key weekend.

Thankfully. We have just stayed in. It's early Sunday though.....not sure what we're doing today but we'll see!

Verrrrrry relaxing and much needed. :)

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November 2, 2007 - Friday

more thoughts

I want to ride in a hot air balloon.

I want to go camping for a week next spring out at the Grand Canyon. I want this more than anything in the world right now.

I want to paraglide.

I want to ride/drive a jetski. I have never done that before.

I want to kayak down a river.

I want to go diving in the ocean. I want to go to 120'. I'm ready now.

But I want to share these things with someone. I think my someone is more than willing to do everything I've listed so far. :)

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I want....I can....Possibilities

I want to find a beta this weekend. I need some company at my desk. I know exactly what I'm looking for, I just haven't met the fish yet but he'll be red and have fancy fans. I want a small bowl with either reddish crystal rocks in the bottom or clear ones.

I want to jump into a vat of eggnog and drink myself unconscious. MMMMMMM. Eggnog.

I want to go rock climbing or roller skating or start taking ballroom dancing lessons down the road at the Elk Lodge this Sunday. Or go to Umstead Park and explore the place further.

I want to stay close to home but be outside this weekend.

I want to buy a .22 rifle. I want to go to the gun range and shoot the Savage and some of the other stuff. (that really sounds like the most fun right at this moment in time.) I want to play hide and seek.

Life is beautiful.

Sometimes it's not actually doing the activity that makes me happy, it's KNOWING that I have so many options and loving each option...it's having the POSSIBILITIES of everything that makes me absolutely giddy.

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November 1, 2007 - Thursday

Goooooooooooooooood Morning

It sounds dorky....I know it does....but it's amazing that if YOU decide to be in a good mood....it actually works.

I visited TDR yesterday....I miss all my friends so much but the negative energy I felt as soon as I walked into the building was incredibly sad. A few individuals, two women, that hold the most power have the ability to make so many people hate where they have to work on a daily basis.

I didn't see ONE PERSON who looked happy with their job. Not one.

I don't ever want to be like that again because I was the same way when I worked there. It's just soul crushing.

This place may not be perfect, and I know it isn't, but I'm happy for right now. Just because I am and I WANT to be.

"There is no value in life except what you choose to place upon it and no happiness in any place except what you bring to it yourself." - Henry David Thoreau

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November 2, 2007 - Friday

Blanch
Category: Sports

We drove up to Yanceyville on Saturday afternoon. I was a bit nervous...as I always am when getting ready to dive at a new place.

There were a handful of people there when we arrived and there is only one entrance in and out for the place. The quarry is by the old prison (it's abandoned and empty now but the buildings are still in place...it's a little strange.) and is owned by the PDRA and you have to be a member of the PDRA in order to get the keys to get in and out. It's a pretty decent deal actually because where I learned to dive, it's privately owned and the owners charge $15 for each day you dive which can get pretty expensive and cost prohibitive, fast. The PDRA is cheaper and charges an annual membership and that's it. Like, $40 per year or something like that and you get access to three quarries. I think one is near Charlotte, one is near Salisbury and the other is up in Yanceyville, NC.

We unloaded our dive gear, geared up and jumped in.

Dive 1:

Afternoon...probably around 2-3PM

Went down to boats, back up around the corner, phone booth, DC3 nose cone.
Approx. 86' max depth
Dive time: 35 minutes

I dove with catfish!!! (check out the pics taken by Kevin)

Dive 2

After a surface interval of about an hour, back in with a new tank. Started out with 2500 psi, ended w/1200. I was completely blowing through air like a locomotive....nerves. We went to about 70' max depth on this one. Water temp was a balmy 51 degrees.

After that, we hung out and the Greensboro Scuba Club asked us to judge the results of their underwater pumpkin carving contest. Unexpected but way fun!!! :)

The pirate pumpkin won first place, the sideways view of an alien face won second and the octopus won third. Traditional pumpkin placed fouth.

Then I took a bit of a hike by myself around one side of the quarry which was needed....there were a lot of people there and after two dives, I didn't have enough energy left to be very social.

Everyone left, we set up camp, heated up our dinner (we took homemade chili - Kevin's version which is SO GOOD and some homemade quiche which we ate the next day. Good stuff.) and settled in for the night.

I DID buy an air mattress because while I had no problem camping outdoors, I am NOT sleeping on the cold, wet ground. And it was chilly that night. BRRRRR!!! Pretty cool though.

Next morning, woke up, cooked eggs with bacon. Then geared up for what ended up being the only dive of the day.

Dive 1 for 10/28/07

This was the best one. One of the people (i think she was an instructor there with a student) approached me while I was on the dock gearing up and asked me if I would help her decorate the quarry for Christmas.

Then she handed me an bear figurine with a christmas hat and some zip ties. I said, sure! She asked me where we would put it and I told her that our dive plan was to go to the shaft and hit the very bottom at 90'.

The Christmas Cheer thing is because of some stuff that Kevin and I were riffing on afterwards but anyway. That explains that.

Kevin stashed the bear and the ties in his drysuit thigh pocket and off we went.

We did a surface swim to the 90' marker and down we went.

I FINALLY FINALLY dove to 90'. And it was wonderful. The viz was still so great that we could see about 4' and at 90' in a quarry, down in a shaft that was drilled into the rock? That's pretty decent.

I got the figurine out and the zip ties, passed them over to Kevin and he attached the little bear to the rope at the platform. He retrieved a small rock from the bottom and handed it to me (it was my milestone rock :) and back up the line we went. Very cool.

Oh and we also saw freshwater jellyfish! They do not sting and they are only about the size of a quarter. Teeny tiny little creatures.

All in all, very much fun! AND no sinus pain on descending. My allergies have been giving me a fit about going below 30' without a lot of facial pain. Thankfully, it's not doing it now.

Also? I finally broke down and purchased dive insurance. In case of a real emergency, I won't have to pay an ungodly amount to be choppered out and put into a hyperbaric chamber. That makes me a real diver. :)

All photos by Kevin Coleman (KC). This was taken at the highest point of the quarry. Isn't it absolutely stunning? I love being outdoors. LOVE IT.

I think this is one of the best photos. I have always wanted a camera that could take night shots like this...I am totally jealous of Kevin and his smart little camera. I love this picture. Almost a full moon but not quite.

Catfish! Clear water! The visibility was incredible at this place. 20-30' viz in almost all areas. Wonderful.

The docks to enter the water.

Another cool angle shot of one of the docks.

Me, Saturday night. Freezing MY BUTT OFF!!!!!!! And tired.

Trees and Water. And Sunshine. What could possibly compare to that?

OOOH. Neat pic. I look like a mental patient on the loose.....

Are THEY NOT THE COOLEST THING EVER????

We got to dive with catfish. BIG catfish. Awesome.

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October 30, 2007 - Tuesday

one safe place

One Safe Place
Marc Cohn

How many roads you've traveled
How many dreams you've chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

Will you make a smoother landing
When you break your fall from grace
Into the arms of understanding
Looking for one safe place

Life is trial by fire
And love's the sweetest taste
And I pray it lifts us higher
To one safe place

How many roads we've traveled
How many dreams we've chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

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October 29, 2007 - Monday

rah. rah. rah.

Workwise, it has been an exceedingly difficult past week or two. For various reasons that I am not really going to go into detail about other than saying that having a kid in some industries with some companies is not a "convenient" thing for their workers to have. Also? I've always put in above what most jobs expect. While working at the paper, I put in way more than 50plus hours per week. But I was the only one in the department AND the manager. If I didn't do it, it didn't get done. But they didn't EXPECT me to work more than 50 plus hours every single week without fail. And? If Erica was sick or I needed to take some time off? It wasn't a huge hassle big deal.

Believe me. Just when you think you have it bad, it can always be worse. Really. The grass IS NOT greener on the other side although it might pay a bit more.

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October 28, 2007 - Sunday

TIRED.

I've been to 90' and left some Christmas Cheer behind.

I'll explain later. We just got back and I'm TIRED.

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October 27, 2007 - Saturday

off on an adventure

We're off to do some scenic driving, diving and camping. I am going to freeze my katuckus off tonight. :)

I'm sure we'll have lots of pics when we get back.

P.S. Congratulations to Misty and Shannon on the birth of their little girl!

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November 4, 2007 - Sunday

take it to heart

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

Daughters - John Mayer

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Weekend
Current mood: refreshed

It's been a very low key weekend.

Thankfully. We have just stayed in. It's early Sunday though.....not sure what we're doing today but we'll see!

Verrrrrry relaxing and much needed. :)

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November 2, 2007 - Friday

more thoughts

I want to ride in a hot air balloon.

I want to go camping for a week next spring out at the Grand Canyon. I want this more than anything in the world right now.

I want to paraglide.

I want to ride/drive a jetski. I have never done that before.

I want to kayak down a river.

I want to go diving in the ocean. I want to go to 120'. I'm ready now.

But I want to share these things with someone. I think my someone is more than willing to do everything I've listed so far. :)

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I want....I can....Possibilities

I want to jump into a vat of eggnog and drink myself unconscious. MMMMMMM. Eggnog.

I want to go rock climbing or roller skating or start taking ballroom dancing lessons down the road at the Elk Lodge this Sunday. Or go to Umstead Park and explore the place further.

I want to stay close to home but be outside this weekend.

Life is beautiful.

November 1, 2007 - Thursday

Goooooooooooooooood Morning

It sounds dorky....I know it does....but it's amazing that if YOU decide to be in a good mood....it actually works.

I didn't see ONE PERSON who looked happy with their job. Not one.

I don't ever want to be like that again because I was the same way when I worked there. It's just soul crushing.

This place may not be perfect, and I know it isn't, but I'm happy for right now. Just because I am and I WANT to be.

"There is no value in life except what you choose to place upon it and no happiness in any place except what you bring to it yourself." - Henry David Thoreau

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November 2, 2007 - Friday

Blanch
Category: Sports

We drove up to Yanceyville on Saturday afternoon. I was a bit nervous...as I always am when getting ready to dive at a new place.

We unloaded our dive gear, geared up and jumped in.

Dive 1:

Afternoon...probably around 2-3PM

Went down to boats, back up around the corner, phone booth, DC3 nose cone.
Approx. 86' max depth
Dive time: 35 minutes

I dove with catfish!!! (check out the pics taken by Kevin)

Dive 2

After that, we hung out and the Greensboro Scuba Club asked us to judge the results of their underwater pumpkin carving contest. Unexpected but way fun!!! :)

The pirate pumpkin won first place, the sideways view of an alien face won second and the octopus won third. Traditional pumpkin placed fouth.

Then I took a bit of a hike by myself around one side of the quarry which was needed....there were a lot of people there and after two dives, I didn't have enough energy left to be very social.

I DID buy an air mattress because while I had no problem camping outdoors, I am NOT sleeping on the cold, wet ground. And it was chilly that night. BRRRRR!!! Pretty cool though.

Next morning, woke up, cooked eggs with bacon. Then geared up for what ended up being the only dive of the day.

Dive 1 for 10/28/07

The Christmas Cheer thing is because of some stuff that Kevin and I were riffing on afterwards but anyway. That explains that.

Kevin stashed the bear and the ties in his drysuit thigh pocket and off we went.

We did a surface swim to the 90' marker and down we went.

Oh and we also saw freshwater jellyfish! They do not sting and they are only about the size of a quarter. Teeny tiny little creatures.

All in all, very much fun! AND no sinus pain on descending. My allergies have been giving me a fit about going below 30' without a lot of facial pain. Thankfully, it's not doing it now.

All photos by Kevin Coleman (KC). This was taken at the highest point of the quarry. Isn't it absolutely stunning? I love being outdoors. LOVE IT.

Catfish! Clear water! The visibility was incredible at this place. 20-30' viz in almost all areas. Wonderful.

The docks to enter the water.

Another cool angle shot of one of the docks.

Me, Saturday night. Freezing MY BUTT OFF!!!!!!! And tired.

Trees and Water. And Sunshine. What could possibly compare to that?

OOOH. Neat pic. I look like a mental patient on the loose.....

Are THEY NOT THE COOLEST THING EVER????

We got to dive with catfish. BIG catfish. Awesome.

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October 30, 2007 - Tuesday

one safe place

One Safe Place
Marc Cohn

How many roads you've traveled
How many dreams you've chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

Will you make a smoother landing
When you break your fall from grace
Into the arms of understanding
Looking for one safe place

Life is trial by fire
And love's the sweetest taste
And I pray it lifts us higher
To one safe place

How many roads we've traveled
How many dreams we've chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

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October 29, 2007 - Monday

rah. rah. rah.

Believe me. Just when you think you have it bad, it can always be worse. Really. The grass IS NOT greener on the other side although it might pay a bit more.

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October 28, 2007 - Sunday

TIRED.

I've been to 90' and left some Christmas Cheer behind.

I'll explain later. We just got back and I'm TIRED.

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October 27, 2007 - Saturday

off on an adventure

We're off to do some scenic driving, diving and camping. I am going to freeze my katuckus off tonight. :)

I'm sure we'll have lots of pics when we get back.

P.S. Congratulations to Misty and Shannon on the birth of their little girl!

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okey.

hard to type w/only 1 hand. sucks.

broke bones HURT a lot the first week. getting better tho.

today is Erica's 9th birthday. Birthday wishes also to AmandaPage today!!!

hope all had good holiday. we did. even though the drive home was long and tiring. too filled up w/turkey!!!!!!

on the way to Stuart's today where Erica's b-day party is to be held. more driving. erk.

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November 14, 2007 - Wednesday

Good Morning

i've been poking around stock trading sites. it's interesting.

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November 12, 2007 - Monday

tired of being sorry

I don't know why
You want to follow me tonight
When the rest of the world
With whom I've crossed and I've quarreled
Let's me down so
For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

Chandler and Van Nuys
With all the vampires and their brides
We're all bloodless and blind
And longing for a life
Beyond the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry
I'm standing in the street
Crying out for you
No one sees me
But the silver moon

So far away – so outer space
I've trashed myself – I've lost my way
I've got to get to you

"tired of being sorry" -ringside

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Monday wasn’t a great day.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

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November 10, 2007 - Saturday

brrrrrr

I would like:

an electric blanket
heated socks
heated mittens
furry, striped socks that are warm
heated seats in my jeep
to go to the tanning beds every day so i can get warm all the way to my bones.
winter to pass quickly this year please.

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November 9, 2007 - Friday

So. (also, an "ode to eggnog")

Sometimes the hardest thing to figure out about what I'm going to write about is the damn title. Crazy but there it is. So, every once in awhile, (okay, fine, a LOT), I just pick some arbitrary title.

But! I am enjoying one glass of eggnog right now and I am NOT going to march back into that kitchen and get ANYMORE when I'm finished. I am not. Not even though it's so creamy and sweet and the texture is just phenomenal. Mmm. Damn. Is there a 12 step program for Eggnog Addiction?

Oh man. I love this stuff so unbelievably much.

So. Some things have changed around here.....things are okay and everyone is happy and healthy and all but one thing has changed and I just don't want to talk about it rightt now.

And in this time, I turn to a few things that my mentor (even though he doesn't know it) writes about.

A few things jump out at me tonight while I'm thinking about the day's events....what they iwll mean in the upcoming days, weeks, months.

One of those things is something that I have seen on Zachary's page as well:

"Try not to become men of success. Rather, become men of VALUE." -Albert Einstein said that.

And success means absolutely nothing in the long run if there is no VALUE in what you have done.

And there are things that must be done because it is the right thing to do at that time in order for there to be value in the success.

goo'night foo.

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November 7, 2007 - Wednesday

repost

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is

that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our

darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be

brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not

to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the

world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within

us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our

own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do

the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence

automatically liberates others."

Elise.com: Marianne Williamson
http://www.elise.com/quotes/quotes/ourfear.htm

November 6, 2007 - Tuesday

what’s it to ya?

What and how would you apply and interpret this quote to your own life?

Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life's deepest joy: true fulfillment.

What do you do on a daily basis that is an absolute selfless contribution?

almost bed time

Went out to the gun range on Sunday and HAD A BLAST.

Hah. I kill me. HAH!!

Seriously though.

It was so much fun. I love going out there.

I posted some pics in a new album and also tried to upload a video but don't know if it uploaded correctly or not and my face is about to hit the keyboard.

Work was crazybuzy today but in a good way. Had teacher conference first thing at 6:45 AM so it has been a loooooooooooooooooooooooong day. With no eggnog. Damn it. I want some eggnog!!! :)

Good night everyone.

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December 24, 2007 - Monday

A greeting that shouldn’t piss anyone off...

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive,
gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the
most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular
practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion
and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally
fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally
accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of
choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America
great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country
nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . And without regard to the race,
creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the
wishes.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable
with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher
to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is
void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the
wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to
replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the
wisher.

-passed on to me by request from Amanda

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sigh

I am a little sad about my job.

The place and environment that was sold to me during the interview is mostly all in this one guy's head and is NOT in fact, reality.

This place offers no sick time, no Christmas bonus and since I started in August there will be no raise to look forward to either.

The people here aren't really very friendly, there are a few exceptions, but I think I just miss my friends here during the holidays.

This sucks and it's making me really sad this morning.

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December 19, 2007 - Wednesday

it’s the most wonderful time of the year...

"so this is christmas...and what have you done? Another year older and a new one just begun!!"

Erk. Christmas. Somehow this holiday has snuck up on me and walloped me over the head. I have to go out and brave the stores and the INSANE freaking traffic to get a certain 9 year old a few things.

I also need to drop by the library and pick up some of the stuff they have on hold for me, finish up my christmas cards, and do a jig.

(i lied about the last part: NO JIGGING!)

Off to do some acutal work!

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December 17, 2007 - Monday

finally

The cast is OFF!!!

I have to wear a removable splint for a few weeks and they don't want me to remain OFF the ice for at least two more weeks but it's healing nicely. Thank God!

I didn't mention that I plan on going roller skating this weekend if I can sweet talk a certain individual into a rollerskating rink... :) I'll wear my splint!

And I'm already planning on a New Year's Day Dive!!! I didn't get to do that last year as I am a big baby when it comes to cold water and I just had gotten certified and was not dry suit certified yet.

Not this year!!!!! I am going diving on January 1. It seems like FOREVER since I've been in the water. It'll be cold but worth it as visibility is usually very nice this time of year since there isn't any algae blooming.

We had a great weekend although with all the traffic Friday evening when I went to pick Erica up it didn't start out that way. An hour just to get one WAY. Usually it's an hour round trip. Ridiculous and stupid drivers. ARGH!!! But we went ice skating and Erica and Kevin worked on building Erica a picture frame (see the pictures I just uploaded) and we went to the Natural Science museum on Sunday.

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December 9, 2007 - Sunday

bustin at the seams

our christmas tree smells so good in the house. i love it.

for once, it was fun getting the tree and decorating it. for once, i am not completely dreading Christmas. sure, i don't have a lot of money right now, i never do around the holidays it seems, but i am content and happy and loved. and peaceful.

we still have our differences but we also have trust, communication and a willingness to figure things out, love and each other. that's the best gift ever.

December 5, 2007 - Wednesday

what day is it....

oh yes. wednesday. it's been busy at work and doing other web work and this perm. cast hurts like HELL and makes it difficult to type.

good news: i go back in 2 wks. to have it removed. possibly. instead of the 4 wks. becuz it's healing correctly and apparently very well.

the only reason i agreed to have it on at all is becuz i don't want to take the chance of rebreaking it becuz the dr. said it would crumble. that would be bad.

and did you know that ibuprofen can prohibit the healing process? i had no idea until i told the dr. that the pain pills she prescribed were making me sick so i was just taking ibuprofen instead.

huh. i take a LOT of it regardless of the break BECUZ of the fibromyalgia and have for years now. it helps too much w/that for me to stop taking it now. anyway.

oh yeah. i started going back to walking 3 miles each weekday. too much good eating and no working out as much as i used to has led to a bit too much weight gain. not a huge amount...just enough to make my clothes a bit too tight for my comfort. 5 lb. or so makes a huge difference when you actually wear clothes that fit.

and it's cold out!

work is bearable but whatever. it's what it is for now. frustrating but it could be worse!!! and not have a job!!!!!

December 2, 2007 - Sunday

lalalalalallaaaaaaaaaaa

Tomorrow i have to go back to the bone doctor. it's been 3 weeks now. It's better, a lot, but of course, i still have limited range and pain. sort of sucks. i'm not very patient at being immobile. i had a temporary cast on it that I left on for the first 2 weeks but I haven't worn it since Friday. it drives me crazy wearing it.

so. depending on how fast it's healed, well, they'll probably put a permanent cast on it tomorrow. blech. but it's still extremely tender and i don't want a cast but i don't want to fall or bang it or whatever other graceful moves I'm known for and rebreak it.

In other more interesting news.....

We took Erica ice skating again. She's still loving it. We usually stay for about 2 hours and since both she and Kevin have their own skates, it's only $11 to get in. That's pretty cheap entertainment. :)

And we got the Christmas Tree on Friday evening and spent the afternoon on Saturday decorating it. Kevin also took Erica out to the observation point at the airport and showed her the airplanes and she loved it. Lots of new experiences for her. That's a great thing to see her get so excited about different things instead of the same old grind and worries.

I'm so excited about the holidays this year. Last Christmas really sucked. And the Christmas before that wasn't very pretty either. It's two years since Stuart and I split up. Weird.

Things are so different now. All of it in a good way.

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December 1, 2007 - Saturday

interestingingly calm

Today's been a great day. Most days now are.

Kevin and I are long past the getting to know you stage, the "honeymoon" stage, past the settling stage and we're at the real part of the relationship. Totally in tune with each other but close enough that we are able to still communicate, still love each other and still want to be with each other for....well, forever.

It's calm and patient and there is trust. And respect. And no lying. and talking.

My inner heart is competely at peace with where I am. It's amazing.

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November 27, 2007 - Tuesday

fluff

my wrist is STILL BROKEN.

And lovely shades of yellow, purple, and green.

BUT i wanna go skating again. ready now.

i am amazed at the amount of people who are surprised when they ask if i'm going to go again and i say YES!!!!

what in the world????????

November 26, 2007 - Monday

must say....

thankfully, i broke my wrist AFTER i met Kevin. i wouldn't have been able to get thrrough the last week w/out him.

depending on someone for so much has been a lesson in trust and humility for someone who absolutely hates to ask for help.

love.

January 24, 2008 - Thursday

tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow....ah shoosh

I get to go to DUNN tomorrow! to see my friends! and have a dr. appt.!!! I am so excited.

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January 22, 2008 - Tuesday

cha-cha-cha-cha-changes

I quit my job last week.

First time I've ever quit a job without having a definite job lined up.

I had an interview at the next job I REALLY want yesterday and it went very well, I'm going back for another meeting on Wednesday.

Today, I'm off to another interview just a few miles away from where we live.

Kevin also started a new contract today.

So, I'm sort of rattling around and getting dressed and waiting for 11 AM.

But i also have a lunch that a former coworker wants to have later this afternoon. Since they didn't get to take me out for a "farewell" lunch. I will miss a few from Perimeter but for the most part, I don't ever want to have to work in an environment like that again. I was completely miserable. No matter how well they pay, if you don't enjoy what you do, you might as well just forget it. No amount of money is worth the misery.

Still have 1 small project for the new business to complete and one very large one. So, I'll go work out after lunch and then head back here to work on one of those.

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January 16, 2008 - Wednesday

what kind of guy?

A lot of you haven't had opportunity to meet Kevin so I wanted to take a second and just give you some of the key points that stand out for me all the time:

He's the kind of man who spent his evening hour sitting in my jeep waiting for me, after driving me there, to get out of an interview because
a.) he knew I was nervous
b.) i haven't been to Durham and didn't know where I was going
c.) he wanted to make sure the neighborhood wasn't a bad one (because Durham has some pretty bad ones) but mostly
d.) because he wanted to be able to spend some time with me.

He is the kind of guy that you might think is pretty serious but when it's just us in the house, we have more fun and laughs than I've ever had before. He doesn't take himself oh so seriously.

He is the kind of man that is secure in himself but not arrogant.

He is the kind of guy that tucks me into bed each night with a kiss and when he sees that my water glass is empty, takes it on himself to get me some more. I don't even have to ask. He looks out for other people's comfort and happiness.

He is the kind of man that you feel safe with no matter who is around or where you're at.

He is the kind of friend that you could call at 4AM, broke down on the highway, and he would get up and go get you.

He is the kind of guy that cooks me dinner even when he isn't hungry himself.

He lets me hold the remote controls AND pick the music.

We've been together almost 6 months and he hasn't gotten meaner or ill tempered. He hasn't done a Jekyll and Hyde change.

He is more loving, more giving, more intense than ever and my life with him is joyful and fun and full of love.

And best of all? He includes Erica in all of it. She is not a burden to him. Instead, he helps plan and executes some of the best times I've spent with my own daughter.

Kevin Coleman is really the best guy in the world. Thank God I found him.

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January 15, 2008 - Tuesday

no chopsticks?

Kevin and I ate out at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day and when he asked the waitress for chopsticks instead of a fork... she said, "sorry, out of chopsticks."

Shocking!

.....

Down the road from where I work, if you drive about 5 miles towards RTP, there is this little greek restaurant that's only open from 11-3 and they have the BEST food. It's not just wraps, gyros, etc. They make a divine chicken stuffed with spinach and a bunch of other things. Love that place.

I don't eat out very often but I will treat myself to lunch out there once a month or so.

Still don't hang out with anyone at work. It's sort of boring. There are a few people I really like but they have other stuff that they do during lunch breaks like go riding on a motorbike for one and the other eats lunch w/her boyfriend.

Most of the time I use my lunch hour to work out and then eat when I get back.

A day in the glamourous life of internet security.....

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January 14, 2008 - Monday

Guten Tag

Yes, it is Monday morning once again. They keep rolling around.....

Had a great weekend. There was much merriment, laughter, dancing (oh mymymy), singing, and that's just Sunday evening. :)

We do a lot of stuff but I think we all had the most fun this weekend just hanging out and doing various projects around the house. Took Erica on her first visit to a nail salon for some toe and finger painting. She bites her nails and I told her that if she didn't bite them for a week that I'd take her in and let her get her nails done. Now, the goal is to keep her from biting them so I'm bargaining a REAL full on manicure and pedicure if she stops completely.

I've got some pics that I'll post later too from some of the stuff we've been up to. :)

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January 13, 2008 - Sunday

Reflections

I've written about this date before. I used to keep a real online journal, not just a one-off blog where I throw out my bits here and there. The journal was a true representation of my feelings, my life and where I was at emotionally and mentally at all times.

September 11, 2001 happened and my entire life perspective changed in every way.

In diving, they teach the concept of having global awareness of where you are when you are in the water.

September 11 blasted me out of my tiny little world and the entire concept of global awareness smacked me full across the face. I've never been the same since that day. I grieved and I was angry and confused. I had been going to church but I stopped going after that. All my beliefs in my tiny little world were shattered and there were only pieces left. And I didn't know where to start picking up those pieces to put me back together.

I still can't watch the movies, documentaries or commentaries about that day. But in the past few years I've been trying to understand why I was so angry and after that time, it took awhile though, I learned to live in the moment.

My pieces are starting to come back together now. I had to live with great disappointments and monumentally emotional upheaval but I've always believed that I meet the right people, for whatever reason, at exactly the time when I need them....at a time when a change is going to happen and my brain does a 180 turn and goes in a better direction.

Meeting Kevin was that final piece for me. The right person at the right time for the right reasons.

There are a lot of amazingly good things happening for me, around me, internally because I was ready to be whole again.

I still have a lot of stuff that I keep working through. A lot of past hurts. But every day it gets easier to take those things and put them in my mental archive. Or as Kevin says, put them in this box that sits over THERE. You don't forget them but you learn from them and you don't let them hold you back.

Another piece came back into place today for me and that's a good thing.

Change is painful but when you go through the fires of change, sometimes you come out on the other side with a beautiful state of mind that reminds you of why you keep trying, why you keep growing and why you keep trying to become a better person.

So, as author Loretta LaRoche advises: Life is short, wear your party pants.

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January 9, 2008 - Wednesday

on this day...

Things are picking up dramatically in the new business that Kevin and I have launched. We're both completely excited and enthralled with it. This is way exciting! If it keeps going at this pace, I will be quitting my regular day job in the next few months and begin working fulltime at our own business.

I am so lucky to have found someone who has mad skillz, smarts, integrity, and an exceptional work ethic.

Everything else is super good too. (small pocket, big pocket).

It is good. Life is good. Love is good.

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January 4, 2008 - Friday

update time again

My wrist is getting better and better each day. I am now able to start back to my weights when I work out. I'm a member of Peak Fitness but there's a little recreation center near where I work and it's badge access only and it's small and convenient and I go there during my lunch. It saves my sanity.

But anyway. It's getting better and I can do weights now! Whoo! I am sore as hell today though, did a lot yesterday.

Today I have to go through an employee/employer evaluation. I've never done that before and I'm not really looking forward to it.

It just makes me that much more hungry to keep working on the business that Kevin and I started so I don't have to deal with this crap anymore.

And summer? warm weather? please hurry and come home soon!

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January 2, 2008 - Wednesday

What a Wonderful New Year!

I've never been one that liked New Year's Eve. After growing up in a bar and watching everyone get trashed, being married to people that really didn't care, I would just as soon not celebrate it at all.

Except that changed this year.

New Year's eve was one of the most romantic, fun, and happy holidays that I've ever had in my life. It was wonderful.

To make it even better, we woke up the next day and headed out to do the annual New Year's Day Dive at a local quarry. This was my very first New Year's Day Dive since I had just gotten certified at that time last year and was not drysuit certified.

My wrist only gave me a bit of a problem but Kevin of course, was there to help as he ALWAYS is. It's unbelievably great how much he cares for me and shows me in the day to day actions.

It was rather windy out but the sun was shining and we hadn't been able to get a dive in since the end of October during our trip to Blanch. It was perfect. Decent visibility, didn't get cold, navigated around the place perfectly...everything. Saw lots of people I know but didn't stop to chat with anyone. Although Dave did stop by after he was finished diving to say hello.

Oh and we did stop to talk to Doye and his family who invited us to sit and eat but we had other plans and just visited a bit.

Then we headed home for dinner out, cuddling, and playing on the computer.

Now that, my friends, is a perfect holiday. :)

2008 is going to be INCREDIBLE. I am looking forward to a new year, new days, instead of dreading it. What a difference time makes.

Happy New Year everyone!

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December 26, 2007 - Wednesday

guess what?

It's almost 2008!!!!!

Another year of diving and new experiences await!!! If 2008 is anything like the past few months have been, it's going to be a freaking AWESOME year!

My Christmas was different but very special. And the only holiday to deal with is one that I'm looking forward to and can't wait to celebrate it for ONCE in my life.
Oh and Alix will be 15 in just two days. She's getting WAY old. (notice i'm not the one getting old. ;)

I miss Veronica Mars.

I miss Buffy and Angel.

I MISS FIREFLY.

And thank God the Writer's Strike is over. I'm dying for some new Gray's Anatomy.

I'm watching the first season of Heros on DVD. I'm on disc 5 of the first season and while it's okay, I am not totally loving it.

My current most beloved show to watch right now? TLC's What Not To Wear. And I watch LA Ink when I've got nothing else to watch.

I watched the pilot episode for the Cashmere Mafia (with Lucy Liu in it) and I liked it okay but haven't had a chance to watch the rest of the episodes online at ABC.

I need some good TEE VEE to start happening.

February 12, 2008 - Tuesday

seeing some action

Tree action that is.

The redbuds are blooming up here in Raleigh. I wish it were a bit warmer but it's still WINTER and spring is still a glimmer on the horizon. It's been a COLD winter and I'm usually shivering all the way down to my bones. I'll be so glad when I can go outside and lay down on the green grass and just soak up the heat.

Random: I saw the video that Kid Rock has out for his new song "Amen". I'm not sure what I think about the song other than it's been done a few times before by better artists in a better way. Plus, he sort of ripped off a little bit of the INXS video in the middle where he's doing the "identify, rectify" thing. If you're going to redo a politically driven song, then at least get some originality to it. I was underimpressed.

FINALLY. Finally finished up a web project that's been working my nerves for two months now. Also, another smaller one finished and well underway on two more.

And I've been reading a lot more lately too which thrills me to death. So i can finally update my book log.

I've got a hellacious cold right now though so I am taking it easy today. I HATE being sick and feeling like crap. Stupid germs. Kevin gets sick or feels a bit under the weather but it's over in a microsecond. He's got the constitution of a freaking Iron Man.

He did a commercial dive job this past weekend and that was pretty cool to see. If I'd known the water tower was THAT big, I would have suited up and gone in with him but I didn't.

This weekend I think my Mom and my sister and her kids are coming up on Sunday and we're all going ice skating. This should be fun!

I also have some Suspect visits to look forward to in March! Nobody EVER comes to North Carolina from my board that I've been a member of forever so I am VERY VERY excited about that.

Life is good. (I've got the t-shirt, where's my sticker?)

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February 8, 2008 - Friday

Dive Shop

I really miss working in a dive shop.

I learned so much and met so many people and even though it was frustrating at times and was during a chaotic time of my life, it's what kept me afloat.

I miss pushing myself to learn and understand new physical challenges.

I miss Dave too.

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February 5, 2008 - Tuesday

Water

Raleigh and most, if not all, of North Carolina is in a state of severe drought conditions.

This does not affect people who have their own private wells (thankfully, we rent a house that does have well water) right at the moment but the people who are dependent upon the towns and cities for their water are screwed.

Right now they are counting the drought deficit to be just under 10". The city council just put what they are calling "Stage 2 Restrictions" to go into affect on February 15. I've been sort of listening to the stats for a few months now because of a few reasons.

Some of the restrictions are:

* require that leaks be repaired within 24 hours of notice from the city
* ban use of water-cooled air conditioners that do not recycle water
* order businesses to review their water usage and implement conservation plans appropriate for their industries
* require that innkeepers ask guests to use their towels and linens more than once before laundering
* prohibit restaurants from serving water, except by request
* ban all non-essential use of water for commercial or public use

Full story here: http://www.wral.com/news/local/story/2395771/

The first reason is that I used to work for a landscaping company and with ANY kind of water restrictions, again, if you don't have your own water supply, they are just out of luck. There are a lot of landscape companies that are going to lose their businesses as a result of these restrictions not to mention all the nurseries that depend on an outside water supply. I feel very bad for the industry as a whole because it's a battle they can't win because they can't control the rain or lack of it.

In the past years it's been a big thing to "go green" and do the native plantings and xeriscaping but I can see that this water shortage right now, is going to have a lot of landscapers really turning the corner and it becoming a necessity to stay in business. In the end, it will accomplish something really great but sometimes it's very hard to convince people to go in that direction and with the fear of losing their businesses...that just sucks. It would be great if people would do it for the right reasons instead of when their hands are forced and they have no other choice. BUT they work for the homeowners. And that's a whole 'nother ball of wax.

Homeowners that invest money in their landscapes and hire a professional landscaping company WANT a lush, green, gorgeous look year round and will go to great lengths to keep it that way including sneaking out after dark and running their irrigation, even when it's against the law and they can be hit with fines if they are caught.

Not only will this drought affect the landscapers and the nurseries but it's going to affect the recreational sector. Golf courses in particular but when water levels are super low, who wants to go out canoeing or kayaking? Unsightly stumps, stinky mud banks, and low water marks are not pretty to look at.

My second concern is tied into the first and that's because Stuart still works for a landscape company. I keep meaning to ask him if this has affected how they are working but I keep forgetting.

I really don't like rainy weather but we need some serious, serious rainfall to occur within the next few months because the Stage 3 restrictions are INSANE to have to consider.

So, everyone, get out there and do a rain dance for us North Carolinians.

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one thought on Tuesday...

I wonder what today will bring?

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February 4, 2008 - Monday

puttering away time

what do YOU do when you have a stack of work that's threatening to dump on you head?

Surf the damn web, that's what!!

BUT. I have a list for tomorrow and I am going to be knocking those items off one by one. Kevin is starting at a new job site and it'll be just me and my music and hopefully kicking the pants out of the list!.

Put me down as DETERMINED.

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MusicMusicMusicMusicMusicMusicMUUUUSSSSIIIIIc

Lots of new listens in current rotation!

I love my old favorites but get tired of listening to even those over and over. So, I'm on a major bender finding new stuff.

Some of the songs that made the final cut and didn't get deleted right off the bat:

Foundations - Kate Nash
The Pursuit - Evans Blue
The Edge of the Ocean - Ivy
Mr. Pitiful - Matt Costa

Some new great songs from current favorite artists:

Nolita Fairytale - Vanessa Carlton
More Than Wanted - Vanessa Carlton

Hands On Me - Vanessa Carlton (especially this one):

I first saw you at the video exchange
I know my heart and it will never change
This temp work would be alright if you'd call me
You'd call me
I lay awake at night for you
And I pray

We'd cross the deepest oceans
Cargo across the sea
And if you don't believe me
Just put your hands on me
And all the constellations
Shine down for us to see
And if you don't believe me
Just put your hands on me

The subway radiates with heat
We've barely met and still I cross the street to your door

Someday when our stories are told
They'll tell of a love like this
When our descendents are all growing old
1,000 years they'll be singing
Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah

We'll climb Tibetan mountains
Where we can barely breathe
I'll see the Dali Lama
I'll feel him blessing me
And all the constellations
Shine down for us to see
And if you don't believe me
Just put your hands on me
Your hands on me...

First saw you at the video exchange

(I'd change that first and last line to "First saw you at Fantasy Lake." :) )

No One - Alicia Keys

AND SHOCKINGLY!!! I love both of the songs by Buckcherry (of Crazybitch infamy): Without You and Sorry.

Without You
Talk to me tonight is everything alright help me understand you
You go out with your friends, talk to other men and our love life is a wasteland
And with the change a new test of faith to help us through tomorrow a condition of the love we made
Cause things won't change without you, forfeit the lies that maimed you I want to dance with the lions and change things but I can't do it without you
You told me I'm the one and now you're out of love in your eyes it's hard to find you
If we could take some time and cut out all the lies I'd find a heart more stable
[Pre-chorus]
So take it easy girl you're falling through the night, your Mona Lisa eyes will comfort me the rest of my life
[Chorus]
When love has hit your eyes I'll never say goodbye we stand alone tonight without you, without you

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February 2, 2008 - Saturday

one thought!

HEY! WINTER is almost over!!!! Can I get a who-ahhhhhhh here?

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January 30, 2008 - Wednesday

The Political Frenzy

I did NOT vote for George Bush the second time he managed to slide his smarmy way into office.

And ever since that election, I've been trying to stay away from politics because just seeing his stupid face makes me want to hurl large objects at the television. Which is a bad thing and also very frustrating.

So, I was seriously interested when finding out that Robo Clinton is running as is Barack Obama.

A woman and an African American.

Wow. And they are doing WELL. I am thrilled to death with the whole thing. However, if Mitt Romney becomes president, or any Republican really, I will cry. Large tears. I can't take another 4 years of this crap.

But it's very interesting watching Obama win states that were totally unexpected. I'd vote for him in a second.

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January 27, 2008 - Sunday

It’s a fabtastical sunday

I haven't really announced this officially but yeah:

Kevin asked me to marry him on New Year's Eve and I said YES.

I never thought that I would EVER want to be married again. Ever.

It was so incredibly romantic and wonderful and the timing was just perfect. It'll be this fall as it's not going to be just a trip to the Justice of the Peace....it's going to be done RIGHT.

*happy sighs*

I have a journal entry up in the real journal as well for those that have that url.

Ciao!

Gray Day

It's a gray day here in my part of North Carolina.

February 26.

Just another few weeks and it will be the beginning of my favorite time of year to live in North Carolina.

I'd still like to move out of this state but for now, while Erica is still so young, it'll have to wait. I'm thankful that I had my children in my 20's because I will still have so much time to do all the things I've wanted to do after the last one is 18.

So many things to experience still!

One day, I will be a dive instructor. One day, I will jump out of an airplane. One day, I will learn to fly a helicopter. One day, I will camp at the Grand Canyon.

One day, I will actually FREAKING dive in the OCEAN. hah! Maybe this spring. Kevin and I have talked about starting out with me diving the Indra.

It's not the ocean dive that bothers me, it's that I get so totally SEA SICK it isn't even funny. UGH. That's the primary reason my butt has NOT been diving in the ocean yet. I just dread the damn boat ride out to do the dive. It's too bad I can't water ski behind the boat to get there....OR!!! a helicopter ride in and drop me down baby. No problems there.

I'm just going to have to suck it up, hope for a VERY VERY placid day on the ocean and take Bonine for a week straight. And pray that I'm not providing chum by the time we get there. ERGH.

I'm definitely ready though. Diving quarries is great if that's the only option you have but I need a challenge now. It's time for some new experiences.

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February 25, 2008 - Monday

Can’t Imagine It

My thinking:

Long term = 3-6 months

Kevin's thinking:

Long term = 10 years.

My life over the past 4 years has shifted in such dramatic, problematic, exciting, chaotic, and heart wrenching ways that I stopped trying to look into, or trying to picture, a FUTURE.

I took a big risk (although I didn't know it at the time) in getting involved with someone that was not what they claimed to be or what they promoted to everyone to be. I should have let go long before I did and I blamed my own pain and screwed up iife on myself for a long time after the beginning of the end in the fall in 2006.

I'm smart. I can read people. I SHOULD have known that there was something much bigger, a much bigger lie, going on, but I had committed myself and I am not a quitter. I had changed my entire life for this person, had uprooted and taken away all the stability for my kids that I had worked and wanted for them.

I hadn't known that the highway to hell would start in Dunn at the Rec Center. Never would have believed what a chance meeting would turn into.

I disregarded the advice I was given by everyone from my family to my friends. I overlooked and tried to live with so many lies and deceptions that my head still freaking rings when I look back on that time.

I was so furious at the end of it when I called (what Kevin says) "NO JOY". I had sacrificed EVERYTHING and he had sacrificed nothing. I supported both of us with just my job. I supported both of us emotionally. And I never received anything back except disdain, 17,000 stupid rules, lies, drama, more lies, and just everything bad. Just everything. It all sucked.

And it didn't suck for just me. It affected Erica deeply. She was treated well at first but it soon degenerated into "don't touch me, no hugs, ewwww, you're contagious, don't come near me." She was 7 and 8 years old. This person, who started out being very loving and giving, turned his back on her after she thought he was one of the coolest people in the world.

What kind of person does that to a kid?

Red flags all around me and still I struggled forward. It's just sad. I can laugh about some of the things now, (I'll randomly open Kevin's glove box and he's like, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? and he'll laugh and I'll tell him that I'm spying on him and looking for EVIDENCE or something stupid while I'm busy fishing out a kleenex or napkin.)

I don't have to walk on eggshells around Kevin. There is no reason because he has nothing to hide. There are no head games, no manic depressive mood swings, NO LIES.

But still it has been hard to bring myself to fully trust a man again.

Sometimes, if we have a disagreement, and we do disagree and we think very differently..... I'll feel myself go into the "flight" mode. As in: screw it, not going to work, I've been down this road before, WHY waste any more of my precious time.

It was my last defense mechanism.

I have a plan. I know where I'll go. Since Erica is stable and thriving with Stuart and Stephanie, the only person I have to worry about is me. I've always been able to take care of ME. Screw this, I'm out of here.

But it's a mechanism that needs to be disabled and I am working on that.

In the midst of my disbelief when he states what he believes and its like NOTHING I've ever encountered, he laughs and extends his hand to shake mine and says, "Hello. I'm Kevin. I'm not like anyone you've ever met."

And he isn't and sometimes, I don't even know how to .... take it. I've become such a cynical person. Every nuance is cataloged and I go through what I've known in my mind, and it's funny because while I'm doing that, Kevin will be watching my face and he laughs and asks straight out what I'm thinking to myself: "What's your angle boy?"

Like, how is what you're saying going to benefit YOU the most and how is it going to impact ME and how painful is it going to be? And the thing is, he doesn't have an "angle". He is not trying to keep secrets. He is not withholding information to make himself look better. He is not deceiving me or cheating on me or lying to me.

It used to bother him, I think, when I'd automatically start doing that in response to something that was said. Nobody likes their morals or character to be questioned but he knows it's not because of him or things that he has done that raises that question in my head.

It's not easy.

Both of us are "new" as he puts it. We just met last summer (Thank God for that chance dive.....I was attracted to him immediately but put it out of my head as I was "with" someone else.) We moved in together in August. It's been a very intense 6 months. Two times, one or the other had decided it wasn't going to work. One of us was going to call NO JOY.

But every time, I would picture this FUTURE without him by my side. And I knew that I had to figure out a way past both of our past hurts, our stubborn sides, our prides, and get to the real problem.

And we did it together because it's what we both want. He doesn't just talk the talk, he DOES it. He IS it. And I've never met a man like him before.

So, I can finally picture a future that isn't short term only. We have plans to do things that are a year or years away at this point.

He constantly amazes me. He is an amazing man with a past that includes things that I can only shake my head about in disbelief (really. just. damn. really, take my word.)

He is a full ON Scorpio Man. There is no damn doubt about that. He is 8 years older than I am but he is in reality, a 21 year old in there and it's all I can do to keep up with him but it's a challenge I love.

He is my best friend and my mate. He is my dive buddy and my medic. He is both the anchor AND the adventure.

He is protective of me but there is no jealousy attached to it, which in and of itself, is a HUGE freaking revelation.

I could not have asked for someone who is more perfect for me. He doesn't create problems, he digs them out, talks about them and then comes up with a plan to solve them.

And it's the little things too. Little things add up into the big picture.

We were leaving to go pick up a key for a job that he's doing and his checklist on the way out the door was, "keys, check. wallet, check. beautiful woman, check."

He loves that I turn him onto new music. One of our favorite things to do is just hang out and listen to music and talk about it and the memories and just everything.

He is like Crazy Chef in the kitchen. He'll make some of the best food ever and even if he's not eating (he likes to eat later than I do), he'll still make sure dinner is cooked for me. Breakfast too, on the weekends. I'm clean up duty which I think is a Very Fair trade off.

We talk about everything and anything. He likes to hear the stories of my past and sometimes, after I tell him something that was a particularly key piece of my history, he'll shake his head and say, "And now the world is round again." I love that.

He's got this positivity about him and he believes in it fully. He goes out of his way to help people (well, except those that are driving with their heads up their rear and then watch out because that scorpio temper comes out and also he has no patience for liars, cheats, and people who can't be bothered to be on time) and is respectful and calm. He doesn't take any crap though. But he is showing me that it's "safe" to be positive. That I don't always have to wait for the other shoe to drop, the bad news to come in, to be on watch at all times. He is a great teacher and example in that respect. I've changed a lot just in the past 6 months and I know that it's only going to get better.

Whatever the future holds, I can't imagine not having him by my side the whole way.

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February 24, 2008 - Sunday

Family & Guns (not like that though!)

Most of the most important members of my family are now all on myspace!!!

Jennifer (my sister), her husband Ollie, my brother Jeremy and his wife Angela, and all three of my kids!!!!

YAY!!!!!!!

Myspace may be used by people with the morals of a leech but there is some good in myspace and being able to feel closer when everyone is scattered up and down the east coast and out in the middle of nowhere Montana is a wonderful thing.

Waking up to a friend request from my brother made my day. Hooah!

I'm posting pictures from the gun range in the photo album. Check them out. Erica did AMAZINGLY well considering two very important things:

1. She's never shot a gun before.
2. She is terrified of loud sounds.

There was someone in the next gallery shooting .308 AR10 on full auto and she didn't seem to have a problem with it at all. When she realized that the .22 long rifle she was shooting didn't make that much noise, she was more comfortable.

She still wasn't happy though when we went over to the 100 yard range and I started shooting my favorite (.223 caliber Savage model 110) and Kevin was shooting SKS. She had her hands clamped down over her ear muffs. But I was expecting her to be really super not happy and she adjusted.

She wanted to shoot her .22 rifle from the long range, so we lined up: Kevin, me, and Erica shooting at the gopher target.

We had a great time and it was good exposure to her for gun safety, proper handling of guns, and the etiquette of the gun range.

It was colder than I would have liked and the ground was wet but it was a great change to get out of the house and outside.

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February 23, 2008 - Saturday

Saturday Afternoon

After a lazy morning and a lovely breakfast cooked for me (I am so spoiled...I have my own personal chef!), we (mostly Kevin) spent some time surfing the web with Erica looking up facts on St. Patrick and how he died, volcanos, and various other educational stuff, we'll be loading up the artillery and heading out to the gun range and showing Erica how to safely handle firearms and introduce her to a different hobby.

I won a competition while in 6th grade for marksmanship with a .22 long rifle. I loved it. I still do. So, maybe Erica will enjoy it as well. If nothing else, it's educational and necessary since Kevin does own several guns.

He keeps them under lock and key but she still needs to be properly educated.

SO! Should be interesting. :)

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February 22, 2008 - Friday

Dinner

I am in the mood for some Chicken n Biscuits for dinner.

I don't remember if it was my Mom that was always making it (she did) or my Gram that started it but it is perfect food for a rainy day.

I don't roll out the biscuits by hand like my Mom did though, I'm lazy and just make drop biscuits.

But it's so yummy! I have the whole chicken thawing and will throw it in the pot to start cooking around 1 or so and it will be perfection and the biscuits will be done by the time Kevin gets home from work.

I need to make a run to the library (thankfully, we live close to one and it's just about 10 minutes (city driving) to get there. The library isn't the main one, just a smaller branch but it's about 4 times the size of the library in Dunn and that place is always busy.

Then a stop at the grocery store for Bisquick, some butter, some cranberry sauce (i can't eat the Chicken and Biscuits without it) and back.

I'll pick Erica up this evening...I have no idea what we're going to do this weekend yet and we have no pressing business that has to be done on deadline like i did last weekend so that's a bonus.

It's supposed to be warmer tomorrow and mostly sunny....maybe a trip to the gun range is in order! My wrist is healed enough to take the hammering from the guns I prefer to shoot and I am ready to kill some targets. :)

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February 21, 2008 - Thursday

Again, this time with such emotion

If I were as talented, I could write something like this for you, because my heart beats every line as if I am living it:

RESIGNATION
By Nikki Giovanni

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Year To Year

I'm almost to the point in time where I can look back on the last year and have happy memories to remember instead of painful, hurtful and angry memories.

It's been a year of healing and growing and changing.

When this long cold winter is over, my own personal winter will be over.

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February 20, 2008 - Wednesday

just for me

I am vacillating between feeling more ALONE in this world than I ever have before and just saying fuck it and leaving and wondering if it's worth working out.

Collateral damage: Erica. God. She's already been through so much shit. First the breaking up of me and her Dad and then my relationship with Michael and how he treated her and now this.

On one hand, Kevin is great. When he's at his best, he's the most wonderful mate that I could ever hope to find.

On the other hand, he isn't.

I don't know which one is outweighing the other or if it's an even balance. No, I'd say that for the most part, it's good. 70% good, 30% bad.

He drinks. A LOT. He calls it his "tool". But alcohol is what it is: a crutch and a drug. When you drink every night, that's a lot. When your attitude changes and you get more impatient when you aren't drinking, that's a fucking blazing neon sign. I've lived with people who drank. A lot. I know the signs.

And it's not normally good things.

I feel incredibly betrayed by what he did the other night by calling Wendy. It's not that I have a problem with Wendy herself but I don't want her involved in ANY business that I'm a part of. I can respect that she has mad editing skillz but I still don't want her involved. And he knew it and he STILL called her and talked to her about it.

That is not a fucking "partnership". That is a one way street with one motherfucker calling the shots.

And now the not speaking to me for two days? Such immaturity that I don't even know whether to just fucking laugh at how stupid it is or begin preparations for me to get the FUCK OUT OF CRAZYTOWN.

I can go and be much more peacefully insane all by myself.

He's tired? I'm fucking beyond tired of men and their fucking stupid petty, cheating, lying, betraying, using ways. SO FUCKING TIRED of it.

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Obsolete

Dead end and one way streets are a bitch.

Just need to remember to avoid rush hour frenzy!!!

In other random observations and finds (amandapage posted it elsewhere first):

What is now considered Obsolete:

http://obsoleteskills.com/Skills/Skills

Dialing a rotary telephone.

I used to love that black rotary phone my Grandparent's had in their store. Even though dialing "0" and "9" was a pain because it seemed to take forever to roll back through but it was a lot more fun than dialing a phone is now.

But faxing?

That is not even close to being obsolete yet.

Interesting list though!

February 19, 2008 - Tuesday

House To House

House to House: An Epic Memoir of War - SSG David Bellavia with John R. Bruning

I am vehemently opposed to our continued presence in Iraq and have been for 6 years now. George Bush is doing nothing but creating a huge mess, continuing to put our men and women's lives in danger just because of his own agenda at this point.

But I am not against the men and women who go and give their lives for a cause they believe in. I support them completely. This is the first book I've read regarding the war in Iraq and it made me weep. SSG Bellavia writes from the heart and gut and there are no questions in my mind of just how much they are sacrificing every day, in ways that I will never understand.

This is a first hand account of a short period of time and the fight at Fallujah that occurred on November 10, 2004 and it is gut wrenching and majestic and explains what compels these men and women to be over there. It's not just an order from their government. It's a cause they believe in enough to die for and so many have died. If you read anything about first hand experiences for the soldiers over there, I ask you to put this one at the very top of your list. It deserves to be read and you will find yourself never wondering why they do what they do. Hooah to SSG Bellavia and his team and all the other soldiers over there.

March 7, 2008 - Friday

Trip to the beach next weekend! Whee!

Snead's Ferry better buckle up because we'll be arriving for a wee little, WAY overdue visit!

It's also Mikey's big 1-9 birthday next Saturday!

I SO CAN"T WAIT TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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So sad.

Yet another teenager from Midway HS has died in an auto accident.

I watched this kid play football with Mikey. He was great on the field but also a friend to Mikey.

The news article states that it's the fourth person who graduated in 2007 to die.

The statistics are staggering that such a small, rural school can lose so many.

I have no more words...but my heart is heavy and sad for the family.

And Mikey always wondered why I never wanted him to attend that high school.

Please, please, PLEASE drive safely kids.

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March 6, 2008 - Thursday

dude.

i am DYING FOR SOME EGGNOG HERE.

The end of October is a long, long ways away......

Damn.

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Way Way Weird

Yesterday, I had to drive down to Dunn. I had an appointment with a customer and also a dr. appt. but I took the time to drop by the paper so I could see my people!

Tracey, Misty and I went out to lunch and talked and it was so good to be able to spend time with both of them. I miss everyone so much since I've moved. That has always been the worst part about moving to Raleigh.

I really do like it up here but I miss my friends so incredibly much.

I got to spend time with some other people there, had some birthday cheesecake and got to talk to Zach and admire the very LUMBERJACK looking beard. ;) We talked and it was good. I worry about him though as if he were one of my own. He's got a great heart. I wish so much good for him.

It was really strange though. It's like I had many parts of my past lives smacking into each other.

And it was only compounded when I got a phone call from a boat captain that well, weird. He had misdialed my number but he called me back and we talked for about 10 minutes. He apologized for any "weird" ways he may have acted towards me and we talked about how him and his family were doing and some of what his plans were for the boat this summer and he extended an invitation to me and Kevin to come aboard and he would take us to some close offshore diving. VERY important that "close offshore" thing since I get seasick as hell. ergh! But, it was still completely surreal.

And on the drive back home, the only thing I could think of was my haven. I needed to get back home and back to Kevin where the world was round and not insanely, crazy and WEIRD.

And I did get home and the world was round again. Thank God.

He is truly my haven against all the storms and difficulties in this life.

And on a completely different note; HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOUG!!!!!!! THANX FOR BEING HERE!!!! ;)I love you guy and I know this birthday is going to be particularly difficult for you. Your friends are with you in spirit even though we can't be there physically. Go wish him a Happy one all you journalers!

http://www.myspace.com/nilky

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March 4, 2008 - Tuesday

Down to the big HC tomorrow

I will see my people tomorrow!!!!

I have to go to a customer's in the morning for some photo stuff, then I will probably go visit my sister (IF she's home), visit my peeps at TDR, and then a Dr. appt.

Sort of scary....I'll be in Dunn all day..........

At least I get to see everyone!

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and the past comes alive

I'm a little scared. A little skeptic. A little....hopeful maybe?

I've been contacted by someone who was once a HUGE MAJOR part of my life for many years.

Since I've been working through many things emotionally, I guess this is the right time for her to come back into my life.

A lot of pain and anger and confusion I have towards people in my past all have the same thing in common: there has been no final resolution. No final goodbye. No finality of any kind.

It's why I hold onto them, to the relationship in my heart. My brain knows what's good for me and what I should do to protect myself but I've never been one to listen to my brain FIRST. It's only after I've been hurt, that my heart has been hurt, over and over again, that my brain finally tells my heart to shut the fuck up and get out of harm's way.

In bringing peace to my life, which is my ultimate goal, I have to face many internal fires. I know that may sound really hokey to some people but I find it hard to let go of people I have loved when there has been no TRUE resolution. No discussion. No finality.

I think that's one of the things I value so much about Stuart. We both fucked up in that marriage. And it's not that we both know it but that we have talked about it. We have apologized. We were able to move past all the bullcrap and be true. And while he still does things to irritate me and I still irritate the crap out of him, we are still friends. And I value that very highly.

How hard is it to cut off all contact to someone you loved so completely at one time and just never speak again? For years and years? It's hard and can leave emotional damage behind. And that's what happened with a woman I was best friends with for 10 years.

This woman played a huge role in my life, a role when I needed a friend, a mother, a mentor when my family was no where to be found. When I had no friends down here in North Carolina. While I was married to Nathan who I could never ever count on for anything other than .... well, nothing.

There ARE two sides to every story and maybe a few years ago, I would not have been ready to hear it but I'm at a place in my life where my personal life is not a fucking rollercoaster. I have matured a LOT in the past 4 years. Not as much as I would like but I'm working on it.

And one day, all the negativity and all the pessimistic thoughts and feelings I have picked up, will be gone.

I'm a beautiful work in progress.

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March 2, 2008 - Sunday

What’s it worth?

I'm a complicated person but I'm also very simple.

I don't spend a lot of money on things. I don't believe in buying my kids a bunch of "stuff". I never have. Most of the year will go by and I actually only believe in getting big presents or things of that nature on two occasions: birthdays and Christmas.

Stuart's always made more money than I have, ever since we split up, so Erica was always showing up with some new Nintendo DS game or some other bauble. Even if I had/have the money, I wouldn't have/don't show(n) my affection with things.

One of the biggest deals of my childhood was that on our birthdays, my Gram would pick us up and take us out to lunch, anywhere we wanted, and we could pick out our OWN birthday gifts! Birthday shopping.

The funny thing is, I don't remember not one single item I ever picked out on a birthday shopping trip but I certainly remember the time my Gram took to spend with ME. Every lunch. Every ride in the car. It was her time that she gave me that has lived in my memories since I was 8 years old. Not the things. It was her love.

When Mikey was growing up, we didn't have a lot of money and I couldn't send him on trips like the other kids did but we did sacrifice and try to make sure that he was able to do things he loved and wanted to do like participating in sports. You might not think it's a big deal but either Stuart or I were at every one of his games. Coming up with the extra money for the particular athletic gear he needed was never easy but we managed. He did have a lot of stuff, what we didn't do during the year, we tried to make up for that on his Birthday or at Christmas.

But what I hope and pray that he will remember the times we spent with him on the rides before the game or the rides home from the game or just knowing that the people that loved him so much were THERE for him in the stands or in the audience at his speech competition or watching him being inducted into the Beta club.

We (Kevin and I) share the same type of values when it comes to kids. We spend our time with Erica when we have her. Most of the time, she is right beside one or both of us, involved in a project, asking questions, asking "what are we going to do today". And some days it's a big thing. Like taking her to the gun range for the first time. Or teaching her to ice skate or taking her to the museums to experience different things. Our trips out are not centered around spending money or getting "things". We do things together. To better ourselves, to enrich her life, in some way. Some weekends that involves just hanging around the house and learning how to VACUUM or cleaning out the garage (and giving Bob a punch or two on the pass-bys).

I know that Mikey has always been proud that when he was young and stayed at friend's house, the parent's loved it because he showed his friends how to do LAUNDRY or other things like that. My biggest hope is that one day, they will look back on these things they were taught at a younger age than most of their friends, is that they will realize that being self-sufficient is one of the most significant signs of being a successful person.

I hope they go into relationships with the idea of GIVING something to that relationship instead of with the mindset of 'WHAT'S IN IT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR MEEEEEEEE???? I WANT IT ALL. LET ME SUCK THE LIFE AND MONEY OUT OF YOUR SOUL. I WANT, CAN I HAVE, I WANTWANTWANT. I WISH I HAD. IF ONLY I HAD.

UGH.

People are valuable. Their time is valuable. Things, ultimately, are not

Erica will never have every color "Rainbow" flip flop out there because that's just ridiculous but she will have no doubt that I love to be with her and that we like her around just because of who she is. We don't pick her up and then have her disappear into the computer or Nintendo for the weekend except when we go somewhere. It's full on time spent the entire weekend.

And I think that all of my kids would give the shirt off their backs for someone they cared about. They give of themselves in ways that are far more mature and wonderful than any kid I've ever met. They are fiercely loyal and love with all their hearts. They are not quitters.

So, as a parent, if I were to measure my worth against that?

Their hearts are bigger than their greed or love of material things. Erica will give her only dollar to me and Kevin, wrapped in a story she wrote about a little side trip she and Kevin went on. Mikey, as broke as he's been, has offered to buy me lunch before when I know he only had a few dollars in his pocket.

There isn't a measurement to encompass what that means to me. My kids screw up, sometimes SPECTACULARLY, but in their hearts, they are the best of everything they've been given and I am very proud of each of them.

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March 1, 2008 - Saturday

Bummer!

So with Kevin fighting some nasty flu and me feeling like I'm picking up the remnants, we didn't get Erica for the weekend, which really freaking sucks, nor did we go to the birthday party. Which also really sucks. But Ethan's immune system has such a hard time fighting off viruses that there was no way I was taking a chance and bringing flu/colds/germs to the wee little thing.

We'll go visit and take a birthday present when we're all not feeling like death warmed over.

I did meet my Mom to give her the computer that we had picked up for Mikey and I saw her for just a minute.

I had decided to meet her at the TMart and I got there before she did, went in to buy a diet coke and the guy that used to live next door to me when I lived on Edgerton Street came in. And recognized me. So we each said hello, asked about the families and told each other to take care.

I like the fact that I RARELY see people I know in Raleigh. I think I've seen 2 or 3 people that I know but just while driving. Thank God. I like being a stranger. I don't have to duck out of the aisles when I go to Wal-Mart or Target or the mall because I know 10 people by name and sight. I'm pretty damn anti-social in that regard.

I headed to Erwin to take some photos at a place we're doing a web site for and was there for about an hour and then thankfully, hopped back on I95 headed North to home.

Dunn holds a lot of memories for me. I've spent the majority of my life here in North Carolina in that area but unfortunately, it's not filled with great memories. I hate it down there and can't ever see myself returning to the area to live. I'm about as far north as I'd like to be situated, in a perfect world I think I would live in Wilmington, or some coastal town or Las Cruces, New Mexico but...it's not a perfect world just yet. :)

Yet. :)

Now, I'm glad to be back home.

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February 29, 2008 - Friday

Busy day but not really...

Kevin has the flu or something and I've been playing nurse for him.

It really sucks being sick as a dog and having nobody give a crap about how you're feeling or offering to help. Been there, had that, it sucks. He doesn't do "sick" very well either. About as well as I do so I'm offering lots of various liquids, vitamins, blankets when needed and cold compresses.

If he is still feeling like this tomorrow, I doubt he'll be going to Ethan's birthday party and I know with as sick as Ethan gets, Jen wouldn't want anyone with major germs going. I'm going to pick Erica up from Stuart's tomorrow and go over to her house after that.

I got a FANTASTIC haircut and color today, lovelovelove it and Kevin says it's the best cut he's seen on me even in all my past photos.

Kristin of Lux Salon in Raleigh (located next to the Starbucks) at the corner of Spring Forest Road and Falls of the Neuse. Excellent and the price wasn't enough to send me into shock.

Now, I'm waiting for my workout clothes to dry in the dryer and I'm off to the gym.

Stay healthy everyone!

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February 27, 2008 - Wednesday

Stuff to look forward to

I have a hair appointment on Friday. Whee! I have no idea what I want but definitely there will be a bit of length coming off of it. After spending an entire summer out at the dive shop, in and out of the water, plus the sun, the very ends are not in good shape. I hate to lose any length because Kevin loves it longer but I can't walk around looking like a nest of rats were working me over while I was sleeping.

My nephew's birthday party is Saturday.

We have two weddings to attend this year that I'm really, really looking forward to both of them for different reasons: one is in April and one is in August.

We have a tentative trip planned for Pennsylvania around the end of April or so to go see my Dad.

There will be a lot of working, new businesses require a LOT of work, there will be classes to attend, there will be a trip out to the Indra at some point, there will be a trip to Rawlings just because I've never been and that's just local stuff.

It's nice to have plans. :)

March 23, 2008 - Sunday

Sunday Cinematic Reviews

Happy Easter or as one journaler I read says her brother in law calls it: Happy Jesus Coming Out of a Hole day!

Which, no offense to the extremely religious, is really sort of funny.

I was up far too early on a day when I could have slept in and Kevin is snoring away in there.

I fell asleep last night while we were watching the movie "Transformers" but it was actually quite funny, that one kid had some great lines. I’ll need to finish watching it before I send it back. It’s actually not quite as hokey as I thought it would be, being based on some kids toys and all.

We’ve watched quite a few movies in the past week:

I Am Legend (oh man. GREAT flick but I felt like i needed a tranquilizer after I got done watching it. It totally wound me up.)

Shoot ’em Up with Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti which was actually quite entertaining once you got past taking all the shooting quite so seriously.

Breach: weird. fetishesque towards Catholicism, sort of slow. Wouldn’t recommend it or watch it again.

Middle Eastern Promises: Pretty violent and has some disturbing content but a decent film. Viggo Mortenson has definitely got being "violent’ down. Maybe it was all the Lord of the Rings goodness that has him doing some pretty over the edge flicks. (History of Violence and this one). Good story line though.

License to Wed: I used to like Robin Williams but this one just was too weird and eh. Don’t waste your time.

and

Transformers: Pretty damn good. I hope it ends as well as it was going when I conked out. Plus, Josh Duhamel is in it. And Shia LaBeouf. That kid is a great actor. I’m going to see what else he has been in, I’ve seen him in other stuff but can’t remember.

Oh yes: Constantine, I, Robot, and Holes. He really is a phenomenal actor.

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March 22, 2008 - Saturday

Good Morning!

I woke up to coffee already being brewed and sweet kisses.

As I tend not to be much of a morning person, this is a good thing.

Putting off working on a web site design (font issues are a pain in the ass!), Kevin is taking apart a failed hard drive and while he is not happy that the external hard drive failed, he is like a kid in a candy shop at the prospect of finally getting to disassemble and try to figure out what went wrong.

If it’s messed up, needs fixed or something like that, he’ll jump on it. He doesn’t put it off and put it off. One of the very first things I ever noticed about him. Nail sticking up out of a picnic bench that divers use to get ready? No problem, he gets a hammer, immediately, problem solved.

Nice. He doesn’t wait for things to get more screwed up before he jumps on it and fixes it. I love that about him.

Other than that, the day holds a few different things that we’ll be doing. It’s still sort of nice out, I’m not looking forward to the next few colder days.

Anyway. Enough blather. I’m off to do some stuff! Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend!

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March 21, 2008 - Friday

Dear Mikey

Dear Mikey,

I wish you knew how much I think about you every single day. How much I still worry about you and how very, very much I miss you.

I know what you’re going through is really freakin’ hard right now. And having the man who raised you as his own, since you were 7, suddenly turn into a stranger sucks. I can’t explain why or how but I just wanted to let you know that even in your darkest time, I will always love you and have always loved you. I might not bail your ass out of jail because you know how I feel about that so behave!!!!

Everyone makes such a big deal about "tough love" crap but it’s more than that. It’s so hard to stand by and watch you struggle to get back on your feet and get everything straight again and I want so much to step in and fix everything for you but that’s where the tough part comes in. I can’t do that for you. You have to do that for you otherwise, it’s not worth anything.

I love every single one of you equally but you are the child of my heart. So much like me, walking down some of life’s more difficult paths, on purpose or so it seems sometimes.

You are doing a great job....stay the course and don’t ever give up. And thanks for still loving your Mom enough to call and tell me you love me. That means a lot to me. I couldn’t have asked for a more loving kid. You’re the best!

Love,

Your MOM.

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distractions...

today was pretty damn great. updated the paper from home, hung out with my baby (thus the numerous distractions.....hah!), talked, ran out to the Harris Teeter and Food Lion and then home and he cooked up some yummy "mexican" style bruschetta. Wonderful.

Now, we’re spinning some CDs, he’s working on some font stuff and I’m not doing anything productive besides downloading some new songs. LOTS of great ones. I’m very happy about my most recent finds.

We have a web site deadline by Sunday but it shouldn’t be too hard to hit. I’ll drive down to my sister’s house on Sunday, swing by and get Erica for it and then eat, drop Erica back off and head back home.

Great start to the weekend for sure. :)

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March 20, 2008 - Thursday

tofu fer u

Blah!!!

It’s the Thursday ahead of a holiday weekend and I have a case of the blahs. It’s ALMOST spring. It’s ALMOST warm. I’m ALMOST feeling better. I’m ALMOST sick of my own self. Blah. This makes me feel really restless.

I wish I could trade places just for a few hours and do some "other life" traveling. That sounds interesting.

I could jump to Mary’s life and knock some sense into some bar people. I’d be afraid to try out Paul’s world, but damn wouldn’t it be nice to be on a boat and NOT get sea sick???? That would rock. I could jump over to Mikey’s life and see what he’s been up to but I have a feeling I’d want to ground him for life if I had a real glimpse. Or jump on over to Alix and see Montana for the first time.

I don’t know. I’m completely up for a cross country walkathon at this point.

I want to walk the Appalachian Trail. I’d start at the most southern end in February and make my way North into Maine. I wonder how long it would take me? I wouldn’t want to be busting my ass the whole way but it wouldn’t be at a leisurely pace either. I’d need a notebook and a pencil. My iPod. A camera. 3 months. 4 months if I’m being really lazy or fall into a ravine or sit on a rattlesnake.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been reading too many books that are based on women doing a lot of traveling. Or soldiers doing a lot of soldiering. I’m feeling a little bit BLAND in comparison.

I haven’t been to Saudi Arabia or Africa or India.

I HAVE been to Mexico though. By myself to meet up with a group of friends. And had the most GLORIOUS time ever.

I have got to get OUT OF North Carolina soon. I am going stir crazy!

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March 19, 2008 - Wednesday

woke up this morning...

(i have that leonard cohen song stuck. in. my. head. this morning. argh!)

I felt pretty good this morning when I woke up. I think I’ve mostly recovered from the weekend.

Easter weekend is coming up and I still don’t know what we’ll be doing. I’m not cooking....I think my sister is but she hasn’t bothered to PICK UP HER PHONE and call me.

Mikey is a little upset because he’s scheduled to work doubles that day and he could have taken the day off and come up if someone had let him know sooner what was going on. Very frustrating to both myself, Mikey and Kevin.

It’s supposed to be warm today and I am VERILY happy about that. I am so OVER winter already. Today is an "in the office" day so I’m in beautiful Dunn today. I have a million and two things to do today so I am outta here for now.

I need some new music people. Tell me what you’re listening to. I need some fresh stuff!

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March 17, 2008 - Monday

a bit about the weekend

The last thing I wanted to do today was to wake up and STAY up when my alarm went off at 5:45AM.

There was so much going on this past weekend and week that I was exhausted.

It was a great weekend.

As with all things of this nature, I have not fully processed all of it and don’t quite know what to write yet.

It was wonderful to see Mary again. The details are important to the two of us but it was only a mild surprise to me that while we have both changed, the bond we have is still a strong one and I have only regret that we didn’t get back in touch sooner.

But like I told her, I think I had to endure a few things in order to understand completely where she had been and what she had gone through.

The bad thing about me is that though I may seem angry at people, what usually fuels that is hurt and pain. I don’t get sad, I get pissed off. And it’s a protection technique. Not healthy at all but I rarely cry when I’m upset. I’m not quite sure how to fix that issue but one day, it’ll come to me.

In retrospect, I don’t think I was every REALLY upset or mad about how things had turned out, I was hurt and didn’t understand a lot of things that were going on because I wasn’t told about them.

I’m over analyzing everything as usual though and it was all good. In many different ways.

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March 14, 2008 - Friday

very nice surprise

Instead of me leaving work and having to drive to Raleigh and then turn around and drive to Wilmington, Kevin drove down to Dunn to save me the trip.

He FINALLy got to meet everyone at the paper: Tracey, Misty, Heather, Zach, Charlotte, Suzanne, Melissa, and Lisa. So THAT was great!

We’re here in Wilmington and chillin’ for the night at my Mom’s community. I get to see my cousins and my uncle and all and Mikey later. Yay!

And then tomorrow, I’ll finally see Mary for the first time in over 7 years. Wow!

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lots of stuff going on

Yesterday was my first official "work from home" day. Part of the deal that I struck with the Daily Record since I have no intention of moving from Raleigh back down to this area. I’ll do that on Tuesdays and Thursdays and work in the office on M-W-F.

There are a lot of reasons why I wanted it to work out this way. One of them being all the driving and the price of gas. $3.19-$3.24 is whacked. I hate it. The drive isn’t that bad though. I get in at 7AM and leave by 4PM and am going the opposite way of the horrible rush hour traffic in and out of Raleigh. So that’s a good thing. It takes me about 45 minutes, one way. I used to have that time of drive when I was living in Angier and working at the paper so it’s not a big deal. It also is made up by the fact that I can wake up on Tue and Thur and jump onto my desk and not drive anywhere.

We needed an additional, reliable income source to help build the business we are working on and also, Stuart never has had insurance so I’m the only one that has ever provided that for both myself and Erica. THAT is the main and most important reason. It’s the ONLY real reason I even need a "regular" job for now.

Yesterday was absolutely chaotic and I was so absorbed with figuring out the best way to work the VPN and the VNC for working at home that it didn’t even feel like I was AT home.

One very cool thing: I took my lunch break and was able to meet up with a girl I’ve known for over 8 years now just through a message board. She had her little girl with her and she was so adorable. I wish I had been able to meet her partner but she was officially in town for a work thing and had that type of thing to do. But it was totally awesome to meet Guppy and the wee little Larkin.

After that, jumped back into work. Kevin changed the oil in my Jeep, which needed it desperately and after I signed out of work at 4:30, I went out and gave my beloved a wash job (the Jeep, not Kevin!). :)

It’s still so shiny and pretty. Even though it is a GAS hog compared to what I’ve driven before, I still love it. I used to have a bunch of decals for diving stuff on the back but I had Kevin remove those months ago. Especially when a former coworker is like, oh yeah! I saw you on 540! I have never liked being so easily recognized and that put the seal of death on the stickers.

BUT! It’s ready for the road trip down to Wilmington tonight and then over to Snead’s Ferry Saturday. I’m buzzing in my head about it. I can’t. wait. !!!!!

Mikey turns 19 on Saturday. I am O-L-D. Hah! Not really. :)

Now, work is calling.

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March 10, 2008 - Monday

a lot emotionally stressed. maybe a little crazy.

*FYI: A lot of this may not make sense to ANY body but me. But this is how I work things out and you're welcome to follow along and ask questions or leave comments. Unless you tell me what a stupid ass I am and then because it's MY blog, I'll delete that crap. Okay. Now that I have that out of the way. Here we go.

I, much to Kevin's consternation at times (at my own too), am very much a creature of habit.

I like my days broken into certain segments in which I do, mostly, the same thing.

Sometimes it drives me crazy, the same thing day in and day out. I realize that. I also realize that's a little insane on my part. Most of me likes things to stay the same, it makes me feel secure and stable but there is a part of me that freaking HATES the same thing, over and over and over. I find myself at odds with my own personality because of it.

The part that likes change will do things such as quit a job (or leave a 10 year relationship or plan a trip with no real backup plan) with no other job in site and then the rest of my brain catches up with it and it's like, 'Oh. My. God. WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE NOW????" I think that voice sounds a lot like my parents did when I was a kid and busy wreaking havoc and mayhem.

For a long time, things were the same, every day, in each department of my life.

I worked. I went home. I was married. I had more than one kid in the house. I cooked. I surfed the web. I read. I did what those days normally consisted of (with small various changes) throughout the years.

It was very reassuring in many ways and it allowed me to grow both mentally and emotionally but after a number of years, this very sameness started to grate on my nerves.

I started doing little things outside of my range of normal because of that. I started going to the movies - by myself. I started traveling - by myself. I started to become, somewhat, of a mature adult. I experienced things that caused me to grow both mentally and emotionally and that's a normal progression in most people's lives. I was sort of growing UP, after the fact.

In the meantime, the majority of my life was the same: still married. still had two kids in the house. still worked at the same job with the same hours with most of the same people.

I had found a comfort zone in all of that. The traveling and movies and going back to college were little steps, that I controlled for the most part, to widen the range of my "zone". I felt "safe" enough to do these things BECAUSE every other aspect of my life was RELATIVELY STABLE.

I may not have liked it or loved those parts that were stable but I had the mindset of "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't." Whatever. Sort of like that, sort of not.

This may sound pretty stupid to many people but I don't have what *I* consider full blown panic/anxiety disorder.

Everybody, well, most everybody, has a certain level of anxiety anytime they are confronted with new people, new places, new situations. It's manageable for the most part and expected.

I have seen people who REALLY have anxiety and panic attacks. Real serious, for true, honest to God, they feel like they are dying or having a heart attack panic attacks.

I've only ever felt that way during one portion of my life. So, while I don't put myself in that higher level of category, I can sympathize AND empathize with it even if it frustrates me when I see it in others because, speaking from experience, IT WILL BE OKAY.

BECAUSE my life was so incredibly stable and secure in all aspects: me, my personal life, and my work life, I was able to .... I guess outgrow a lot of those feelings.

And then everything about my life changed except my job. Really changed. And to be quite honest, it's been two years now, over two years and I don't feel like there is ONE damn stable thing ABOUT my life right now.

I've got people from my past coming back into my life.
I've got a business that I am starting with not only a new business partner but a new mate.
I am not married.
I don't have the same job that I've had for years. Except, I sort of do starting tomorrow. More details on THAT later.
I have had 3 different address changes in less than 2 years.
I'm going to meet some people I've known for over 8 years this week, but never met face to face.
NOTHING is the same.

So, this is why I write. Some people make index cards. Some have nice, tidy lists. Some people have lists of the LISTS they have.

I just write out the emotions and then I'm left with the facts. And I feel 80% better.

Hey. I NEVER ever said I was perfectly sane or sanely perfect. Or logical. I can BE logical and sane but as someone who is very emotionally driven, I have to get them out of the way for everything to fall into place.

All right. I'm over all that. If you actually read all of that, YOU are either one of my very best friends or a sucker for punishment. ;)

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Girls & Thier Ways

I am reading a book that is really freakin’ disturbing.

It’s called "Odd Girl Out" by Rachael Simmon.

It discusses aggression among girls, within their peer groups and if you have a daughter between the ages of 0-18, you should most definitely read this.

More on it when I can get all my thoughts in order.

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April 8, 2008 - Tuesday

Rock The Cradle

I remember when Rockstar: INXS was first introduced on the plate of reality television about 4 years ago.

After being a fan on and off of American Idol, I was seriously impressed with the talent that STARTED the show, right off the bat. Finally! People that can REALLY sing!

INXS was trying to find a front man to replace long gone Michael Hutchence and they used this show to do so.

They followed up with this a few years later, or one year, can’t remember now, with Rockstar: Supernova. This was also a pretty decent competition and interesting to watch.

The pickings for really great talent in a singing contest have been slim to none though (American Idol just sucks anymore. Sorry but it used to be so good and produced quite a few great Pop acts. I don’t feel like it does anymore. Or at least the last 2 seasons.) and I was a little leery of how Rock The Cradle would be.

MTV used to be a great station but with all the trampy reality shows they’ve put out and still continue to do so (see the show that Bret Michaels is hosting. gack!), I didn’t put a lot of faith in liking the newest show: Rock The Cradle.

I watched it last night though (I think it aired on Sunday) and it was actually pretty interesting.

My favorites of the night, in order of how much I loved them:

1. Lucy Walsh (Daughter of lead guitarist Joe Walsh):

By the time she sang (about halfway through the show), I was beginning to think this was going to be pretty bad. Just because your Mom or Dad can sing and put on a great show does NOT mean that their kids can. She has an incredible voice and I think she picked a great song. She totally nailed this one and knew it. Very comfortable up there on stage.

2. Jesse Blaze Snider (Son to Dee Snider, lead singer for Twisted Sister):

He reminds me of a younger, better looking lead singer for Motley Crue. The squee factor will definitely be keeping him on and he should have no fear of not getting enough public votes. He has a pretty decent voice and stage presence. I liked it. He covered a song by Led Zeppelin which his Dad was quick to point out that he had to call them and get special permission for his kid to perform this song.

3. Jesse Money (Eddie Money’s daughter)

BAD song choice although she does have some potential. Cute girl, decent voice.

4. Lil B. Sure (Al B. Sure’s son)

This one I was expecting to completely tank but he has a very, very nice voice. I liked it. Still really nervous but not bad at all.

5. Lara Johnston (Daughter of singer in Doobie Brothers)

So young. The youngest contestant in the competition. She picked a song that she didn’t have the confidence to handle but she wasn’t horrible. I think she has a lot of potential.

6. Chloe Lattanzi (Olivia Newton-John’s daughter)

Wow. I really wanted to like her but first, she wasn’t that great and second, blamed her poor performance on the fact that her "ears" went out in the song and she couldn’t hear herself. I hate when people try to blame equipment failure on why they sounded so badly.

7. Crosby Loggins (Kenny Loggins son)

This guy has a GREAT attitude, a decent voice, little stage presence. He’s not bad but he really needs to bring up a notch or two with the competition he has.

8. A’Keiba Burrell-Hammer (MC Hammer’s daughter)

Not bad at all but not what I would consider "Rock Star" material. Her sound is old school Motown-ish. She sang a song from a musical so maybe it was the song choice. She has great sound but wasn’t blowing my socks off.

9. Landon Brown (Bobby Brown’s son)

I really wanted to like this guy but he gave such a weak performance with weak vocals that it’s only fair that he be the first to go.

So, yay! A decent rock and roll singing competition!

http://rockthecradle.mtv.com

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April 7, 2008 - Monday

New Music

New Music out by REM From their 14th album:

"Until The Day Is Done" – Reminds me a lot of their older stuff but also brings to mind the show Firefly. This song would have been PERFECT for use on that show. I’m still in mourning that it was canceled. LOVED that show.

And if you ever thought that my music choices were strange or eclectic or that I might be a music snob, think again because my newest favoritest song is by none other than Miley Cyrus (yes. From Hannah Montana). GO FIGURE!!!

I love the catchy beat and the lyrics are GREAT fun too. Check out: "See You Again". Listen to it LOUDLY!

GoldFrapp has a new album out and I love the first single off of it. It’s VERY different sound from their older stuff. I love it!

Listen to "A&E". "It’s a blue, bright blue, Saturday, hey, hey…"

Still listening to Ringside’s "Tired of Being Sorry". It has a kind of Latin beat underscoring the music. I love it and the guy’s voice. Great song.

Panic At The Disco – They’ve released a new album and dropped "!" from their name. Listen to "Nine In The Afternoon".

I love the chorus "cuz it’s nine in the afternoon and your eyes are the size of the moon, you could cuz you can so you do." It has some nice horns and strings in there too at the end of the song. Great arrangement.

For those that love the Hip Hop, catchy "Get Like Me" by David Banner is getting some play on my top playlist right now.

I don’t love anyone more than I still love Nelly (the BEST when it comes to Hip Hop). His older stuff is STILL getting major play on my workout playlists: "Number 1" and "Grillz".

Some new (new to me!) artists to listen to:

Lady Antebellum – "Love Doesn’t Live Here Anymore" & "Long Gone".

This has a bit of rock/alt country sound to it. After looking them up, they are country. I don’t normally LIKE country but there are a few exceptions to that rule. If they continue to have decent lyrics that aren’t hokey as crap (I’m looking at you "She thinks my tractors sexy."), I’ll be a fan. This particular song isn’t too bad.

(oh, I can’t stand this song. "Wasn’t Me" by Shaggy. Delete, delete, delete.)

Here’s an interesting one:

Duffy – "Breaking My Heart" & Mercy

Very old Motown sound. She’s got a nice sound. And the songs are great. It’s a nice change from the current sounds.

Leona Lewis – If you listen to any radio at all, you probably have heard her top single, which I also love, Bleeding Love, but a few other songs from that same album are pretty decent. Listen to Bleeding Love and Whatever It Takes. It’s got this gospel sounding choir going on towards the end in the song. She’s got a beautiful voice though.

Rachael Yamagata – This woman is awesome. I love a lot of her stuff. I’m not sure what category to put her in. I’ve seen her listed under Pop and Blues categories. She sounds a little like Fiona Apple in "Letter Read" and "I’ll Find A Way".

Listen to "Reason Why", "Letter Read", "Meet Me By The Water", "Worn Me Down", & "I’ll Find A Way".

And finally, most excitingly, I just read that my favorite male singer is coming BACK to North Carolina. Chris Cornell is playing in the Projekt Revolution tour with Linkin Park (and many others) this summer. I am SO GOING. I didn’t get to see him play this past November even though I had tickets to see him in Charlotte. He doesn’t tour much in the US (since he’s moved to France) and they are playing both Raleigh and Charlotte.

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April 4, 2008 - Friday

poof! Friday.

Wow.

I am dragging today. It’s been raining off and on all week and on one hand, it’s a good thing but on the other hand, it makes me want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there for a least 2 days.

I was up too bright and early, before my alarm went off (5:36AM precisely). I didn’t bring my coffee on the drive this morning and maybe that’s why I’m feeling a bit off. I don’t know.

The pollen is kicking my butt lately, if it hadn’t been raining, I probably wouldn’t be able to breathe at this point. UGH!!! Never had allergy problems until I had lived here in NC for about 3 years.

But I can’t complain too much because there are few places I find more beautiful in the spring than NC. I love this state during spring and summer. Even though I talk and think a lot about moving out to New Mexico, I would definitely miss the green and the trees.

Colorado might be a contender though! I think that would be a fair trade off. I still have a lot of winter sports that I’ve never ever tried. Kevin can’t believe that after growing up in Northwestern PA that I have never been down hill skiing or snowboarding or anything. But I haven’t. I did cross country skiing, once I think, but never downhill.

I’m SURE I can probably manage to break at LEAST one of my wrists if I give that a go!

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April 2, 2008 - Wednesday

huhm.

There are some people in this life that have the ability to just set my teeth on freaking EDGE. Ugh.

I am not quite as patient in reality as I would like to be.

It’s a FLAW.

Who moved my zen state?

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April 1, 2008 - Tuesday

in progress

I am reading a book right now that is raising the emotional hackles.

I’m two chapters in and already so frustrated I could scream.

So, why the hell do I continue to read it?

Because there might be information in it that might help Erica.

There is already this one girl that she has been friends with for 3 or so years now. This girl is a damn bully. Flat out.

She’s not being a bully in a purely physical sense either and that’s where the frustration comes in. She will torment Erica and get the other girls to "not be friends" with her, things of that nature.

The book I’m reading is called "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons and it discusses the psychological aggression school age girls display to their peers.

I hated my school years. We moved around a lot and I was always "new" and by the time I got tired of trying to fit in, I just stayed away from most of the girls. It just wasn’t worth it. Guys were way easier to be friends with as they very rarely pulled the emotional bullying that females are so well known for.

Teachers and some parents make it worse by believing it to be "just a phase" or telling their kids to "ignore them and they will stop."

Terrible, terrible advice and Erica’s teachers better never pass along that bit of advice to her or they will be dealing with a very pissed off ME.

Parents whose children have been the subject of bullying among girls can get very frustrated. The kids don’t want the parents to interfere because it will make things worse and there isn’t much you feel you can tell them to help at that point.

Boys are

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March 28, 2008 - Friday

Mission Accomplished

I got my chair.

My man has SKILLZ.

Erica thinks the old chair is just wonderful so now, she has inherited the old chair.

It’s like a computer command center in here..... all of us lined up on the wall with a computer for each of us.

She’ll be a web wizard before too long.

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March 27, 2008 - Thursday

Office Despot (not a typo)

When Kevin is on a mission, just please, do us all a favor and step down.

He is Captain.

It all started out innocently enough.....he asked me to with him to pick up some manilla file folders. At 8:20 at night.

So, we set off to get some manilla folders. And while we were in there, he detoured me to the office chair section. I tried to protest that we didn’t really have the extra money but he insisted.

I have an office chair that I picked up from Walmart a long, long, long, LONG time ago (like, 8 years ago). And as many ass hours I (and others) have put into the chair, it’s been dead a long time. I can’t stand to sit in it for very long, it’s just so uncomfortable and he, being worried about my comfort, has been trying to get me to buy a chair for months now.

I sat in about every chair and there were only two I liked. One, of course, that was over $200. The other was actually on red tag clearance for $60. And it fit all my parameters. It was comfortably firm with enough structure that I felt comfortable and the back wasn’t too high, and it’s the only one that didn’t hurt my butt as soon as I sat in it.

Well. It ended up being the ONLY one left. It was the display model. Which they refused to sell to us. Kevin was, at this point, in complete disbelief. (Like I said, don’t get in his way when he wants something... heh) and had the poor salesguy get his manager involved and she couldn’t do anything so he came home and called corporate headquarters.

Bad mistake with customer service. It’s a DISPLAY model, the last one, a customer wanted to pay and walk with it but they couldn’t sell it??? WHY NOT????

Office Depot: you better get it right and make Kevin happy or I’ll never see the inside of an office depot again.....

heh. I can hear the mission impossible theme song playing here....

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ergh

I am so not listening OR reading (well, trying not to) anything politics. I don’t want to discuss it with people I work with, I don’t even want to discuss it with some friends.

I will say that the Republicans are doing what they always do best: let the Democrats tear their own party and candidates into pieces.

Whatever. I will still vote Democrat but at this point, I do not care if either one wins it or not. But I’ll vote for anyone against John McCain. Or any of those Republican candidates. I just want to sit and weep if another Republican is voted into office.

Now, I can say that I have at least compared all of their national platforms (so don’t comment if you haven’t bothered doing so and if you disagree, please give an informed and courteous reply, no political mudsling!!! http://www.nationalplatforms.com ) and based on that alone, I think our guinea pig, Charlie Jo, is more suited to be president than at least 3 of those people.

WTF, over???

Ugh. Politics. Such a polarizing issue for some people.

Next!

I managed to get the stirrings of road rage just from leaving my gym, about 8 miles away, and it taking me almost 20 freaking minutes to get home.

I. hate. these. drivers. The majority of them are on their cell phone or have their heads up their butts and aren’t paying any attention to the thousands of pounds of steel hurtling alongside them. It’s just fucking ridiculous.

20 minutes to go 8 miles or so. GOOOOOOOSSSSSFFFFRRRRRRRRRAAABAHHHHHH. (see movie: Anger Management)

At least I DID go work out.

Um. Today was a busy productive day even though it included sitting through a webinar

.....and my old job at Perimeter and my old, old, new job’s worlds collided.

Oh webinars how wonderful art thou?? Perimeter. That place. If you weren’t in a meeting or having a webinar, you were just taking a break before the next one. I’m serious. I have never heard of a company having SO MANY DAMN meetings (and not accomplishing that much....) And Webinars. It was quite an eye opener.

But damn. How very different is a webinar in the real world and a webinar in Perimeter’s world is. Seriously. Different.

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March 26, 2008 - Wednesday

Happy Wednesday!

It’s been busy the past few days.

We went out to lunch yesterday to say, not goodbye (I HATE saying goodbye), but rather CYA later to one of the guys we worked with at Perimeter.

He’s the one I entrusted my life and limbs with a few months back on his Harley. He’s an older (old enough to be my Dad) guy but him and his wife are like, hardcore bikers. They go to the thing in the Dakota and did the iron ass drive or whatever that thing is called and do Daytona every year. Originally from NY, they are moving back home.

I hate to see him go. He’s the only person I’ve kept in contact with after I left the place in January.

So, I was bummed out a bit about that. But, when they ride through NC next time, I’m going to drive up to Rocky Mount and we’ll have dinner or something. They just weren’t happy living down here in the bible belt and wanted to go back.

He was one of two managers there that were just stellar with their people. His team is going to miss him very much I know.

And I’m sliding back into the groove at the daily record. It’s still so very, very strange to be there but thankfully it’s balanced out by being able to work from home on Tues. and Thurs. It makes the job almost fun again. I get to see my friends, it’s work I’m really super comfortable with AND I will eventually get my insurance back. pshew. THAT’s the thing about it all.

I’m home enough to work on the business stuff and there is nothing like working in sweat pants and being comfortable and not having the STRESS of the office stuff swirling around. It’s a good balance.

For now.

I miss my kids though. I can’t wait to get Erica on Friday. I wish it were that easy to see Mikey and Alix too.

I miss a lot of kids. I got to see Samantha the other day and that was great but they just keep growing UP so fast. Really.

I dunno. I’m feeling a bit maudlin at this moment in time.

I’m off to perk up and shake it off. Kevin is going to cook stir fry tonight and THAT is always a cause for much rejoicing on my part.

And I have a stack of excellent books from the library to read (currently reading Mister B. Gone by Clive Barker (Zach: you would like this one) and am going to spend some good down time with my man this evening. So, I’m out of here.

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*pshew*

We've been working on a new website design for a client and during that time Kevin mastered the Flash stuff, I started learning CSS and now, finally, the site is complete and she loves it!

http://www.lasalonanddayspa.com

And it didn't break her bank to get it done.

I used to just put the basic web sites together but I'm really proud of what Kevin and I accomplished together on this project.

Yay!

Now. I need some more customers! ;)

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About Today - The National

Such a sad song. I heard it on an episode of Gray's Anatomy.

Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say

How close am I to losing you

Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away

How close am I to losing you

Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today

How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing

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May 12, 2008 - Monday

Gross!

Watch out whose keyboard you have to touch!

http://www.wral.com/lifestyles/healthteam/story/2871239/

....

Other than that, I don't have much to say. Which means I have lots to say but haven't gotten it "just right" in my brain yet.

Wheee!

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May 6, 2008 - Tuesday

cray - zay daze

It's been so freakin' hectic the last week and past weekend that I haven't been spending much "RENEE" time on the computer.

I had to do a powerpoint presentation in an emergency last minute rush for some event going on in dunn so I worked on that when I got home on Friday and didn't finish it up until Sunday and then it was due to the people by monday.

they tried to get me to stay and run it but they weren't paying me enough money to have to sit through that AND have to drive all the way back to Raleigh. blech!

We did take the kids and went to see "Ironman". Which was pretty entertaining. Not the BEST ever but pretty close in that genre. Robert Downey Jr. is excellent in this.

It's been pretty intense emotionally as well for all of us the past week, it's the first real full week that Mikey has been here and we're all adjusting. I think we finally got the point across that we ARE NOT AGAINST him, him and I talked a lot about things I feel I did wrong and I've apologized to him and he to me and we're all just talking. Communicating. Like, rationally.

It's truly a 180 to how we used to communicate (me and mikey). I like it much better and I think he does too.

So. It's good. Him and Kevin butted heads a few times (and I'm sure there will be some more, it's natural) but because we talked, and Mikey saw how serious we were in what we were trying to do that he talked too. Problems resolved. Solutions set in place.

I'm sure there are still some bumps coming up but we keep getting better at dealing with them.

pshew. Baby. *I* have come a long way in a year's time. I LOVE IT!

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May 1, 2008 - Thursday

former president bill clinton

I had an opportunity to go and hear the former President speak.

In PERSON.

in DUNN of all places.

I know that Clinton did a lot of crap in office that sucks. Personally, well, we won't touch that issue. But it wasn't just HIM I was so excited about in the end.

Whether you liked him or not you have to give Honor and Respect to someone who once held the highest seat in our democratic society.

I hate politics. They drive me crazy but it was truly an honor to see and hear him speak.

And DUDE!!! We were like, totally 25 feet from him! We saw the motorcade pull in (right place at the right time!!!) and get out and escorted into the building. (I was with Suzanne and Lisa at the event).

The air was electric, everyone was so incredibly excited to be there (for the most part. I did see some people standing there looking upon him as one would look at a wee small green alien that just arrived in their living room..... ) that it was just one of the coolest vibes I've been around. There was so much positive energy it was amazing.

I think the memories I have of it are so incredibly vivid that I will still remember so many little details of that day:

The colors of the clothes we were wearing, two of us in green and one in purple. How CHILLY the air was breezing through. I brought a sweater but Suzanne didn't and she was tiny little ice cub by the time it was over. I saw a lot of people I know: Maranda! a teacher from a local high school, a message board buddy (or two!)

I ended up standing beside and meeting a real live Judge of our district and his young son.

I saw some pretty crazy things too though. One woman apparently handed him a piece of paper to get his autograph and it turned out to be a doctor's prescription. The Secret Service agent confiscated it and didn't give it back to her. She WAS NOT HAPPY.

One woman actually approached the stage and motioned to an agent to please come speak with her. Her story? (Crying) "I hitchhiked from Clinton (NC) all the way over here to see President Clinton but I just don't think I can make it back again. I need a ride...."

The dude didn't break a facial movement and just very politely pointed to the local cops and state troopers that she would need to go speak to them.

The Secret Service Agents were SO COOL. REALLY? What a cool job to have? They actually had a female agent on site as well.

Another very awesome thing was there were a lot of pre-teens and teenagers and young adults there.

Some however, I don't even know why they bothered. From a news article:

boy's name, girl's name and other girl's name, all age 12 and students at local Middle School, came together to hear President Clinton.

When asked if they could vote which candidate they would choose for president, their responses were similar.

"Who are the people again?" the other girl asked.

Good God. PEOPLE!

This is one of the biggest presidential races in history! We have a WOMAN running for office, an AFRICAN AMERICAN running for office, and a WHITE guy. I'm not being racial or anything in the descriptions but wow. I thought maybe I'd get to see a femaie President one day but never did I think most Americans would support an African-American so far into the race. It's amazing. It's HISTORICAL.

Are the parent's not talking about what's going on in our nation around their kids? Or are most of the kids just so stuck on their own tiny teeny worlds that they don't care?

*ugh* Our "future".

It's damn scary so few care or CARE to care about anything other than their next coffee trip or their new crush or their new Brand Name clothes and accessories.

Overall though, those that were there knew how important a moment that was like in their lives and it's something we will all have in common the rest of our lives even though most of us are all strangers.

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April 30, 2008 - Wednesday

Personal Stuff

I've spent the last 2 months reading three books.

That's it. Just three books and it took me this long to get through them.

The first one read was "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons. The second book (from a section of the library I never really thought I'd have much interest in came from the Self-Help section), is 'The Tender Heart' by Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D. and the third, probably the most moving, terrifying, disturbing, emotionally wrenching book is 'A Tribe Apart' by Patricia Hersch.

I chose to read those books to not only learn what today's teenagers and kids are going through but what I went through growing up.

I hated my childhood. ….

When I think back on those years from age 7 on up to my late teens, that's the first instinct that hits my emotional brain core and that's how I feel about it, overall.

In reality, I do have some great memories of being a kid but the sad thing about that is most of those memories are solitary. Me and my brother hung out and played and got into trouble together a lot because there is only a 15 month (or so) age difference between the two of us but for the most part, my memories are of me alone; doing things by myself.

I felt so incredibly isolated from everything and everyone.

There could be and are a bunch of different reasons why.

I have felt, on the inside, my entire life, like I am on the outside looking in. I see the friendships and relationships and everything associated with being "social" and I have never felt like I belonged with anyone or at any certain place. I don't even feel like I belong to my family. I love them and I know they love me but I have this disconnect. Most of the time it doesn't bother me and it isn't readily apparent but it's always there.

I still feel the same way today. These feelings, by no means, belittle the friendships I do have or make me cherish them less but I still never BELONG with anybody.

Odd Girl Out was an especially difficult read for me. I was a loner as a kid. The "bookworm" through all of my school years that I can remember. I wish I had the memory of exactly when books became my entire world and salvation. By the time I had left one elementary school, having been there through 2.5 grades, I had read almost every single book that was in the library (except for the kid books) that was available.

By the time I was in seventh grade, I was granted privileges to read and check out books in the "Adult" section of the library. I do remember this is where I found one book that made a great impact on me: 'The Mists of Avalon'.

I was also bullied. The first was by a young girl who was part of the (does this even exist anymore?) Fresh Air Children program. Inner city youth would come to our neighborhoods and stay with certain families for the summer.

Her name was Tutti. I even have a picture of her because she attended one of my birthday parties. I didn't want her there but I think my Mom didn't give me a choice. That girl hated me and I never knew why but she terrorized me that entire summer. I spent countless hours trying to figure out ways to stay away from her, developed alternate travel routes (through neighborhood backyards, along fences, through the woods, etc.) just so I wouldn't run into her.

She wanted to fight and I most definitely did not want to fight. I didn't have a REASON to fight her.

Being sensitive and having a tender heart really truly sucks. Because unless I feel like one of my children are being wronged or harmed, I have a hard time sticking up for myself. I have to completely and utterly believe to my soul that I am not being treated well or fairly before I get pissed off enough to initiate a conflict.

My Dad was the epitome of a Vietnam Vet: tough as nails and mean as a snake. The only thing I ever felt he truly valued in me, while at the same time, hating it, is that I was so incredibly independent. I didn't want to be told what to do, I wanted to do things my way and I did and then I'd get in trouble.

So, I was sort of afraid to tell them how scared of this girl I really was.

There were other people who didn't like me and made it their mission to make my life a miserable living hell once I reached junior high school. One instance was particularly bad because I came from the country and didn't know squat about city kids and how things worked there. Janine was determined to really, REALLY, for reals and no joking, kick my ass. I think I was in 9th grade?

She scared me so bad that at one point I wouldn't get off the bus until it dropped me off directly at the police station.

The stupid thing is that I could have totally kicked her ass. I had been in two fights, physical fights, and I came out on top in both of them but I had righteous anger and conviction on my side. I KNEW I didn't deserve what they were doing. I knew I wasn't doing what they were saying. I just knew. The second and the last fight was because I had this crush on a guy, much older than me, and his on-again-off-again girlfriend found out and wanted to kick my butt for having the audacity to like her boyfriend. She was a senior and I was a 10th grader. I took quite a bit of name calling and crap like that for most of the school year but something just snapped in me one day after she called me a slut for the millionth time when I walked by and the words of "FUCK YOU" flew out of my mouth before I even knew my brain had them formed.

I don't know who was more shocked that I had FINALLY said something: me or her.

We moved a lot when I was a kid. I had no roots. I had no best friends because friends changed almost every year. I remember most of the kids I went to school with but I was never really BEST friends with anyone in school. I was a "floater". I didn't belong to one crowd – I just didn't belong to any.

There was a lot of family stuff that went on during this time and I just learned to keep a blank face, keep my mouth shut, and stay below the radar.

In time, and with age, especially after I found out that my first husband cheated on me, I became very bitter, very defiant, and very angry.

I stayed that way for a long time. Parts of me are still that way.

Between my birth circumstances, the way my Dad was while I was young, the separations, the divorces, the fights, all the crap, the alcoholism that runs in my family, by the time I was 19, I was just completely done with Pennsylvania and left with my Mom for North Carolina.

I was really just fucking through with people. I had learned, over and over, that people were not to be trusted. Especially the people who told you they loved you.

Anyway. Reading these books brought out a lot of bad memories for me, showed me things about myself that suddenly made a whole hell of a lot of sense ('The Tender Heart' by Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D.).

The other two books tore me apart in two different ways: one for myself and the other because of my own children.

So many things I read in these three books hit so hard that I felt urge after urge to just type paragraph after paragraph of what I had just READ.

But so much of what I have read is so incredibly personal to me, that I don't even want to write them down now.

I make this recommendation to read those two books though not just to those of you who are parents but to everyone who has ever bitched and complained about "teenagers these days".

If I had the money, I would purchase these books and hand them out to every parent that had children from third grade on up. THAT'S how shocking some of the information and statistics are in these books.

Grandparents, parents, teachers, adults: Read them. It's the least you can do for the kids you love.

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April 21, 2008 - Monday

Cha-cha-cha-cha-CHANGES

My son is moving in with me and Kevin.

Everybody buckle up and hold on to yer hats.

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April 17, 2008 - Thursday

chaotically quiet

I'm a quote person. I always have been. Even back in high school. I STILL have the pages and pages of quotes that I wrote to keep with me always from back then.

I like to change the profile quote quite a bit. And it usually reflects a message I'm putting out for the whole world to see, sometimes it's just for Kevin or my kids, but sometimes they are reminders to myself. Of what I want. Of what I want to BE.

So. Just because I don't feel like baring my soul to any passerby to my profile, I must stash this one here.

"The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender."

On an entirely different note:

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise." -Robert Fritz

My son is having a really rough time right now. If you pray, please do so for him. If you believe in sending out good vibes, that's great too. He's got a myspace page, if you want, send him a shout out.

He's a strong young man who has been through more in his short life than most adults could ever claim and yet he still retains the heart and spirit he has put forth his whole life. I believe he can overcome all these obstacles that are trying to pull him back into the whirlpool of crap but he is intelligent enough, and even though the obstacles may seem impassable, he can do it.

But feeling like he has no where to turn to, i know, can be almost impossible to overcome.

Children. It's like your heart is walking around outside of your body and you can't protect it or hide it from harm. It's absolutely nerve wracking as a parent to watch the struggles they must endure to become the adults they will be.

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April 12, 2008 - Saturday

Helping Kids In Difficult Situations: Part 1

I finally made it through the painful reading process of the book "Odd Girl Out".

Thankfully, the author gives ideas at the end of the book to help out your child if they find themselves becoming the victim of "silent bullying". IE: Being ostracized by other girls, helping them with situations that are very often beyond your immediate control as a parent.

First, I'd like to highlight some of the passages from the book that I feel are extremely important to understanding what you are dealing with.

It is not just a "phase".

One parent remarked to another "it's typical girl behavior, nothing to be worried about, a phase girls go through. It will pass. "You are making a mountain out of a molehill...."

Those remarks "echo the prevailing wisdom about alternative aggressions between girls: girl bullying is a rite of passage, a stage they will outgrow. It will always be this way. There is nothing we can do about it." Girls bullying, many believe, is a nasty developmental storm we have no choice but to accept. Yet the rite-of-passage argument paralyzes our thinking about how the culture shapes girls' behavior. Most importantly, it stunts the development of anti-bullying strategies.

This rite of passage theory suggests several disturbing assumptions about girls.

FIRST: It implies that there is nothing we can do to prevent girls from behaving in these ways because it's in there developmental tea leaves to do it. In other words, because so many girls engage in alternative aggressions, they must be naturally predisposed to them. Bullying as a rite of passage also suggests that it is necessary and even positive that girls learn how to relate with each other in these ways. Rites pf passage after all, are rituals that mark the transformation of an individual from one status to another. So the rite of passage means that girls are becoming acquainted with what is in store for them later as adults. Because adult women behave in this way, it means it's acceptable and must be prepared for. )

Many despairing mothers I spoke with, as well as those who shrugged off the bullying , confided a sense of consolations that their girls were learning what they'd come to know sooner or later.)

The third assumption emerges directly from the first two: it suggests that because it is universal and instructive, meanness among girls is a natural part of their social structure to be tolerated and expected. And there is one final assumption, the insidious of all: the abuse girls subject each other to is, in fact, NOT ABUSE AT ALL.

Schools (note from Renee: ARE COMPLETELY USELESS when it comes to these situations) don't want to interfere in what they, mistakenly, believe is the "emotional lives" of students.

This philosophy makes two value judgments about girls' relationships: it suggests that unlike aggressive episodes between the sexes, which are analyzed by lawyers and plastered on evening news programs, problems between girls are INSIGNIFICANT, episodes that will taper off as girls become more involved with boys.

ME: How insignificant is it REALLY when you have a child that is happy go lucky, very sweet and she starts coming home in tears, starting in 2nd or 3rd grade because "nobody wants to be my friend." HOW INSIGNIFICANT IS IT REALLY??????????? Parents need to pull their heads out of their butts and get with the program. People are so lucky I am not running things. Heads would roll.

Author: Like the emergency room doctor, the teacher must perform triage on her discipline problems. Disruptions are caught on the fly and met with swift punishment. Generally, boys are more disorderly. Girls, ever the intuiters of adult stress, know that passing a nasty note or shooting mean looks like rubber bands is unlikely to draw the attention of an exhausted teacher who is intent on completing her lesson plan.

When she sees a perpetrating girl, a teacher has little or no incentive to stop the class. Taking the time to address relational discord is not always as easy as yelling at a boy to remove his peer from the trash can. As a sixth grader explained to me, "Teachers separate the boys." Relational problems, however, demand attention to something that is more complex. Invariably, the teacher is far more concerned with the boys flinging balls of paper and distracting the other students.

Schools lack consistent public strategies for dealing with alternative aggressions. In the absence of a shared language to identify and discuss the behavior, student harassment policies are generally vague and favor acts of discipline or direct violence. The structure of school days also complicates teacher intervention: in many schools, for instance, lunch aides supervise at recess, when bullying is rampant.

ME: Schools consider the threats and malice girls direct towards other girls such as "do this or I won't be your friend anymore" as PEER PRESSURE.

Another common mistake that teachers and authority figures believe and perpetuate is that the girl MUST be doing something wrong to attract the bad attention she is getting from the other girls.

Christ but that burns me up. Just because my kid doesn't have a pair of Sperrys or every shade of Rainbow sandals or Seven jeans or Coach bags, she can become a target. This pisses me off so much that I could just literally slap the parents that are helping to perpetuate the behavior of "I'm so much better than YOU are because I have THINGS that you don't have."

Another section states:

"If I had to name on trait many girl bullies and victims share, I'd say that both draw a potent mix of power an d security from the close relationships in their lives. And they are terrified of being ALONE.

When the dark cloud of relational instabililty dominates girls' everyday social worlds, the threat of isolation hangs over them. For some, it's a gripping fear; for others, an emotional white noise. It's true that popularity is a gravitational force, inexorably pulling girls into behaviors that in a normal world would seem outrageous. But in some cases. the ambition for popularity may be secondary, even beside the point. The girls I met described an equally powerful drive to avoid the desolation of solitude.

Solitude, after all, undermines the essence of the girls identity. Girls know we expect them to be sociable creatures, to be in nurturing relationships, especially with other girls. The constant sense that isolation is imminent and the ground unsettled can make girls feel desperate. Without the luxury of social security, a girl will do anything to survive at school-whatever will get her through the home room, the lunch hour, the hallway. Acts of exclusion in these instances assure a girl that she is acting as part of a group and won't be the one left behind."

More later.

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April 10, 2008 - Thursday

words of wisdom

Things and ways to live by:

Don’t be a selfish ass. You should always take other people’s opinions and feelings into account. This is not unreasonable.

Be polite. There is enough rudeness to go around the world a million times and back again.

Don’t run away from your problems and/or blame other people for them.

Don’t be lazy or unrealistic. It takes work to make money. There isn’t anybody waiting around to just give you money. Get off your butt and go find it.

Be patient. You are not perfect and neither is anybody else.

Get over yourself. If you can’t be forgiving how do you expect anyone else to treat you with forgiveness?