I was a bit nervous about going to bed for the night though. The first night when no persons would be awake, monitoring her. I was afraid I wouldn't hear her. I was worried that she would quit breathing. I was worried that she would choke and I wouldn't hear her. A million worries centered around one tiny being. All normal of course but no less frightening at the thought of them.

And SIDS. That's another whole ball of wax. So both Stuart and I went to sleep a bit on edge. We also didn't know what kind of schedule she would be on waking up during the night either.

I woke up about 2 a.m. Not a slow awakening either, jerked awake by something. There was no noise coming from her bassinet and as I climbed slowly out of bed, I realized I was holding my breath. Afraid to look in the bassinet. Afraid she would be dead. Of course, she wasn't and my heartrate resumed it's normal beat.

She ended up waking up at about 3:30 in the morning, drinking a bottle, got a diaper change and then back to sleep by 4:20. When we woke up at 8:15, she was still sleeping and didn't wake up until about 15 minutes later.

Not too shabby eh?

The second night she woke up at about 2 a.m. Then proceeded to stay awake until almost 6 a.m. Falling asleep for a few moments then waking and crying as soon as she was put down in her bassinet. Stuart and I had both been waking with her but he took pity on me and took her out to the living room so I could try to get some sleep.

I did manage to get a little bit but her cries jerked me awake time and again. He finally got her to sleep and lay down. She woke up again about 7:15 drank a bottle then went back to sleep. She didn't wake up until about 1 p.m.

Oh my God. Please tell me this wasn't going to be an every night thing. Please. I'll lose my mind.

Needless to say neither of us were in the best of moods that day. Which was......Saturday? Yeah. Saturday. I was dreading that night. Thankfully, it went much like the first night. She was up about 3:30 and stayed awake until about 4:45 then went back to sleep and didn't awaken until 8:30.

I can live with that.

She's up to 2 oz at one feeding. Still sleeping about 4 or so hours at a time but staying awake a bit longer.

I've been hurting pretty badly since late Friday night. Since I'm not breastfeeding and they no longer give you a shot to dry up your milk, my breasts have become engorged since my milk came in.

I remember getting the shot after having Mikey but by the time I had Alix they no longer did it. So I knew this was coming. After 2 nights of blissful sleep on my stomach, this is now again an impossibility.

Ice Packs and Ibuprofen are my friends. And if I had a fifth I'd add that too. Not really but it's a nice fantasy.

This morning I was laying too close to Stuart and he flipped over and elbowed me and it hurt so badly the only thing I could do was try to catch my breath.

Tonight, the swelling seems to have gone down and the pain isn't as severe.

The cramping has quit.

Mentally I don't think I'm doing so well. Actually, I think I am on the edge of something not so good. I am getting that WEIRD feeling again. I think that Renee has been wiped out a little bit and this motherly thing is in her place and they keep pushing each other out of the way when needed.

It's very disconcerting to have my breasts start tingling when the baby is crying or eating. The body's way of reminding us that we should breastfeed. Whether we like the idea or not. My body is still not my own.

Wasn't there a movie where this person had two sides but they co-existed peacfully until there was some kind of catalyst? Probably. But that's what I feel like. I have two completely different selves battling for supremecy right now and I know which one *I* want to win. Or at least I know which one I want to dominate and that would be the me, the Renee side. Not the matronly, motherly thing. That side isn't a bad thing, it's just not all ME and I have a feeling that once it gained control I'd be lost.

Which is probably completely nuts but I never said I was rational now did I?

These feelings are hitting me pretty strongly and have been for about a day now. It doesn't help that I can't start an exercise program. I feel fat and dumpy and frumpy and very housewifely. UGH. I want myself back.

Not to mention how much I miss being intimate with Stuart.

6 weeks. I don't think I'll make it that long. I really miss having that side of our relationship. It's been a long time now.

Which reminds me of a fear I had going into this pregnancy. That he would treat/view me differntly. That maybe he would be turned off by my changing body or even that he would be TOO turned on by it.

It wasn't any different though. Just a bit more limited because of my body. Which is to be expected. Now after the birth he's still the same. Little touches here and there as we pass each other in the house, little kisses and sighs and looks. Both of us waiting.