It's been almost one month now. It's been the shortest and longest month of my life so far. Thankfully I have managed to write a few entries about the whole thing because right now, everything is just a blur and I doubt I could remember a major portion of it.

She has had a few nights where she's been sleeping for 3-3 and 1/2 hours at a time. Last night WAS NOT one of them.

So I'm tired as hell as usual and I've got a lovely cold to add to that. What sucks is that I can't take any medication when I go to bed because it all puts me to sleep and I may not hear her when she wakes up.

I've only got 2 more weeks to be home. In a way I am sad about that.....wish I could stay home. On the other hand I can't wait to get the hell out of this house. I think not having anything to really occupy my mind and no real physical activity is aggravating the depression I'm going through.

Yes the depression is still with me. Very much so. I've been avoiding writing here because I hate talking about it. I want so much to ignore it...make it just go away by sheer willpower but it isn't happening so far.

The holidays being here are just contributing to the malaise. (readers, meet the Grinch Renee)

It's slipping it's insidious fingers into every corner of my brain. Even into my relationship with Stuart.

I get so mad at him. Mad at him for what amounts to nothing but I can't seem to keep the resentment and anger away from him. Everytime Erica wakes up and won't go back to sleep for hours in the wee hours of the morning I just want to go in and shove Stuart's sleeping body out of the nice, comfy, bed. HE gets to sleep. It's NOT FAIR. HE isn't cooped up in this house with this child. HE doesn't constantly feel like SHIT. HE isn't struggling with depression.

The best thing for him to do right now is just steer clear of me. I know all this is so irrational but since when has that stopped me before?

I don't know. I DO know that if he did try to stay away from me I'd get pissed off about that too. It's a no win situation for him.