The Postpartum Depression seems to have lifted a bit. What brings it to an end? I don't know. I wish it were that easy to pinpoint but since it is connected to hormonal changes as well as other things you can't pin the cause down.

Those weird feelings aren't coming as often any more either. I still have no idea what they are or where they come from. I do know that they are so strong that I just want to rip open my chest and rip everything from inside my body just to make them go away. They are extremely powerful and unsettling.

I was pretty upset with myself about a week ago because I haven't been able to continue with my exercises and I haven't lost any more weight. I finally eased up on myself a little bit. It's only been a month or so. It took me 9 months to get there I can give myself a few months to get back into shape. I really don't see it happening until I start back to work though.

So I shrug it off and keep going. I'll get there and it just isn't worth the mental bullshit I was putting myself through. At least my breasts have gone back to normal. AND I was finally able to wear my wedding band again a few weeks ago. I'm still retaining a fair bit of fluid but I think much of that has to do with the fact that I'm just not eating as well and the inactivity.

I came down with a hellacious cold about 4 days ago and just now am getting over the stuffed up and sore throat part but I traded that in for a glorious sinus infection and coughing up a bunch of junk. Good trade. yeah.

I slept through the ENTIRE night Christmas Eve night. A full night of sleep. Words, MERE words could not possibly convey how completely and totally awesome it was. Even better, I get to it again tonight. (it's technically the 26th but only by a little bit so I still count it as Christmas Day night. nevermind)

Sleep. A commodity that I would pay for right now. The best gift Stuart could ever have given me. He is sleeping in the baby's room on the spare bed and she is snoozing in her crib instead of the bassinet. I didn't even hear a peep last night. I guess knowing that he was taking care of her and not going to get me up, I gave myself permission to sink into complete oblivious sleep. Which I plan on doing again. Right now!

11:00 a.m. Saturday

Sleep! Glorious sleep!

*ahem* I DO go on about that don't I?

The baby is learning that night time is sleeptime and not playtime. Stuart seems to be having some success with her. She slept in 3 hour stints last night instead of 2 but what she is learning is to go to sleep herself. This involves her crying but we have little choice left. She falls asleep without having to be held. That was the damn problem.

She would fall asleep in your arms but as soon as you put her down, Bam! Right back up and crying to be held again. You couldn't let her be by herself if she were awake at all, she would start fussing and crying. What's neat is that now we can lay her down on her blanket on the floor and watch her look around and wave her arms around and talk to her and she doesn't start crying to be held automatically.

She actually lay by herself, while awake for 30 minutes this morning!

I do feel guilty about doing this to a point. She is just a baby but I go back to work in just 2 weeks. I have 2 other children and a household to run. The baby has to be part of the family not what we revolve around and fix our schedules around. If I didn't have to work it would be a different story. I could afford to stay on her schedule for a longer period of time but I just don't have this choice.

Guilt is something that goes along with Motherhood no matter what you do though I think.

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These pics were taken a few days ago. She's about a month old in them. That gorgeous soft pink blankie came from journaller Auntie Dreama :)