It was the noise of the television that was missing. I turned the tube on in the bedroom and she slept just fine.

That's just dandy. I have a hard time sleeping unless it's dark and quiet with the only noise I can stand being that of a fan. Oh the sacrifices a parent must make. (snorting laughter can be heard in my house at that one)

Yesterday was NOT a good day. Talk about weeeeeeeeeeeepppppyyyy. yikes. As the day wore on, I was feeling out of sorts but right now it's not easy to pinpoint exactly why since you always feel out of sorts. Then when talking to Mary on the phone I finally figured it out.

I missed Stuart. A LOT. Since I had gone into labor we really haven't had much of a chance to see each other alone and definitely too tired to have any real interaction like a conversation. By the time we both go to sleep at night any thought processes are pretty much shut down for both of us.

He doesn't get up with me in the middle of the night but the constant up and downs of me wake him up and even if you're not getting up to do something, broken sleep is still broken sleep and he's working too.

He keeps me stable ya know. An anchor. He keeps me from floating off into my own little world. Plus it gets pretty tiresome around here during the day with nobody to talk to. No adult interaction I guess.

He finally comes in from work and I talk to him a few moments and I'm fine but 5 minutes later I'm struggling not to burst into tears. So the baby is sleeping and the kids are playing in their rooms and I drag him off to our room. "just sit here with me for a few minutes".

It was just a few minutes and then we wanted to get up and get in the shower before the baby woke up. Of course it wasn't enough time spent to satisfy the longing for him and since no lights were on in the room he couldn't see the tears falling that I couldn't hold back any longer.

God I miss him.

The rest of the night was spent in a funk. He thought I was mad at him but I'm not and reassured him of that. He's been a doll and is doing everything possible to help me out and to be loving. It's just my selfishness coming out. At about 9:45 we decided to go lay down since she was sleeping and we were both tired as hell. I thought maybe we'd be able to lay there and talk like we used to for a little bit.

HA. He curled up behind me for a few minutes then when he had about fallen asleep told me that he just couldn't keep awake any longer. He kissed me and rolled over. I started crying. I don't make any noise when I cry though so I thought he wouldn't know.

I mean, I KNOW I'm being irrational and weepy and hormonal and I didn't want to upset him because it's not his fault and he would take it as his fault if he knew how upset I was. I knew I was in trouble when watching television throughout the day, I would start squalling at any tender scenes between a man and a woman. ugh.

About a minute later he asks me if I was crying. I hastely wiped my face off and told him no. He made me turn around to look at him, it was dark how much could he see? Then I turned back into my pillow and struggled to hold them back until he was asleep. After 5 minutes of his deep breathing and silence I thought I was clear to just let it out.

Very quickly I was turned over to face him and he places his hand on my cheek and felt the wetness. He demanded to know what was wrong. I tried once to tell him because I missed him. It came out pretty brokenly and I had to repeat myself, sobbing the whole time.

Finally making a small amount of noise. I don't know why I hold most of the pain in like that. Because it does make it worse on me. My head aches that much harder and it sure doesn't keep my face from getting puffy.

As he lay there stroking the hair back hehind my ear, I told him that I just couldn't go through this again. He nodded and agreed readily. He asked me if this baby was just too much on me. I laughed a bit cynically and asked him if we were just going to return her to the store. I told him that it was just from being SO DAMN TIRED. He told me to just try and get through the next couple of days....that the weekend would soon be here. He asked me to please not cry anymore or to get depressed "cuz then I'll get depressed and then we'll all be miserable."

That was about 10:30. I got up to smoke a cigarette while composing myself and he went back to sleep. A few minutes later, tears all dried up, I crawled back into bed. I was going to curl up around him but the sight of his broad, bare back was almost my undoing again. God I'm psycho.

So I just turned the other way and fell asleep. To be awakened about 15 minutes later by the baby waking up. *sigh* Up and out of bed out to the living room. Watched some television while tending the baby. She was finally out by 1 a.m. Went back to bed to get up again at 3:20 a.m.She didn't stay awake very long that time, only about 20 minutes. Long enough to drink part of a bottle and get burped. Laid her back down and went to sleep.

She was back up at 4:30. At this point I was fucking pissed. I didn't even pick her up when I went to grab another bottle. I needed a few minutes to get my shit together. The only thing I really wanted to do was sit down in the middle of the room and just fucking SCREAM.

Stuart of course, was woken up. She was still awake and crying when he got up out of bed and took her to tend her. I think he knew I was at the end of my rope. Crying again. He told me to go lay down. I didn't because I felt guilty as hell at him being awake. He got her to sleep in about 10 minutes and we went back to bed. I kept apologizing to him for him having to get up. He told me to quit worrying about it and to go to sleep. I curled up around him and for an hour had the best damn sleep I'd had all week.

At 6:30 the alarms went off and he turned over and asked me if it was in me to get up one more time. Had to get the kids ready for school. I groaned but dragged myself out of bed. As soon as they got on the bus at 7, I was back in bed. Erica woke up again at about 8:30. I fed her and went back to sleep to finally wake up when she woke again at noon.

A few people have mentioned that she may have her days and nights mixed up. She usually doesn't wake that much during the day so I'm sure she does. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

I was supposed to drive out to Fayetteville today to see my Mom but getting up so late there was no way I could and be back in time to get the kids off the bus. So I called her and told her about the night. She was disappointed but understanding. She also stared warning me about the Shaken Baby Syndrome.

Yikes. I told her that I was very aware of it and wasn't that far gone, just damn tired. And I knew enough to leave her be for a few minutes when I got too upset. Christ if anyone knows how screwed up you can get, my Mom does. The doctor threatened to put me in the hospital just so my Mom could get some rest. I had colic for the first 6 months of my life.

Constant, screaming, NEVER sleeping colic. She used to put me in the car in the wee hours of the morning and just drive. That's the only time I would sleep. She didn't get any sleep but at least she didn't have to hear my screaming for a little bit.

I think this kind of stuff is very hard for people who have never had children to understand. The pure frustration at not being able to make the child happy or to get them to sleep. The constant lack of good, deep sleep. The isolation of being alone all day. This doesn't make for a well-balanced individual.

If not for my Gram being there to help my Mom I don't know what she would have done. I have it no where near as bad as she did though with me so I am grateful for that. Once I'm up and out of bed, I'm okay. It's that initial awakening that I just get so mad about.

When holding her it goes away. Just looking at her. She smiles in her sleep more than any baby I've ever seen. Then the lips poke out in a little pout. She's so sweet. Stuart had asked when we were talking, if I was still crazy about her and Yes of course I am. I love the child more with every breath I draw. She's beautiful.