If you have children you can understand. If you don't, well you couldn't possibly until you have them. That sounds pretty arrogant or sanctimonious doesn't it? I almost put down if you have a pet that you love you could understand but I'm sorry, that just doesn't cut it. I love my cats but my children, I LOVE my children.

There is one aspect of being a mother that just out and out sucks. Times when our love, no matter how strong, just isn't enough. These times are when your child is sick. Or hurting. And no matter what you do there is nothing you can do to take away that pain, to make it all better. And the guilt and feelings of powerlessness are totally engulfing.

Erica developed a cold a few days ago. Since Alix, Mikey and I had it, I figured that she would get something as well. She was congested and I could hear the mucous rattling around in her lungs when she tried to cough. Then all of a sudden she started becoming nearly inconsolable at times. Screaming, crying, in pain. I didn't know what the hell was wrong. She wasn't sleeping, she wasn't eating as much, and she looked like hell.

The helplessness of a parent of a newborn that is sick. They can't tell you what's wrong. They can only cry in pain. While you hold them and rock them and try to soothe them, they still cry and you feel utterly useless and lost because you can't fix it, you don't even know what needs to be fixed.

So we went to the doctor yesterday. Under those flourescent lights she looked even worse than normal. Her eyes all puffy and red from the crying and lack of sleep, her color "off". Her manner just one of pain that is being held off just for that moment, waiting for it to come back.

He asked alot of questions. He listened to her heart and her breathing. Then he went to check her ears. There seemed to be a wax build-up because he had to go get some metal things to scrape it out. Oh she was screaming now. As he held her down while she cried and tried to get away from the thing that was hurting her.

Double Ear Infection.

Heart Murmur

For sure on those two things. Then he said the word that can still any parents heart : hospital. Then phrases that had my knees turing to water: sample of spinal fluid, lumbar something or another, white cell count, cultures.

What the hell was going on? He said something about how she was just more sick looking than he was comfortable with. That they were more "aggressive" with the little ones because they could "go sour" so quickly. He wanted to be cautious.

Evil thoughts of money and lack of insurance floated through my head. Good God, what now? We would be taken under in an instant. The doctor knew this was a concern, he must read minds because he said that there was something that could be done, that it would require more work for us but since we were "intelligent", he would be willing to do it.

He gave her a shot of antibiotics in the thigh. He said it was a powerful antibiotic, that he would use the same one on someone with meningitis. This was for the ear infections. I made Stuart hold her down for that one. I've done it plenty of times with Alix and I believe that every parent should have to experience that. Why? I don't know but I do know that I get tired of being the one to hold them down while someone jabs a damn needle in them. Nathan never went to Alix's doctor appointments. Just this past August I had to hold her as she got 4 shots, 2 in each shoulder. God it's an awful thing to have to do.

Then he said that he could do the white count and cultures in the office and that we could go over to the hospital for the other test on an outpatient basis. She was to be tested for RSV.

Bronchilitis. Which only children 2 and under contract. It's like Bronchitis but the little bronchi sacs become infected instead of the bigger ones.

They put an IV into her tiny little hand to draw blood for the culture. I had to leave the room for a moment. I wanted to grab the basket of needles from that stupid damn nurse and jab her a few times. Totally irrational and not the nurses fault but there ya go.

What is even worse is that her tear ducts have started secreting real tears. So she lay there on that bed, with the nurse holding her down and the doctor trying to get her blood, crying with tears streaming down her cheeks. This 5 week old person. My baby.

So then it was on to the hospital for the RSV culture. Which was cake and pie compared to what she had already endured today. The nurse had to put a saline solution into her nostrils and suck it out. That's what they use to find this stuff, the nasal secretions. She didn't even cry for that one. Then it was home. We were to bring her back this morning.

I had only about an hour of sleep that night so Stuart was going to keep an eye on her while I got some sleep. I figured I'd be up a bit this night too. Stuart had already taken off work to go to the doctor with me when they really needed him to be there. They are really behind schedule.

I lay down and then 2 hours later I had to get up and call the doctor to find out about those RSV results. Oh man. I had the chills and my head was spinning and I felt like crap. I was basically rendered worthless in helping Stuart with the baby. The results were positive, she did have the Bronchilitis. Poor baby!

The heart murmur I mentioned, the doctor said that it was most likey not that important. That a lot of kids have them but grow out of them. He did make a note of it though.

Anyhow. I was so screwed. I mean I hadn't felt this messed up in a long time. I was just so dizzy. Stuart couldn't take anymore time off and I knew that if I was up all night with her that I couldn't get up and drive to the follow up appointment the next morning. So I lay there in bed, my body racked with chills, trying not to cry. I called my Mom. She said that she would come out and drive me to the doctors. Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! At least I wouldn't have to worry about traffic after a night of no sleep and feeling the way I did.

Stuart's boss called later that night and I answered the phone. Or rather, I croaked hello into the phone. He couldn't believe how bad I sounded and as soon as he heard what was up with Erica he told me to tell Stuart to stay home and take care of us here.

Did I also mention that as a Christmas bonus our bosses paid off the car mechanic bill? $625 worth? 

You will not ever find people as good as I work for, you just won't. I've never had employers who cared about me or mine before. They totally are the best. We are very lucky.

So with that fixed, I called my Mom so she wouldn't have to take off work and drive out here at such an ungodly hour. Stuart would stay up with the baby and his Dad would take them in.

With all that figured out, I was able to rest comfortably. And I did. Snoozing off and on throughout the evening. I'd get up for a bit then the chills would hit and it was back to the bed.

At about 9:30 Stuart came in and told me he was going to bed, that the baby was sleeping and resting comfortably. That's all I remember until about 2 am. I woke up then and didn't hear anything so I fell back asleep. At about 3 I heard the baby crying. I could hear Stuart talking to her and walking around in the living room and I was just going to go back to sleep when she really started crying and I could hear Stuart's footsteps hurrying thorugh the house. uhoh. what was up?

So I got up to check it out. He had spilled a bottle of formula on the kitchen floor and was trying to get another one made and she was screaming her head off to be picked up. So I sat down on the couch and fed her some warm water. Her throat is sore and her coughing up the mucous makes it hard for her to swallow so we were watering down her formula some and giving her some warm water. This seemed to ease her a bit.

He brought the new bottle and she ended up drinking the entire 4 oz. Something she hadn't done in 3 days. She was finally able to suck without her ears hurting her so badly. The antibiotic was doing its job. She fell back alseep at 4 and we both went back to bed. She slept from 9:30 until 3am!!!! Talk about catching up on some sleep!

They took her in to the doctors this morning and her ears are starting to clear up. I am a bit leary of this though. Just one shot? No prescription for antibiotics at all. How can just one shot get rid of a double ear infection? If just one shot can clear it up why do they bother always prescribing those meds that you have to take 50 times a day for a week and a half? Doesn't make any sense. I hope it does the job though.

With the bronchilitis, the only thing we can do is make her as comfortable as possible. She's still coughing but at least she can eat and sleep and isn't in so much pain. I hope it clears up soon though!!!

She has been sleeping so much better and has slept most of the day too. I've been in and out of bed, fighting this being sick crap. So if this entry seems a bit disjointed, do forgive me. I just wanted to get this down before it was lost in a fog of medicine head.

Oh yeah, they also weighed her again. Almost 10 lbs: 9 lbs. 15 oz.