So we begin. I've been wanting to keep track of the physical aspects of all this too and have touched on it in the journal but felt that some would get tired of it or sick. ;) So this is my little space to wax poetic or bitch about being pregnant. I figure that I am about 2 months along so far. Very early in the game. I still haven't taken a test and will not until next month. If I even need to do so by then.

I am a little leery of getting too much into this being pregnant thing because of the miscarriage a few months ago. I think it's already too late for that though. ahwell.

Mentally I am a basketcase so far and really not thinking about the actuality of the pregnancy.

Emotionally not really believing in it yet. I am cranky as hell though. Just like being back on the pill. Very hormonal and bitchy and emotional and petty and blah. I'm a big baby and high maintenance wench right now.

Physically feeling it is another thing altogether. Tired being the biggest factor here. I'm fine from about 7:30am until about 3pm and then all I want to do is sleep. Which is making it hard to keep up with all the journals and for right now that is just the way it is. Updates of course will continue to be sporadic and unpredictable but there is only so much I can do right now. To be quite honest, I feel like shit. Add to that the queasiness of my stomach that started about 4 days ago. Toast, crackers and ginger ale have made up a large part of my food intake in the last few days.

Other physical symptoms include sore breasts. oooowwwweeeee! I hate that.

Here is a link for some morning sickness information. I learned a few things even having been pregnant before. Pretty neat. One for dealing with the fatigue. The first trimester is off with a bang.

This past Tuesday officially marked that I am at least 2 months late. I usually have my period on the third Tuesday of the month. Here is the roundup of feelings and thoughts:

Mentally: I'm happy. Sort of. I am trying to stave off getting to happy about this just yet. I don't want to get my hopes up too high because of it being so early and precarious. I did find myself browsing through the catalog the other night. Looking at baby stuff and maternity clothes! Yikes! I am definitely getting one thing for sure though if this goes through. It's an actual video monitor that you put in the baby's room and you have the little viewer thing anywhere with you. It's only about $180. I think it has sound also. What a great idea. Especially since this house is the size it is. I can't always here what is going on in the other rooms.

Emotionally: Still snappy. Worried about Stuart. Worried about my weight. I feel as big as a house right now and there isn't a damn reason I should but there it is. Worried that something may still go wrong. Worried that something will be wrong with the baby if I do carry it anyhow. Worry Worry Worry. I want this to be a happy experience for all of us. This is the last time it will happen. The only time for Stuart. The kids seem to be fine with it. Yes they know. Alix was upset though about one thing. She said to me the other night "But Mikey will HOG it!!". LOL! That was too funny. I reassured her that everyone would share. Mikey wants a boy and Alix of course wants a girl. I'm not going to lie and say that it doesn't matter to me. I do want a boy. I have Mikey but I never got to raise him. Overall, my emotions are running pretty high right now. Good ones and bad ones.

Physically: Oh. My. God. I feel like shit. I had morning sickness that lasted all day yesterday that was so bad I just wanted to lay down and die. Yuck!!!!!! Sometimes I get so damn tired after work that it's all I can do just to make it home and not dissolve into tears. I hate this being tired like that. Somedays it feels that I am wading through molasses. Everything in slow motion and I can't get a damn thing done. My breasts have become a seperate entity. I DON'T need anymore thank you! I had plenty to begin with. yuck. double yuck. Oh yes. Let's not forget the heartburn. I lived on antacids for both of my previous pregnancies and it looks like this one is going the same route.

Called around today to decide which doctor I should go to. I have 4 cities to choose from: Dunn which is 20 minutes away, Clinton about 25 minutes, Fayetteville about 35 minutes and Goldsboro which is about the same as Fayetteville. Dunn and Clinton are definitely no-gos because they each have one OB-GYN and they are both ignorant jackasses. Goldsboro is sort of out because I don't know my way around the place. Fayetteville is left.

So the first place I called wanted $750 cash up front. WHAT!!!! $500 of that was towards the delivery of the baby and I had to pay another $1850 by my 7th month. On a payment plan. What bullshit. Just let me go, send me the bill for the visit and all that and I will pay it. So I finally settled on a place. The initial visit will fall anywhere between $190 and $250 depending on lab tests and all that. Okay. I can live with this. I'm paying cash but I am not getting reamed like the first one. That is ludicrous. I can see the first visit being maybe $300-$400 but $750? No way. I don't need a friggin doctor that bad. I could get it but I don't know. I just can't fork it over.

So I ended up with my first appointment being this Thursday at 9:15 am. I hope I remember to ask all the stuff I'm supposed to and that this place works out. Any doctors out there wanna come down to North Carolina and take care of me? :)

Mentally and Emotionally: I am vacillating between being happy and mourning the loss of just "Stuart and I" as one thing. I know I already have two children but this is different. I was just getting the hang of being a sexual being again. Having kids so young knocked that part of my life offkilter for awhile. With Stuart I found it again and I know that pregnancy changes things and I guess I am selfish enough to want him all to myself for the rest of my life. I guess I am just scared to death about the whole deal. Now I am glad that I had the two that I did when I was young and too stupid to get worried or to care about anything.

Physically: Did that almost fainting thing on Saturday last. Queasy once in awhile and was pretty bad last Thursday but mostly under control. Still tired enough to want to sleep forever.

I sent this in an email on the 28th to my notify list:

One good thing today though. I wasn't feeling so great about going to that place in Fayetteville where I made the appt. So I switched. Boss 2 and his wife just had a baby girl about a year ago and they said the best place is Goldsboro. I don't know my way around the place but I decided to see what they had to say.

I have to pay $440 dollars per month until September. My first appointment is next Friday. She was so cool, the lady that I talked to. I told her that I was coming all the way there instead of using a closer hospital because of the great referrel I got for them.

She explained the payment system and told me what it included and I was so happy I could have cried. After I hung up with her, I almost did. It was everything I could do not to just burst into tears of pure relief.

The lady I talked to was very helpful and just plain NICE. Everyone else has been so automated and blah. Boss 2 says that ALL the staff are like that. Nice, professional and supportive. So I called them on the 28th, the next day I get home from work and they had already sent me information and some forms to fill out. That was quick!!! I can't wait!!!! until next Friday. She told me I'm probably about 2 and 1/2 months along, which I already knew that. I feel good about this decision.

Mentally/Emotionally: I don't know...sort of in a tired, floating, limbo stage right now. Still trying to not get too excited about it. It's still way early in the game. One odd feeling, don't know if it's a "correct" sort of thing but I was just leaning against the kitchen counter tonight, trying to not get dizzy and fall down, cleaning up the kitchen. Stuart came up behind me and gave me a hug. He put his hands on my stomach and started crooning little things in my ear about me and the baby to be. Wildly erotic yet NOT. Weird. Odd too because my sex drive is almost nil right now.

I finally went to the doctor last Friday. My appt. was at 10 am but I arrived early, about 9:15. I was only in the waiting room for about 5 minutes when they called me back. (that was quick!) They did a history on me then sent me to another waiting room. This wait was about 10 minutes. Then the nurse called me over and sat me down. Took my blood pressure: 110/70 (she said it was very good), weighed me (145 argh!), took about 5 tubes of blood and gave me my due date. Estimated Due Date is officially November 25. I am approximately 11 weeks along. Almost 3 months. I had to pass urine into a cup also. That's always an odd thing to do. Even now after I have done it before...it's still weird. I believe they do this every visit to test for sugars and proteins. Oh and they gave me some stuff. A little sample packet, two actually, in the cutest baby bags of things like Formula, Boost drink, Keri body oil, shampoos, and coupons. I just couldn't help but stare at these pretty little pastel bags filled with baby stuff. Wow. I'm pregnant. hehe.

After all that they sent me to the "inner" waiting room. I was only there for about 2 minutes before the doctor called me back. The nurse took me in and gave me a gown and informed me to take all my clothes off, I could leave my shoes on if I wanted to (i did), and that the gown opened in the back. Oh yeah. This is always the fun part. So I stripped and put this drafty gown on and hopped up onto the table/bed/thing whatever it is. Doctor came in and introed himself as Dr. Gooden. Checked my ears, throat, lungs, breasts, and internal regions. (plenty of time for technical terms later. :)

One thing of note about the internal exam, the man was singing. I'm not kidding. It was an oldies song and he was down there humming and breaking out into song every few minutes. How odd. I just layed there and tried not to start giggling. It just struck me as weird. So that was done. He talked to me a few minutes, told me that I was about as far along as I should be according to the due date and everything looked good. He gave me a chance to ask any questions I had and answered them all. Except for freaking me out with the singing, I really liked him. I think. Next time will tell. I loved the facilities though. Totally nice and comfy and all that. It was nicely appointed with woodwork and nice furniture and art. Good magazines too. Not run down or shabby at all. So next appointment is on June 12, same time.

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I found myself in the baby section of the store the other day. I almost bought a few things. It's happening. The invasion. ;) I also bought a pregnancy journal a few weeks ago then turned around last week and bought a book on pregnancy. I think I should be set between those and this journal. Okay. Let's get to the good stuff.

Physically: I had to buy a larger bra. Up a cup and band size. I could actually have gotten a larger one but I resisted. dammit. My breasts have taken on a life of their own. I'm just the carrier. ugh. Still sore and sensitive. Not as painful as a few weeks ago though.

I'm always hot. Stuart used to cover me up in the mornings as he left for work. I'm so zoned that when he tries to cover me up the only thing I can do is just whimper "hothothothot!!! No covers!". I feel like I'm always burning up.

The nerves in the lower left area of my back are already starting to act up. PAIN. Everytime I bend over to pick something up, as soon as I straighten up, sharp pains. I had problems with the sciatic nerve (think that's what it was) when I was pregnant with Alix. It would actually cause me to fall down. Not fun and it's already starting.

My ankles are already starting to swell noticibly. I think it's because I spend so much time on my feet at work. Oh joyjoy. The nausea seems to have passed. Thank you God. I am getting mondo headaches from hell though lately. Every single solitary day. (thank you Kymm, I will never get that phrase out of my head) Anyhow. I get dizzy very easily if I don't keep something in my stomach. I have to eat a bunch of small meals throughout the day. And going to the bathroom is an all day affair. My bladder is working overtime on this one.

Emotionally: I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I vacillate between utter shock at being pregnant and very happy about it. I think that when I start to show it will sink in a bit more.

Mentally: Trying to prepare myself for the coming interruption of my normal program. I'm still worried about work though. Not sure what is going to happen on that front.

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